so yeah I'm typing this because idk really why but i guess to finally just put it down since I've always wanted to jot it down. what i mean by here we go again is that out of no where i am depressed again. At first I'm just regular and calm but then all of a sudden , WHAM . I just turn all depressed. Just like that outta no where. Usually when this happens I start to think about my suicidal tendencies then yeah . I REALLY start to get depressed and blue and i just want to somehow relieve this pain , heart ache ,head ache by having a little cry . I actually do start to think unhappy thoughts and listen to sad music that would make me even more sad that I'll begin to cry a little but this time ... well like all times it just doesn't come out no matter what. i just can't seem to cry or let this shit out. its all bottled up and it wants to explode but it can't even though its WAY beyond its maximum capacity. I really don't want to live like this , i need help , i want help but i can't . i need friends , respect , joy , peace , a better life but most of all i really do need is love. sure i have friends but still i really only have a couple i actually hang around with but, one has gone out into the military and is having a blast with his new friends , the other one is too busy with his life having fun , fucking girls , having a good or at least better life than me. I NEVER EVER HAD ONE FRIEND WHOM CARED ABOUT ME! sure they say this and that to make you feel better and act like they care but in reality i bet they sincerely don't care. damn i wish i had one genuine friend that i could truly open up about all this shit but the last time i did call someone and told him i was gonna commit suicide that night (and yes i really did try to but didn't work was by... OD'ing) he didn't even care, i really thought he cared but he just said yeah ok what ever. there was one person who did care for me and stood up for me . he was my childhood best friend but eventually he parted away from me. everyone does , they just say fuck it and leave my loser ass behind. Fuck respect , joy , peace and love . They didn't even bother to stop by in my life to say hi to my ugly ass. they just moved on to the next person in line . even on here . my ass has been in the fucking chat room, in Trig. for some time and NO ONE! god damn bothers to fucking stop by to at least say hi and see how in the fucking world am i doing . that's why i can't wait till i end this bullshit . god , every time i cross the road i hope some one rams into me. every time i walk alone in the dark in my ghetto ass hood i want someone to come up on me and pull the trigger. life just loves to pick on me . its loves to rape me of all love and happiness and just plays with me too much. what ever its useless. its all useless. i already decided not IF i will but WHEN i WILL do it. i doubt if i , by some chance, I do acquire all the things I want and need, I will be fine , I may still do it. fuck it . who cares , you? yeah what ever, say this , say that to cheer me up and pretend to have sympathy for me and care but you don't even know me so why in the hell do you care. fuck you leave , abandon me like everyone else.