Hello, I have been looking for a site like this for sometime. I have a plan. But just haven't gone through with it. I came looking for this site for that "give it one last chance". So here is my story. I am 39yo Male. (just fyi) Was raised by alcoholic parents. (nothing new) The person I consider my father isn't my biological father, and I don't talk to him and he had made it clear after he had a child with my step mother that I was different then his biological child. Parents divorced when I was around 9. Wow 30 years ago. Anyway I'm not sure if my childhood matters at this point I am sure it has some bearing on my attitude towards life. But anyway on with the story. Growing up I seen my dad hold a gun to my mothers head, my mother beating my father. I have beat up my stepfather for beating on my mother. Taken care of my mother while she was stone drunk drowning in her own vomit naked. Was in a fist fight with my mother after she ran me over with her truck and some how it was all my fault and the rest of the family was always making sure I knew it. Was kicked out of the house by the same women for putting her husband(stepfather) in the hospital after he beat her. Was married to my high school girlfriend the summer before my senior year. She wasn't pregnant her parents insisted because I was living with them after living at various peoples houses and in the woods for sometime. During all this I somehow managed to graduate high school with good grades and a full time job my own apartment, car etc. I have always worked literately since I could walk either on my uncles farm or other family businesses. After high school I went into the military. Stayed in the service for almost 5 yrs 3 of which was in Italy. I went to Bosnia so I am a veteran of a foreign war I did see things I probably will never talk about. After the service I bounced around from job to job ... every job I have ever had I work myself out of a job. Have never been fired just worked got promoted until I was smarter then the boss and they felt threatened that I was after their job and they would get rid of me. While I'm sure it sounds like I am bragging, I'm not. I'm intelligent ... who knows where I got it from both my parents are almost incompetent. I'm also very creative. I enjoy drawing, sculpting, fabricating, designing ... etc. I should say used to enjoy. You might be thinking at this point "Why is he here?" I am here because I have worked my @$$ for my entire life and have very little to show for it. (oh poor me... blah blah) I was divorced from my first wife after 12 years. We are both remarried. I have 2 adult children from my first wife. My current wife wanted kids but I couldn't give them to her because my first wife wanted me to get fixed because she didn't want any more kids and now she has 2 babies at home with her new husband. Whatever!! I was laid off from my last job almost 6months ago and can't find a job anywhere ... My current wife is getting sick of working all the time and I am just getting further in debt. I have more then $60k in outstanding debt. and can't get any credit because my ex filed bankruptcy just before she left me. I have been fed up with life for sometime now my kids are grown neither of them talk to me very much even though I try to call them at least once a week. Always goes straight to voice mail. My daughter is better at answering her phone then my son. I wish my son knew what it was like to really not have a father. I am at least tying to break the cycle. I feel like my wife is sick of me sitting around the house. And seeing me depressed. She herself has spent time in the mental ward. so I know she is depressed but is trying to stay strong for me. I have lost interest in everything I think I have always been depressed, and have always buried it by working extra hard , at school, work physical fitness, hobbies, etc ... Think that is why I have such a wide skill set ... there isn't much I don't know how to do. But none of that matter to me anymore. I'm tired of trying so hard just to get smacked back down. I used to own a house ... gone ... I have never had a decent car. Well I did but my ex took that. now I live in a small house bought a car that I thought was good using all of my 401k money and it broke down 2 weeks after I bought it now being on unemployment I can't afford to fix it. If your still reading I'm surprised. I have been considering ending it all just so I'm not a burden to my wife my kids no longer need me. Also for the selfish reason of not being in pain any more ... thing is I'm not in pain I'm numb at this point. I placed a loaded firearm in my mouth just to see and I wasn't scarred or anything ... Just didn't want to leave a mess for my wife to clean up. When she got home I took a shower and ended up sitting in the tub crying because I knew at that point I could really do it. Crying for the people that I would hurt. I know I am cared for ... but I don't want to be I just want to die so maybe I could start over. I feel like I have done everything this life has to offer. Sorry for the winded story ... I am glad to be here ... I have already talked to a couple people in chat (thank you Katie and Swift)... I know being here will help me even if it just for a little while. Maybe I will be able to help others and that is why I am here. I don't know yet. Thanks for reading. Always looking for new friends... I am terrible at keeping people close to me. :i'm sorry: for such a long post if you read the whole thing you deserve a pat on the back or at least a hug.