I've been a member just about a year. Its hard for me to believe, yet the time has also flown by. Looking back I try to evaluate what I have achieved or how I am different or improved from this time last year. I think perhaps the meds help to keep me more level, a bit more subdued and perhaps not feeling so much as I was. I also need to keep in mind that I am on leave from work, I do some, but compared to what I was it is nothing. Thats a huge stressor off my shoulders. With those two things in mind, what have I accomplished? The answer is nothing. I am frustrated with myself for not utilizing this time more effectively. When will I ever be able to have this much time off work again? I will allow myself some breathing room with the knowledge that at times I have been unable to do things because of certain circumstances. I am also scared of following any dream or thoughts I may have for a different career. It is incredibly scary for me to put myself out there and to have people judge me and my work may well be too much for me to handle. I don't feel it is of sufficient quality and so I find that I question myself over and over. Am I really fooling myself? I could be moving forward on some things for this while at home all this time. But no, I battle motivational demons, self esteem demons alongside just the daily life things that may not allow me to concentrate on doing things or getting certain things done. In my year here, I have been extremely fortunate in meeting some wonderful, warm and caring people and I thank those who have been there with all my heart. I am not comfortable with people caring for me, even though thats what I ache for in some regards. I'll run the other way. So, a year on - I feel like I'm stuck. I'm no further along in my life in many ways. I have no idea about the future, the thoughts are very scary. At times it does feel like too much, as the current situation feels. Whats next? I have no idea. In many ways I'd be happy to hand over control to someone else, so that I wouldn't have to think or worry. I'm scared, confidentially, that I'm already searching for that person. Wow - I really did just say that. I know, though, that will just lead to yet another abusive relationship and thats the one thing in my life that needs to change, whenever that time may come - if it ever does again. I think I'm nearly at the crossroads of my life, not there yet, but getting there slowly. That crossroads will be scary and sad and all of that and I fear my choices will again be unsuitable. This evening I feel unsure yet again. Of myself, my choices, of tonight and tomorrow, of the next day... and so on. Sometimes I wish that people could read my mind, because I can never adequately express what I wish to, either because words fail me or because I can't open up and trust others. If my mind could be read, perhaps others would see how I long for a hug, for some caring out of the blue. And they would see how extremely sad I am, and how I feel that I cannot ever let most people see that vulnerability.