My parents were just now really recommending for me to visit my relatives in Canada, I last visited them spring 1999 and I feel really depressed and conflicted over this, why the hell did they bring it up? I feel that I should never visit them again ever and I know thats a horrible thing to say. Its not them, its me. I am not normal, I am a VERY FUCKED UP PERSON, especially compared to all my perfect relatives, I am the black sheep. I'm just so incredibly abnormal and a loser that they'd laugh at me now, it'd be okay if I was a strange little loser as a 12 year old, but not as a 19 year old now, still having no friends, nothing to go at in life, etc. I KNOW I should visit them and my parents tell me to visit them as they are a bit older than me and they are my peers but hanging around my peers is even worse since I lack so many things, am so boring, empty and they are all normal, play sports, listen to music, do normal things, etc. Nobody knows how much of a loser I am except for me and I'm not fucking crazy. Speaking of which, I had visited my relatives in India last summer and it was a total disaster, my depression and suicidal thoughts got in the way, I didn't even talk to them after not having seen them since 1997. I didn't see them in 9 years and I didn't even talk to any of them, ask them things, catch up, like NORMAL people do. I feel now that I never want to visit them ever again as well and thats again a bad thing for me to say and think. After the trip, I had emailed two of my cousins and told them that I was suicidal and why I was so quiet and morose and they were extremely shocked and I bet quite angry at me for thinking about suicide and haven't replied back to me. Trust me, Indians in general are MUCH LESS sympathetic and understanding about depression and suicide. Your not supposed to be depressed and suicidal there. They must have told everyone else and now everyone there must think I'm a loser and a fucking freak. Everyone there my age is happy and sucessful and studying hard for their future and I keep thinking about killing myself and never having one. I feel so bad that many of my relatives are far far far poorer than I but they will be much more successful than me, much better off and I'll be dead. Should I ever visit my relatives in India again? Should I visit my relatives in Canada in May? By the way, I'm very distant to all my relatives anyways. My parents call them regularly but I never even email or talk to them so its like they don't even exist, most likely the same for them towards me, we're just incredibly apart and I've visited both my relatives in Canada and India just a few times in my utterly god-damned pathetic fucking life. Fuck, I'm so conflicted and messed up here. Fuck. Why did my asshole dad have to save me as a very weak pre-mature baby on the brink of death? I was supposed to have fucking died.