Aaaarrrrrrggggggghhhhh!!!!

I had made my mind up. I have my method, i have my destination, i know exactly what im going to do. Iv never had a plan A but now i have a plan A, B, C and im even working on plan D. That is how determined i am.
But then the doubt creeps in. Maybe i can make something of my life, maybe i can move away, i might become less of a mess around people and actually be able to function like a human being instead of a gibering idiot.

..........then i come home and im triggered (if thats the right word for it) straight away. Only a normal conversation but the raised voices and yelling put my nerves on edge. I feel sick to my stomach. I want it to stop. I want a normal family. Then my brother comes home, his way of communicating is also to yell, to slam his fists into my door until the hinges shake to get my attention. No one wants to speak to me though, i am alone no one cares.

This is when i realise i have made the right choice.
I have been ground into the dirt so much by people in my life so much theres not much of me left, i cant be the confident person i dream of. Im not allowed to. Every time i gain a bit of confidence im am put back in my place. Im so on edge i know i wont be able to sleep tonight. I have so much to do before i catch my train and this will all be over. This is what i have been trying to achieve since i was 12, i just want it to be over.
Even though there is a glimmer of doubt i will do it just to escape.
I will do this for me.

 

the doubt is there for a reason, you are still on here for a reason. listen to that small doubt and embrace it, as it is what is keeping you here. look for ways to reduce these triggers, not easy but possible. hold tight, the ride may not be fun now but it can be. i havnt told my story yet but change is possible, i am living proof. anger can be healthy so find some way to let it out that does not effect your safety. have faith as i have faith in you.

 

doubt always comes in for me too..
i dunno what to suggest coz i feel exactly how you do as well.

Look to the positives? Look at making something of yourself?
don't let anybody get the better of you?
and prove everybody wrong.

 

well said broken barbie "prove everybody wrong". your right to existance is as strong as anyone else.

 

Im on here because this is the only place i feel comfortable. Apart from walking around with ear plugs in my ears theres not much i can do. I do have a way to get my anger out but when my head is pounding like it is now i just cant do it.
I was just sitting in my room looking at my method thinking i should really go back to the doctor and talk to him. He knows im suicidal but he doesnt know i have ever done it or how close i am to trying again. But then i dont feel theres anything wrong with me so i dont want to waste his time.
I just want to die, i wont tomorrow, not now. Sunny-my dog, is with me, she always calms me down. I have been trying to get her to want to be with other people but shes stubborn.
Thank you

Thank you
At themoment there is no positive but if i manage to drag myself out of my current hole i was planning on studying canine psychology and behaviour, i suppose i could class that as positive and i would be able to get away form this hell.
Im afraid its too late for me to not let people get the better of me, its been happening all my life. Its my nature now

 

dogs are cool as fduk. my sister has 3 and at the moment is forstering 2, add 5 kids to her house and you have a pretty hetic time. love going to see them. she also goes to a dog traing class thing. praps something like that could give you something to look forward to and a foot in the door with what you wana do. stay strong for your dog as it is loyal to you, dont let it down.

 

We also have 3 dogs but only Sunny is mine. I trained her but the other two are a bit wacky because no one would listen and continue the training when im at work. Sunny practically ignores them:tongue:Its so funny to watch.
I already have my foot in the door its just confidence im lacking, since leaving half way through my course iv been stuck in jobs i just dont enjoy. We shall see. Part of my problems are how they treat her when im at work, im constantly worried for her.
She is my life but she is also old, im fairly certain i will kill myself when she has passed.

 

Don't hurt yourself, your still on earth so hell can't last forever. I grew up in an abusive home too and I actually succeeded, I was dead but, my heart was restarted and I spend 6 painful weeks in ICU plus a 6 month stay in a mental institution under strict observation. I wont say how I killed myself because I don't want anyone to get any ideas. I'm here because I'm fighting against the thoughts that might lead to actions that'd leave three small children without a mother. My life isn't all bad and neither is yours, it's a mad world but look deep before you leap, suicide is not the answer. For anyone interested my AIM sn is angeiicsavagery. I'm signed on most of the time, pop me a line if you want to.

 

gf hates dogs o we have no pets but i love crazy dogs as well as calm ones. shame we outlast them. but to find other things to care for gives reason to life. find more things. projecting positivity to you, hommmmmmmmmmm. good luck.

 

Im glad you are fighting and thank you for the support. This is the second time in 2 weeks i have been this close, its deffinately getting worse but i cant stop it. It comes in swings and round abouts. Im not scared, what will be will be. Im not leading any kind of life at the moment im just here if that makes sense.

 

being here is the first step, endless possibilities after that. unwise actions are the end to your choices, choices are yours and yours alone, i hope you make good ones.

 

Thank you Darren:hug:
I dont think i can care for anything else, my first two attempts were before Sunny came into my life.
You would love Candy and Bruno then, there both mad as hatters, full of energy.

 

anytime, who knows may meet candy and bruno in my dream, let them know im alright, as dreams tend to bite me. hope you can find things to care about bet your real good at it. laters bud.

 

We are all just here, none of us have proof that there is a god or whether we are here for a deeper reason than to exist. I'm a welfare mom without any support, my mind is a crazy little cyclone of conflicted emotions that I can't seem to make sense of, I live day to day wondering how I'm even going to put diapers on my babies butts. I'm going to MHMR tonight to try and get help or at least get back on my medication. There is a reason for you to live, even if it's just out of defiance, so you can look your demons in the face and say f*ck you! You haven't won!

 

I hope you get the support you need tonight:hug:
Yeah well my demons yell, swear, threaten physical violence even though they wouldnt dare because i have told them i will call the police.

 

Well there you go hun, it's all just noise and the stupidity of others. Unfortunately stupidity runs rampant in the world and there will always be us sane people who have to deal with them.

 

I totally agree, its a tough job but some one has to do it:smile:
It just really gets to me sometimes when i cant control my emotions.

 

It seems like if you could get a better living situation, you might be able to get to a place where you feel better.

Do you have any relatives that you could stay with? Being able to get out of the abusive environment for even a short while could help a lot.

You could also try calling a domestic violence hotline.

 

Please don't give up sunny. We don't want to lose you and someone has to take care of your dog. Do you have a set of earplugs that you could use when the noise at home gets too much? My house used to get really loud too until my older sister moved out. :hug:

 

Thank you
I am looking for a flat at the moment. No no one wants me around, im not bothered by it any more. Even my Dad who is looking for a place with my brother didnt offer to help. I will just have to do this alone like always.
There not really violent towards me, its just the threats. I told my Mum once she shouldnt hit me because i dont know how i will react. She may be my Mum but that doesnt give her the right to hit me. My sister used to be physically violent towards me but one day i just snapped. She has left me alone now she realises i hit back:smile:
My main problem is with my moods every where i just cant handle them any more. I used to just ignore them but it really gets to me lately. Hopefully ill have my own flat soon.