about me...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by raven6, Oct 8, 2007.

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  1. raven6

    raven6 Member

    I've always been alone... even though I've tried so many times to talk to people... i was always left aside.
    I dont expect it to change, but since the suicide of my girlfriend without known reason, there is nothing left for me.
    I never had friends, and i most definetly don't want to talk about it with my parents again. I seek help now, but i really just wanna get it over with.
    Though i don't want therapy either, i don't want to be constantly told about what he/she thinks i supposedly like about life.
    I've tried to do it twice already... in long periods between.
    I tried to hang myself but the cord broke and it only made me feel more miserable.
    Later i tried to cut myself, but when i was actually doing it, i realised the blade was too blunt to ever get to my veins. I cried so much i couldn't see where i was going.
    Everything that used to make me happy has become so empty...
    And everyone i talk to seems to speak nothing but meaningless words...
    For now i'm only thinking about another try, but i'm guessing it won't be long before i freak out again...
    I don't know if i want any help or if i'd accept any help i'd get...
     
  2. Don't worry. Things will get better. There is always someone willing to listen despite your past. You just have to look in the right place. We're listening to you:smile:. As far as the friends issue. Get involved into something you like and you'll make friends easily.
     
  3. Sephaus

    Sephaus Well-Known Member

    I can understand the feeling of being unsure if you want help or would even accept it, I feel the same way. I personally feel that any assistance given would just be a false hope for myself, and I have gained a higher understanding of my torment through therapy, but I still do not think I can ever be truly happy since all I feel is bitter and hollow. Hardly anything brings me true happiness now either, for myself what I enjoy most(reading, film, music, etc.) is just an escape from myself. I know I cannot begin to truly comprehend your inner torment, but a lot of what you're feeling in your post I can really relate with. I wish you all the best.
     
  4. raven6

    raven6 Member

    That's what i get to hear every time i try to talk to someone about it...
    they're usually the ones to leave me to rot as well.
    I don't know why i still try to contact other people, because the only person i really want to talk to is her...
    Every day is empty and every word is meaningless...
    I want to scream it all out, yet i don't want to talk to anyone about it.
    Everyone i know seems to be the same somehow.
    The same fake smile when i talk to them... the same way people look at me when they see me...the way i can hear their stupid opinions without them knowing i do...
    I just don't care anymore...
    i guess the price of sanity is loneliness
     
  5. im sorry to hear that. Have you tried to channel your frustration into a hobby. For those people who talk bad about you, forget them. There are better options out there. Don't give up.
     
  6. You say you've always been alone, but that you had a girlfriend? How did that work? Surely a girlfriend is the best possible friend? And if you can get one of those, I'm sure you can make more friends.

    I'm never had any real friends.

    I'm very sorry for your loss.
     
  7. raven6

    raven6 Member

    We met eachother waiting for the bus to go to school...
    Were listening to the same band with our mp3's to the loudest.
    And started seeing eachother more often, i thought my empty existance finally meant something...
    She told me about her situation at home (her mom died when she was 6 and around then her dad used to abuse her as a child) and that she was having therapy for being suicidal.
    I was shocked at first, as I've had never been confronted with it before.
    But then, instead of saying words like 'it'll be allright' like she probably heard a lot before, i just hugged her... and there wasn't a better thing i could have done... slowly she started to look more... happy.
    Last vacation i went on a holiday to France for three weeks(early July 2007), but i couldn't contact her because my mobile phone had broken...
    Why did we have to go to such an abandoned village anyway damn it!?
    When i returned home, i felt there was something wrong...
    I kept texting her of me being back from holidays and asking how she was doing, but she didn't reply after 2 days.
    So i went to her house only to find out from her father that she had killed herself... i lost my mind and couldn't stop blaming her father for it...
    He must've done something that made her give it all up...
    Still... i tried talking to him, but he kept avoiding me until one day he just moved away and i was left alone once more...
    I still blame myself for going on holidays just cause my parents wanted me to... I still blame myself for not being with her...
     
  8. Omg that is so awful :(
     
  9. raven6

    raven6 Member

    I'm still alive...
    Though it's been just months, it feels like years.
    Endlessly I hide my grief, sorrow, hate and anger from everyone.
    Because I know there's no one there to help me...
    I still blame myself for not being there when she needed me most.
    ...
    And as I live on another empty day of my life...
    ... I still wait...
    ... wait for my empty existance... to mean something again...
     
  10. raven6

    raven6 Member

    Channel my frustration into a hobby?
    Sure, i'll play pingpong while crying, sounds fun...

    How can I forget the people that talk bad about me? I see them almost every day at school... it won't be long before i'll "channel my frustration" on them i feel...

    Better options? I guess... but they weren't meant for me.

    Don't give up? Maybe... but I've given up finding help.

    I don't think i'll return to this forum exept with good news...
    I'm gonna take a long walk to a nearby park where we used to be together...
    I'm bringing a knife with me, and think about what I really want.
    I don't know if it's a good idea, but I feel like it.

    Until we meet again... whoever actually reads this.
     
  11. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    Something that's helped for me is to write out your suicide note. That way you get out all your frustrations and you find that the reasoning behind it comes pouring out, then you'll think of the people you love and maybe it'll help you feel like not going through with it. I also think sometimes writing helps, but try to stay away from extreme violence as that will only trigger you more. I'm going through something similar.
     
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