About abusive men

Discussion in 'Soap Box' started by chjones21, Dec 11, 2010.

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  1. chjones21

    chjones21 Well-Known Member

    I have a question about abusive men (this isn't meant to be sexist but I don't have a question about abusive women and motivations may well be different).

    When abusive men abuse - does that energise them? Do they feel good, re-energised, better for it? A bit like an addict getting a "hit" of whatever drug they need, they then feel better and that they can carry on and go out in the world and do what they need to do....

    I don't know if anyone will know but if anyone has been or is an abusive man, I would really appreciate understanding a little more.

  2. MistyMaisy

    MistyMaisy Well-Known Member

    I'm not an abusive person but I think it raises their self esteem a bit more? So I guess it would be like a good thing for them. Not sure about drug but if it were occasional I guess. >.<
  3. chjones21

    chjones21 Well-Known Member

    I suppose it has to be a good thing or they wouldn't do it.... I think I was looking at it backwards, as it were - seeing abuse as a thing that they didn't want to do but was a result of 'provocation' but now I am not sure about that. I think they seek to abuse (not out of fear, or a lack of self-esteem or anything like that) but simply because it does energise them, make them feel good and that is why they look for likely 'victims'...

    the ones who will stay, will endure or put up with it or won't have the resources (emotional or otherwise) to leave - they seek them out and when they find women/girls like that, they use all their charm and perseverance to make sure they 'hook' them because then they know they have a source of their "drug". Someone to abuse and they want that.

    When that person finally leaves, broken and degraded and completely out of everything, they find another to take the place. They don't even look back, I don't think unless they think they will find difficulty in finding a replacement - in which case, they might try to hold onto the one they already have their claws halfway into...

    They say, the more you 'forgive' or 'understand' or 'tolerate', the more power the abuser has over you... I think that is true too. So better to get out when you can -

    - but I am still curious what is it that they 'feel' or what kind of 'buzz' do they get from abusing, if they do get one - what is that?

    My sister was abused by her husband to the point of a complete and total mental, physical, spiritual breakdown - she was hospitalised unable to speak or move. We made an intervention and took her home (to my mother's house) and neighbours of hers took the children from school and also back to my mothers. He never bothered to follow up, I don't know what he is doing - he never signed the divorce papers but my sister got one through the whole being separated for x amount of time. The children are delighted not to have to see him, of course, but funnily enough the eldest boy (who was the recipient of the physical abuse when he tried to protect his mother) is the one I think (who although he says he doesn't and he hates his father and is glad never to see him again - wants to re-establish contact. I think he wants some sort of acknowledgement from his father, something he will never get as long as his father knows that he wants it!). My niece is just very happy not to be there and not to see him (there wasn't any sexual abuse or anything like that - just verbal and emotional bullying and abuse and physical in terms of violence toward my sister and my oldest nephew). My youngest nephew was only five when they left so he doesn't really remember that well, which is lucky for him.

    Anyway blah blah blah!

    I am similar to that sister (we are similar) and I don't want to start attracting that sort of abusive man. My other two sisters are very different, strong and brilliant and kind and lovely - and they are both married (happily) to lovely guys.

    I don't wish to get married anyway but I worry about the 'type' of person I am and feel that I am the sort of person an abuser would see as a likely 'victim' - just like my sister. There is something in us, what it is I don't know exactly .... low self-esteem? not really caring about anything too much?? self-blaming?? always wanting to put others first not out of altruism exactly but out of a sense that our wishes and desires are not nearly as important as those of others because we are not quite "worth it" (unlike the L'Oreal advert !! :wink:). OH I don't know....

    I wonder whether there is an ex-abusive man on this forum who will be prepared to be honest about it? I don't think many abusive men ever change so it seems unlikely.

    Thanks for your reply Misty. My response was a bit of an extended ramble but nevermind, hope you have a lovely day!
  4. Zurkhardo

    Zurkhardo Well-Known Member

    Thankfully, I don't have any first hand accounts or experiences with the matter. I have, however, done some research on it, and turned up a lot of things. As with most psychological and sociological phenomenon, there does not seem to be any one factor or motivation behind it.

    Power is the most frequently cited reason, particularly for men with a history of insecurity or who are enduring a "emasculating" situation such as joblessness, illness, poverty, and the like. Essentially, the man is compensating for a lack of control in his life by projecting it upon where and who he should or can dominate.

    Some have even argued, rather controversially, that there is a biological or evolutionary component, in that the male tries to assert his dominance over his mate in order to ensure his seed is passed on.

    Then there is resource theory, which holds that too much dependence on part of the woman increases the likelihood of abuse, whereas a more equitable role and financial contribution significantly lowers the chances that violence or conflict will erupt.
  5. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    It depends. Hostility can come from, and usually does come from insecurity. An inability to control or understand the situation and elements, so the person imposes their limits and definitions onto the situation, and when the situation goes beyond their limits, they respond with aggression to try and subdue and constrain the situation to their desired limits.

    Some actually enjoy living life like this, some get the rush of watching the world bow to their whims. Control is a lack of understanding and being able to personally adjust themselves. Some have been doing this for so long that they don't know any other way of interacting with life
  6. chjones21

    chjones21 Well-Known Member

    Thanks Zurkhado - that was really interesting, I think maybe I will do a little research of my own into it. It is an interesting subject I think, anyway, in terms of understanding human behaviour and psychology. :)
  7. chjones21

    chjones21 Well-Known Member

    some get the rush of watching the world bow to their whims.

    Yeah, I wonder about that _ I mean clearly power can be very addictive and like a drug to some.

    People can be extremely loath to give it up, too. But is that the same thing that drives an abusive nature? I am not sure.... hmmm. It is interesting....
  8. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    It depends. Mostly id say it's frustration that whatever they are abusing isn't conforming to their set patterens or desires. Someones doing what they dont want them to do, so they "adjust" them.

    Some actually get off too on repeatidly taking the piss out of another. It's like an ego boost, they make themselves believe that they are "right" and "better" and whomever they are abusing is "inferior". They enjoy seeing the pain and submission from the abused individual(s).
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