I had made my mind up. I have my method, i have my destination, i know exactly what im going to do. Iv never had a plan A but now i have a plan A, B, C and im even working on plan D. That is how determined i am. But then the doubt creeps in. Maybe i can make something of my life, maybe i can move away, i might become less of a mess around people and actually be able to function like a human being instead of a gibering idiot. ..........then i come home and im triggered (if thats the right word for it) straight away. Only a normal conversation but the raised voices and yelling put my nerves on edge. I feel sick to my stomach. I want it to stop. I want a normal family. Then my brother comes home, his way of communicating is also to yell, to slam his fists into my door until the hinges shake to get my attention. No one wants to speak to me though, i am alone no one cares. This is when i realise i have made the right choice. I have been ground into the dirt so much by people in my life so much theres not much of me left, i cant be the confident person i dream of. Im not allowed to. Every time i gain a bit of confidence im am put back in my place. Im so on edge i know i wont be able to sleep tonight. I have so much to do before i catch my train and this will all be over. This is what i have been trying to achieve since i was 12, i just want it to be over. Even though there is a glimmer of doubt i will do it just to escape. I will do this for me.