Aaay!

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Aaay!, Jul 14, 2009.

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  1. Aaay!

    Aaay! New Member

    (Let me know if I'm being too happy for this forum) :tongue:

    Call me Tyree if you wish, Trooper Tyree if you're feeling special. :unsure: Bonus points if anyone has a clue who TT was. :biggrin:

    Ok, enough joshing around.

    My name is Tyree (not really but I hear this board is all about anonymity and I don't want to rock the boat). :unsure:

    I'm getting ready to turn 24. I'm a full time college student, part time worker. I work in a library part time, and run a lawn care service part time as well.

    I've known for some time I was I suppose what would be referred to clinically as "depressed". I've been this way and suicidal in some form or fashion since I was 12/13 or so. I have had some self destructive mannerisms, perhaps still do I don't know that you ever get over them. A bit O'cutting, a dash of burning, the usual malarky ya know.

    I have however, always been in control of myself. Always.

    I don't know where I'm going with this. Oh right, I'm not in control anymore. I used to be a machine, the machine didn't think or feel anything that it wasn't supposed to. I don't think I was ever really in danger of committing suicide because I had programmed into the machine that suicide was not an acceptable reaction.

    I'm having a bit of trouble thinking straight, my short term memory has really went to hell in a handbasket over the last while. I don't know if it's a self protection mechanism kicking in or what, but it's annoying as hell's bells. :rolleyes:

    I guess what I was going to say, was that maybe some things in my life have finally reached a stage where I can't ignore them, I can't pretend things will get better, that things can still be fixed. I think perhaps the machine is falling apart because that's all the machine was hanging on for.

    Regardless, the machine is now kaput. I've had several episodes, mood swings, crashes, whatever you want to call them, where suicide seemed like not only the only answer, but THE ANSWER. Once I realized it was The Answer, this warm fuzzy baby blanket of calmness settled over me, everything was going to be ok, it was all ok.

    Now I'm not stupid, I've read books on the subject, I knew what was going on. I knew I was in a very dangerous state. What absolutly terrifies me though, is that when I'm in that state, even though I "know" this, I'm not in control and I don't care.

    My friends, my family, my coworkers, nobody knows I fight this. I don't want them to know, I don't think I could face them knowing. I'm ten foot tall, I'm bulletproof, I'm happy, friendly, outgoing, I love helping people, that's who they know. If they knew the real me I think I'd kill myself rather than face them. :rolleyes:

    At the same time it's so hard to keep going, it's like I'm living a lie.

    I don't know, I said I couldn't think straight and it's true, I'm all discombobulated. I've really only touched the tip of the iceberg, there's so much going on in my life right now.

    Normally I wouldn't ask for help, or even admit I have a problem, not even on an internet forum. I don't like doctors, I think what they can do to help is very limited, the pharmaceutical system is mostly bunk. I've never looked anywhere for help because I've always felt this was something I had to fix on my own.

    I don't have control anymore though and it terrifies me, I never know when I'm going to bottom out and suicide will seem so warm and beckoning, so calm and peaceful, the solution. One little pull and all my problems are over.

    I want to fight but I'm just so tired. I've put on my game face and fought it for so many years but I'm not winning. How much longer can I keep it up? Am I doomed to disappoint my family, friends? How horrible that will be for them.

    I know it's bad because I've worried myself and I don't worry about anything. :biggrin:

    Cheers!
    Tyree
     
  2. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    welcome to SF Tyree. I have no clue who Trooper Tyree is... I'm sorry :sad: but anyways Welcome. Feel free to PM me if you ever feel the need to talk to somebody.
     
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF Tyree. While we are about anonymity if you choose to share your name, you won't rock the boat :) Oh, and I do know who TT was. I am glad you decided to join our site and search for some support. I hope we are able to help you find that control again. :hug:
     
  4. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    hey Tyree :hug: welcome to SF
    i hope you find all the help and support you need her :smile:
    i feel pretty much the same as you when it comes to telling people about how i feel as i'm the one that's always there for them - but i've got one or two people i can sort of feel okay telling now :) and that's because this place has kind of opened me up a bit.
    if you ever need someone to talk to, i'm always here :heart:
    triggs xx
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Welcome Tyree lots of support here. I know you say you don't like doctors i was the same way but sometimes we have to bite the bullet and get the doctors to help us. I find psycologist very kind very approachable and understanding hope you can reachout and get some of this. I am glad you came here to vent to get advice because people really care here. Welcome
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    welcome to the forum :hug:
     
  7. reefer madness

    reefer madness Account Closed

    Hi there, welcome the forum.
     
  8. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forums.
     
  9. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF Tyree.

    :hug: xx
     
  10. Aaay!

    Aaay! New Member

    Yay for Trooper Tyree. Ben Johnson was such a warm and friendly chap wasn't he?

    Thanks for the warm welcome everyone. It kind of makes me feel pitiful and sorry for myself though. I've never been down even when I was down, admitting I have a problem makes me feel even more out of control, I really don't like the way that makes me feel.

    Ta.
     
  11. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Tyree was the dukes scout...I hope you find some support here.. The members are genuine in there feelings..
     
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