About a week later...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by joelttVA1, May 11, 2009.

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  1. joelttVA1

    joelttVA1 Member

    I write in a way that makes sense to me and not always to everyone else, so I've added sectional titles to help with that...I'm also very detailed, so everything I write will be a little long...sorry :wink:

    Intro on me: 26, somewhat great (secure at least) federal job, about to move into the first home that I alone have purchased (2-3 weeks hopefully), not a lot of friends but rather a few really good ones.

    How I work:
    My mind is keen to images, shape recognition and such, but not numerals or letters, so I have a sort of "photographic memory" that focus' on the visual and not the data. I have recognized over the past 5-6 years that I have a strange sort of split personality - One side that is raging, vengeful, passionate, and easily injured...the other, analytical, cold, professional, and detached; I'll refer to these often as they are often critiquing each other in my head...

    The situation 1 week ago:

    Had a gun to my head and my cell phone in hand, ready to call the one that I loved so she would be the last person I would ever speak to. What stopped me was that visual part of me that showed me the effect on her and a few others if I had gone through with it (skip to the last paragraphs if you don't want reasoning/ back-story)

    The background:

    I've worked at my present job for a year and a half. It is a somewhat social job where you don't always work with the same people every day. Around this time last year I really started some great and long-lasting friendships that still exist now. One of them was with a girl. She, like me, had a small but tight group of friends she did stuff with at and out of work.

    We became friends through other friends and started doing things together outside of work, but still with our mutual friends - parties, camping, movies, late dinners, etc. Up until last fall, everything grew at a normal pace; at that time, the level of personal confidence between us was at what I would say was a "best friends" level. It was in the middle of last fall that I started getting little hints, little flirts from...not much, just things like hearts after signatures, nudges, excuses to be with each other, things like that. At the time I ignored them, only because fall and winter are busy times at work and I didn't want the extra distraction.

    So, the above continued through early this year when several of us [friends] were having almost monthly "celebrate the weekend by getting drunk and sleeping over at my place" parties at her place. At this point, she was showing interest in several people, not just myself (At around this time, I was starting the initial steps to get a smaller place that I could have by myself or with one other, free of roommates). So over the next couple months leading up to last week, she seemed pretty sweet on another close friend. Normally, I would at least be a little peeved, but I was surprised to find myself happy for her and even encouraging about it.

    Spring 2009:
    The good times for all took a sour turn when her sister, who she was staying with, moved back west to live with her family and asked my friend ("the girl") to come with her...more on this later. So coming up on 2 weeks ago, I had really noticed my regular activities were taking a dive. My analytical side was telling me it was my female friend - that she was interested, possibly romantically with someone else, that she might soon be leaving. I was loosing sleep, unable to focus, my literal every thought was on her, and while I had always had a small sliver of these feelings towards her, now they filled and consumed me. The worse part was that she would leave or go off with someone else without me telling her how I felt.

    1 week +:
    Last weekend before 1 week ago I had gone to her and her roommates apartment to eat dinner with them. We talked a lot afterwords, then just the 2 of us (friend+me) went out for a late movie. We talked a lot on the way there and back, and there was that uneasy tension during the film. At one point she talked about the guy she seemed interested in, but it almost sounded like she was complaining about how things were going. I walked her back to her apartment at the end, and hugged her goodnight. I had wanted to tell her how I felt at the door, but that "thought out" side of me pressed me to write a long, well-thought text message - I basically said that I had liked her for a long time (didn't use 'love') and if she wanted to get together and see how things went. I got the response I expected which was "lets stay good friends because I don't want to ruin that". Since we had a very honest friend-relationship, I decided to accept that as written and move on.

    Last week: Worse week of my life

    Monday - she seems happy to see me, but gradually avoids me more as the day rolls on.
    Tuesday - avoids me at all cost the entire day, all communication attempts ignored. At the end of the day, we ride the same bus to the parking lot, and she gets as "cozy" as possible with the friend she was interested in, right in front of me.
    Rest of the week is the same as Tuesday.

    Wednesday night, I get in probably the worse traffic jam ever, its constantly raining, I get home 2 hours late, go upstairs, got in bed and cried for the first time in about 15 years, load my gun, cell phone in the other hand with her name on the list, and I honestly had "Gun, girl, phone" frozen in my mind for what seemed like hours. It was that sight of her in pain from my death that stopped me.

