Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by cookiemonster, Mar 22, 2010.

  1. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    i hate you! you have fucked me up so bad and i hate you! you are a horrible, condescending twat. you are constantly putting me down and i'm fed up with it. i deserve a lot of things but i do not deserve what you have put me through. everything that you have ever done to me has been harmful. i loved you! i felt so strongly about it i didn't care who knew. i would tell the whole fucking world about you if i could but you proved to me what an idiot i've been and how much you hated me. you used me. you made me feel crap about myself when i really needed to feel good and close to someone. you are part of the reason i can't talk to people very well anymore. you fucked it all up. we had something good for a while. and you ruined it. i was wrong to trust you and you threw it back at me.

    you'll get your wish soon enough!
  2. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    i've now bottomed out. grrr! i just hate myself cos i am horrible. as soon as i'd posted that i regretted it. i'm stupid, an idiot, not worth shit. no point even trying to change things anymore. i've been sat here crying my eyes out cos i hate myself and i seem to only want to talk to people who don't want to listen. even the counsellors don't want to anymore. maybe i should give up?
  3. spyke

    spyke Well-Known Member

    we can haz elaboration?

    why focus inward what is truly deserving of being focused outwards though? U_U
  4. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    elaboration of which bit?
  5. spyke

    spyke Well-Known Member

    what happened?

    i'm just gonna presume it was an ex and a bad break up something along the lines of

    "i wish you would just die" etc as the final words

    so what's your story?

    *grabs a virtual chair*
  6. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    its not as straight forward as that. i loved her, she did not love me. i spent so much of my time with her. i idealised her. she was everything to me. she turned on me in june and that was it. she hated me. she said everthing and everyone would be better off if i managed to stop fannying around and just got on with it. since then its been hard to confide in people and i can't have a healthy relationship, which my ex can tell you.

    of course this was before i was on here.
  7. spyke

    spyke Well-Known Member

    ok i see where you're coming from but.......

    what's not straightforward about that?

    she was with you in a relationship but didn't love you = prat

    she turned on you completely hurting you badly = prat

    now you're angry and upset and it's affected your life.....

    all you can really do is ask yourself "what are my options"

    what do YOU need to get on with life?

    i understand you idolised her and made her your everything but you can take that as the final lesson in life or just A lesson in life that's up to you

    the important thing is really and the one that many overlook how does this anger towards her in general make YOU feel?
  8. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    i'm an idiot. i hate myself even more right now. i can't stop myself from saying horrible things and it upsets people. i hate it!!! but i can't stop myself. i just want to punish myself. i don't deserve to be here cos i will hurt people. i have proven that tonight.

    i want to just leave and end it all. people will be better off without me
  9. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    emily, listen to the old man and stop and take a breath

    and stop sounding like me - it's spooky

    i am going to send you a link via PM

    please listen to it all the way through, okay

  10. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    ok :(

    i'm sorry old man. i'm just reaaaaaally stressed
  11. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    i really do just give up. i hurt people and then people just cast me aside like i mean nothing to them. i know it was just fun but it really hurts me that i'm that easy to just blow off as if i'm just some toy. i might just be over sensitive right now but i though there was something special in our friendship but obviously i'm wrong. well fuck it!!!! i don't matter! i don't care anymore! do what the fuck you want with your lives!!!! i don't want anything to do with it anymore
  12. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    emily you are waaaay stressed

    you are a helluva lot better person than you see yourself as right now

    if i read this right this happened in june?

    why is it coming back to haunt you now?

    take a sec, have a drink of water, then let me know (just avoid public fountains)
  13. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    its not just that. this is a lot fo the stuff that goes around my head. i mean so far i believe this is two or three different people i'm talking about.

    i have to see her everyday at school. i see her when i go to sja and we are in the same group of friends. she hates me and goes out of her way to bitch and moan. the more depressed i get, the more i have to push myself away or risk getting judged again. i can't deal with all of this again. and i really can't deal with her telling all of my friends how much of a horrible person i really am. they will find this out on their own and i don't want her to hurry things along.

    i know i'm probably getting stressed out over nothing but this is the first time i have really paid this much attention to what's going on in my head. i want to make sense of it and just get it out. maybe then it wont go round my mind constantly and i can focus on things that are more important but so far its making me worse :cry:
  14. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    maybe this is something you're head isn't prepared to work through on its own right now? or maybe scale it back - either focus on one at a time or try to stop thinking about it at all for a little while

    keep writing it down because it's better out than in

    this sounds like something a therapist should be equipped to help you figure out

    besides school is there anything you like to do (draw, write, etc...)

    and where are you from by the way - i can't place the accent
  15. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    i don't particularly like school but we did have a rather awesome assembly, or at least one you would have liked. there was a bit about water and all i could think was about the fountain... :p

    i play guitar and row and that is pretty much all i do except i'm losing interest.

    i'm in the UK (woop!)
  16. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    my brother could play guitar

    all i've managed is bari sax and baritone bugle - gave me good breathing which i (unfortunately) used to (unintentionally) embarass my very first college teacher on the first day of class - go me!!
  17. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    nice! sounds like fun!

    i think there may be another rant coming but i'm not sure yet :S
  18. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    he was my Speech 101 teacher (required class for drama majors) who thought he was henry higgins - looking back, he had it coming

    if you need to rant, just let it rip

    like i said before, better out than in (same goes for gas btw)
  19. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    i can't right now for an obvious reason, but i will later.

    there are too many people in this room who i don't want to know about it :(
  20. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    that's ok

    i'll distract you with the story about my Speech teacher


    first day of class we had to have prepared a paragraph or two from a book to present in front of the class - i picked a passage from "Sword of Shannara" (it had just come out)

    odd little detail about myself - apparently i don't have a readily identifiable accent

    after i'd finished, the professor was going on about how people's speech patterns could be used to identify where they came from (henry higgins remember) and proceeds to tell the class that i came from somewhere in the midwest - shook my head no - he took two more wildly bad guesses before i told him i was local - he gave me a look and told me to stay up at the podium

    then he goes on about the key to being able to make public speeches is the ability to project and that most people can't do it properly - he then tells me (5' 10" - 120 lbs - yes i looked like a stick) to take a deep breath and hold a note for as long as i can

    interesting fact - when you play large brass and woodwind instruments for a number of years you pick up diaphramatic breathing and really increase you lung capacity

    after i held the note for about 60 seconds i asked him if he wanted me to keep going without taking another breath - i had never actually seen a man's eyes pop out of his head before