About Me a Bit

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Broken, Aug 5, 2009.

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  1. Broken

    Broken Member

    I know i should read through the forums and see what others have posted. im here on a spur of the moment thought that maybe there are forums for this sort of thing. I understand that suicidal thoughts start when a person has reached the threshold of how much they can carry of certain feelings. i fully understand that someone like me is not alone. i know the people around me care about me.

    to put it in a single sentence I have no purpose. I live for the people around me and whenever i feel suicidal my safety line is picturing those peoples reactions when my life ends. Ive sought help many times for this throughout my life. from highschool to now ive been on and off meds (tho to be honest i hate the me who i am when im on them). I dont know what i should write here anymore. I guess i could try and explain where my feelings stem from.

    I hate this world. i hate having to get a job, having to stand up and walk forward for the people who care about me. i hate the pressure their respect forces onto me. having to take care of my own responsibilities that living for them creates, my job my bills my entire life. Some day's i even hate the people i care about because of this. Im tired of living and everything it entails. Sick of my family pushing me to get a girlfriend, sick of how uncomfortable i get when trying even do so. Most of the time i guess i even hate myself.

    at this point i dont even know why im posting this. I suppose its just a method to get the burden off my chest so i dont have to carry it around. The days when i feel like telling my family how i feel come around more and more, and i really dont want to burden them with it. i dont want my mother to spend sleepless nights wondering about me, or my sister harassing me about my problems (she harasses me enough as it is concerning her dislike with my lifestyle). I dont plan on killing myself at the moment, most days the thought does pass through my mind often, some days i think it once or twice.

    The thought runs through me when i think back to a moment that shames me. Something stupid i did or said that was hurtful to a person or embarrassing to me. really whenever i do something stupid or thoughtless my conscience grabs it and wont let it go, wont let me forget it unless i can apologize for it or make amends. sometimes i can, most of the time such and action is impossible. whenever one of these moments runs through my head i get the thought that i should die.

    im gonna leave off here. i dont really know what to expect but i am hoping i ditch some of my burden doing this
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi glad you can come here and vent a bit It does help to get the thoughts out of your head and on paper. My time too is spent mostly on my family as i don't seem to care about me at all. I am here for them only and to make them well and happy. If a certain memory is bothering you or you want to apologize for a certain action even if you write this down on paper saying what you want to say to a certain somone it helps even if the paper is never sent you got the thought out of your head. I hope this makes sense but journalling does help you to organize your thoughts relook at them I hope you find the support you need here and i know you will find compassion and understanding without any judgement at alll. take care hope to hear from you again soon.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...I hope posting did relieve you...exchanging with ppl who understand what you are going through can be very affirming...welcome again and glad you found us...big hugs, J
  4. Broken

    Broken Member

    I guess i actually do feel better doing so. Opening up makes me feel ill at the same time, as anonymous as doing so in this manner is
  5. Ronin

    Ronin New Member

    I just joined up, on my birthday no less, and I feel basically the same as Broken stated in his post. I think I felt this way for many years about society/world, that for the most part each of us is living just to provide a service for the next person. Living as a human race is going out the door and being replaced by a "what can you do for me" mentality. The world economy isnt helping either, people, at least around my area, arn't reaching out to those in need they are too wound up in protecting what they have and basically saying to others " well it sucks to be you"

    I work just to keep food in the fridge and roof over my head. Thoughts of leaving this rock we call Earth come into my mind daily. Not so much because I'm sad but at the state of affairs this world is in.The only thing holding me here is the fact that both my parents are still alive. I lost my sister to an auto accident many years ago, she was older then me and the first child in our family, that event was so traumatic that I would never make my parents go through that again. Other then them though, thats really all I have right now. My past 2 girlfriends both said the same thing when they broke up with me, that I'm too good of a boyfriend and that I care too much.
    My friends? Well they are wrapped up in their own issues.

    I been writing my thoughts down ever since I was 23, as of today I am 37 and in reading back though what I wrote down early in my life it basically mirrors what I write today. Same things, problems, issues, world view etc.. Not exactly but close.

    I just happen to Google this site and I hope it helps me in some way and maybe I can help someone in return.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    hi broken,
    its obivious that you do care about the feelings of your family.
    im not sure how old you are but there must be something that truley intrests you.
    for me, i moved from colorado to louisana.... long story there.
    i miss co. with a passion. but i know theres things out here that i have yet to see and experiance.
    give it a shot.
  7. Broken

    Broken Member

    so, six months till i had to...post something again. I guess thats pretty good. Not that my suicidal urges disappeared during those six months, but i was able to stave off being totally buried in them. Well i lost my job in August actually, my mill shutdown due to lumber prices and such, i got a new one tho. But ive only worked at it for the month of Oct and 2 weeks in September. The reason for that was in September i had to have surgery on my hand, and on November 2nd i dislocated my shoulder getting out of the bathtub. You wanna feel stupid, hurt yourself in a totally wastful manner right at the point where you are almost financially back on track. But still i was looking forward, i thought "new job! new stuff to do!". Course now i just got diagnosed with Kennedy disease. So its now 1 in the afternoon, ive been up for 3 hours and into the bottle for 1. figured i may as well finish off my whisky before i go back on my meds.
    What did i do to piss god off exactly? why the hell is life so hell bent on shattering my ambition to not only live, but at least try to succeed? This is a rant btw, ive long since come to the conclusion that there is no "answer" that will erase the reason i feel about life as a whole. I swear the next time a JW or something knocks on my door and asks me if i ever wondered what gods plan for me is ill break down crying.
    like what the fuck. Since my shoulder injury ive taken to reading manga comics and just about any decent scifi-fantasy novel i can get my hands on. yeah this is just me trying to escape reality, but still it keeps my mind off my current problems. I do start work again next week tho. But not like being on a roof (my new job since the mill shutdown was as a roofer, so shingling and tearoff and shit) being on a roof in january is something to be excited about. But i may as well work while my body lets me i suppose.

    anyway this is just a rant, i needed an outlet for this shit. Im glad this site is around,
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