    Every day since Wednesday has be more excruciating torture after the other - every day being reminded of what I've lost and what opportunities have been missed with this person. I cannot possibly purvey the mass of feelings I have for this person - I would die in the most horrible way for her a thousand times over, do anything for her, give up every thing I've worked for professionally for her, hell, I even want to be happy for her. It seems to me that the "lets stay good friends" response I got from her was all a lie - this bites and gnaws at me infinitely worse than her interest in someone else.

    Side note: One thing that *usually* helps me when I get depressed is music - my second great love in life is music of all kinds; looking back, I found it odd that this is the first time that the music I was listening to on the way home last Wednesday actually pushed me TOWARDS suicide (Band was Sevendust...I had just downloaded "Hope & Sorrow" and "Alpha" and the words for about 3 songs on both albums fit my situation perfectly...it was weird...

    I thought I was doing better, I had hoped the switching off my emotions for the remainder of the week (after Wednesday) would help. I've eaten next to nothing for the past week, I worked out every day to the point of injury (hamstring & shoulder are pulled) without treatment, and now I'm convincing myself that based on evidence from the past 4-5 days I don't think she'll be so sad if I go. I'm now at the point where I either get a time machine to go back and do things I regret not doing, or I die...I start working again on Tuesday and I don't think I can take another week of this.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 11, 2009
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I just wanted you to know that I read your post, and your words made sense to me. I know there isn't much I can say to take away the pain you're in; would it be possible to send her a text and ask her why she's acting this way toward you?
  3. joelttVA1

    joelttVA1 Member

    At this point I can say with almost absolute certainty that it would make things worse - I think any face-to-face (or any communication) with her is going to have to be started by her, as I am terrified of losing what remains of our friendship.
  4. tls5669

    tls5669 Active Member

    I know the type, wants to be your sister but not your girlfriend. You deserve better than her. She sounds shallow, and superficial to me. But if you want to press it, you might want to play hard to get, dont talk to her for days, see if she does anything.

    But let me tell you, your better off without her. Seems to me youve got your head on pretty straight.

    NO WOMAN IS WORTH KILLING YOURSELF OVER. NO WOMAN! And just think, if you kill yourself do you really think she would care? It sounds to me like she wouldnt. Shes the kind that would probably say you were pathetic for taking your life over her.
  5. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    First, welcome to SF. I'm sorry, but I think everytinkg TLS says is what I would say. You seem to have many great aspects to your life: Job, personable with several friends, and seemingly able to make friends easily.

    I've had this type of relationship with a few girls/women before. They never worked out. One of us ended up getting hurt and we never ended up as friends.

    Have you had any counseling or therapy to see if meds. would help. Feel free to send me a private message.

    It's only my opinion, but I think you should move on. As to any personality disorder, you may or may not have one. It's posible.
  6. joelttVA1

    joelttVA1 Member

    I appreciate all the good responses...

    I tried the "hard to get" thing last week for 2 days and all it did was make me feel like crap...and since we have a lot of mutual friends, they start to feel alienated as well. Might give it another shot this week...

    As far as being better off without her, I tried convincing myself of that back before I had told her how I felt. How do you persuade yourself that someone whom is worth more than anything in the world is in fact, not worth it?

    As far as therapy goes, I'm off that permanently. I've been to a family counselor before and I simply don't like them. They are not unlike modern doctor's offices now - drug adds everywhere and you always feel like you are a product to them.

    I'm not sure what meds would work for this situation...never been a fan of them to begin with and I'm not sure if any would get me in trouble at work (we have random system screenings all the time). That and of course I don't want to get addicted to anything.
  7. tls5669

    tls5669 Active Member

    I know its hard to trust a complete stranger. But trust me, youre better off without her. Its not worth the anguish. I know from experience. Tell the bitch your sick of her teasing (and thats what it is, a tease).

    Youre smart, go find someone else, that deserves you.

    I feel the same way you do about meds, making money off of misery. And Im afraid to get addicted to them also. And doctors can only do so much, but thankfully there are people here that all can talk too.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 11, 2009
  8. joelttVA1

    joelttVA1 Member

    I think I may tell her off completely in the future, but I simply can't risk it right now. By risk I mean I can't risk my intense feelings towards her flipping poles and becoming intense feelings against her - It's happened to me before and I don't like the place it takes me to, so I've adopted a "ride it out, then adjust" policy for future relationships.

    Still good advice though, so thx :smile:
  9. tls5669

    tls5669 Active Member

    Dont tell her off, that will blow up in your face. Just be nice about it, and tell her, that you can see that she doesnt feel the same way about you that you do of her. Tell her you want to explore other options, meet new friends, and then go out an do it. Dont shackle yourself to her.
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