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About as simple as i can put it...

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Ever since around 8 months ago or so, i've been depressed. Even proven so by a pdoc. I also suffer from extreme anxiety, which is just the cherry on top. It's hard for me to go through the day without thinking of a new way to end my life, or even just thinking about death in general. I've never really let my parents know the extent of my depression because I didn't want them to feel like I was a failure as a son or just a fuck-up in general. I've only let a few friends in but one of them in particular has helped me through this the most. The only problem is that she's leaving to Africa in a few months, and I may join the military. But one problem is that im beginning to like this little depressed hole that i've dug for myself. It's cozy and a nice little place to let my cynicism build. I've found it rather easy to discount many people by just saying "people are assholes, and no one is an exception". Maybe thats why my friend is going to Africa. Maybe she can't deal with me anymore, and maybe she'll find someone whose better for her than me. All I can do is think, but when I think, I get depressed real quick. I'm beginning to believe that I may be slightly bi-polar. I want to die, but I don't have the courage to do it myself. I believe it would be easier if people thought that my death was an accident caused by stupidity than people knowing the real truth. I would rather die an idiot than a coward in others eyes.
if you have depressiona and anxiety, I think that joining the military would just make things worse.

some treatment sounds like a good idea. maybe you can work your way toward telling your parents about what is going on. maybe you could get treatment without them knowing?

I hope that you are able to get better!
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