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A year on SF

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MoAnamCara, Jan 15, 2012.

  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I've been a member just about a year. Its hard for me to believe, yet the time has also flown by. Looking back I try to evaluate what I have achieved or how I am different or improved from this time last year.

    I think perhaps the meds help to keep me more level, a bit more subdued and perhaps not feeling so much as I was. I also need to keep in mind that I am on leave from work, I do some, but compared to what I was it is nothing. Thats a huge stressor off my shoulders.

    With those two things in mind, what have I accomplished? The answer is nothing. I am frustrated with myself for not utilizing this time more effectively. When will I ever be able to have this much time off work again? I will allow myself some breathing room with the knowledge that at times I have been unable to do things because of certain circumstances.

    I am also scared of following any dream or thoughts I may have for a different career. It is incredibly scary for me to put myself out there and to have people judge me and my work may well be too much for me to handle. I don't feel it is of sufficient quality and so I find that I question myself over and over. Am I really fooling myself? I could be moving forward on some things for this while at home all this time.

    But no, I battle motivational demons, self esteem demons alongside just the daily life things that may not allow me to concentrate on doing things or getting certain things done.

    In my year here, I have been extremely fortunate in meeting some wonderful, warm and caring people and I thank those who have been there with all my heart. I am not comfortable with people caring for me, even though thats what I ache for in some regards. I'll run the other way.

    So, a year on - I feel like I'm stuck. I'm no further along in my life in many ways. I have no idea about the future, the thoughts are very scary. At times it does feel like too much, as the current situation feels.

    Whats next? I have no idea. In many ways I'd be happy to hand over control to someone else, so that I wouldn't have to think or worry. I'm scared, confidentially, that I'm already searching for that person. Wow - I really did just say that.

    I know, though, that will just lead to yet another abusive relationship and thats the one thing in my life that needs to change, whenever that time may come - if it ever does again.

    I think I'm nearly at the crossroads of my life, not there yet, but getting there slowly. That crossroads will be scary and sad and all of that and I fear my choices will again be unsuitable.

    This evening I feel unsure yet again. Of myself, my choices, of tonight and tomorrow, of the next day... and so on.

    Sometimes I wish that people could read my mind, because I can never adequately express what I wish to, either because words fail me or because I can't open up and trust others. If my mind could be read, perhaps others would see how I long for a hug, for some caring out of the blue. And they would see how extremely sad I am, and how I feel that I cannot ever let most people see that vulnerability.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hugs to you hun i wish i could be there in person so you can really feel the care hugs
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks TE

    Conversing with someone recently I shared my sadness regarding the lack of a nuclear family, one that was close etc. etc. etc. It was stated that I can move to form my own family in the shape of friends. I simply nodded. I know this will never occur, unless I have a personality transplant.

    I have noticed the last two nights how BADLY I want a drink. It is freaking me out a little bit because I know I cannot right now, perhaps that is why the want is more evident & more persistant? I certainly do not wish to turn out like other family members, I know how their addiction felt to me, isolated me, scared me, angered me, frustrated me and saddened me.

    My anxiety is high tonight. My mind is again racing with all sorts of thoughts. I really, really, really want an escape.
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hey Mo I think you express yourself very well..and I hope you'll keep sharing your feelings with us..
    I also wish TE, you and I could have a real (hug) in person..
    think we all need it..

    understand about the family thing..been told that too but feel as you do about my personality needing a transplant.
    perhaps we are too hard on ourselves?!

    My thoughts on time= it gets eaten by depression!
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Perhaps we are IV, perhaps we are. I can understand this logically, but not emotionally. For me, its always trying to be good enough I suppose.

    :hugtackles: Thank you
  6. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm afraid I'm going to do a "mind bleed" here. And I'll say upfront, I'm not always successful in doing all these things myself, but it's stuff that I "try" to follow. And when I do try, circumstances and issues that I can influence just seem to "feel" better, and I feel more competent and able to cope, and more "content." And the things I can't influence begin to seem a little less overwhelming - maybe I just end up have more energy left for them? :dunno:

    I relate to/understand about nuclear family and friends. I don't seem to have much in either case, though sometimes I realize that people might be trying in their own way, and I haven't seen it because it's not the exact kind of caring I'm hoping for - but perhaps, after a fashion, there are some friends and family. However, I've learned that the first friend we all must have is ourselves. And when we take care of ourselves, we have more of the "wherewithal" to be present and available for others to become our friends and "extended nuclear family."

    Caring for ourselves - from doing simple things such as enjoying a cup of tea and just staring out the window to the more complex things such as making sure we get sleep, refraining from self-destructive things (physical and emotional), eating right, and enriching our minds and souls with what is good in our lives - those all help us develop ourselves and our self-love and, thus, the needed resilience and ability to keep going in the face of the hard, even seemingly impossible situations that we must face.

    Accepting that we are facing hard things and that we don't need to be so hard on ourselves (how would we judge another going through similar things?) is another way to befriend ourselves. It is emotional self-destructiveness to repeatedly tell ourselves of our mistakes and our shortcomings. Things go wrong in everyone's life, and there isn't always a place to lay blame - sometimes things just happen. We can help ourselves if we leave the self-blaming alone (and I'm not saying not to accept rightful responsibility, I just mean not beat ourselves up for being human). It's much more productive to acknowledge what we hope for and see if we can find a way to achieve it, whether that is better communication and behavior from ourselves or ways to find what we need in our interactions/relationships with others.)

    Understanding what we need/expect/hope from others and knowing if those others can meet those needs/expectations/hopes or if are they limited now or always (emotionally, physically, mentally, materially, etc.) helps us recognize if we have as much support from them as we can ever expect. Then it's easier to accept what they can give, and if necessary, to look either inside ourselves for more stamina or outside our present circle of people and jobs and activities for the things we feel are missing.

    Is all this doable "overnight"? Probably not "overnight." But little steps can be done bit by bit. I think of my own situation in terms of the fact that it took years to build up into issues and challenges, so it will take some time to unravel all of it and then rebuild. But I think once we know what we want/need, it easier this time to set goals, and to make plans with small steps to reach those goals. We have our whole lives ahead of us to make it work.

    Mo, like so many others here on SF, you have made brilliant strides forward. You are, imo, being much too hard on yourself. I hope you take some to have a cup of tea and stare out the window and just think about how far you have actually come! :hug: