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fucking get AWAY FROM ME ALREADY, OK?!?! how the HELL do you expect me to forgive you AGAIN?! its only going to go around in another circle - i cant know if ur for real or not, because every time this has happened its never been for real, ok?! leave me alone, dont touch me!

<edit> its happened hasnt it? i've gone crazy... :unsure: </edit>
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I dont know if its for real or not. i wanna believe it but i dont wanna get hurt again if im wrong. and every time i finally believe it it all just happens again.
well u can read all this post, or skip to the last paragraph... ur choice i guess but i need to get it out - not neccessarily have someone read it.

dad came in to give me a hug... him and mum were fighting again. right before that, i did a VERY smart thing and i got myself dragged into it all - again... when it was the ONE thing i was trying NOT to do this time. =.=

he tried to hug me and he kept on asking me to forgive him - like he does every time. i couldnt help but stiffen. iono if he noticed or not. but then i decided i couldnt stay in the house so i went to play with my dogs... when i came up i discovered we were going out because he was going to buy mum a new car because she doesnt want to drive the company car and he doesnt want her in the old ute... i was like wtf? but i went anyway and got bored out of my brains the next few hours. they arent even going to trade in. coz he's the big boss now he spends money like its air. i dont think he gets it.... he cant buy me.

i kept on wondering if he was acting or being for real.... if he was bribing her or something... im such a party pooper. i keep on wrecking everything for them. because when they say things are all good again - they arent. but mum keeps saying to forgive him.... im sick of acting. but i take too long to get over it.... i swear i wont be surprised if im going mental..... i still get nightmares from stuff - i shouldnt. it was years ago. when i wake up i can swear i can smell the alcohol... hear them yelling... the threats... i keep hearing them...but i know they arent fighting.

and he says he's gonna take us to visit relatives this christmas... he's even coming along instead of working. he's looking at flights even. it might be for real... he might be bullshitting. i dont know. but mum was being such a pain in the arse.... she was pissing me off so badly with the way she was acting. i just got so fucking frustrated at her. she seemed so genuinely happy... in a way i was sorta jealous too. how the fuck does she forgive him every single time?! she even SAYS to me she doesnt trust him and that he wants to get rid of her.

she makes no sense. this WHOLE SITUATION makes no sense... i wish she would give me a straight answer. then maybe when the whole cycle goes around again i wont be hurt so bad.

in a way i dont want dad to be around more. him and mum are only going to let me down again when they tear each other apart... i dont Wanna be hurt again...

and so if i made no sense at all... the whole post in a nutshell:
mum and dad had a massive fight and now things are all good again and i dont know if i wanna believe it because i dont want to get hurt again.
aw hun :hug: fighting parents is soooo hard I know. Honestly if you ever wanna talk about it I'm here because I've gone through a lot of this.

:hug: you're not crazy either. I love ya

Hang in there
Thanks Jess and Joe... :hug: :hug: to the both of you...

We're meant to be going out today... 'family time' but I honestly cant be stuffed... Im ruining it for them - I should be happier about this. oh well i guess.

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