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About RDF

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RDF, Jan 23, 2011.

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  1. RDF

    RDF Guest


    I have been looking for a site like this for sometime. I have a plan. But just haven't gone through with it. I came looking for this site for that "give it one last chance". So here is my story. I am 39yo Male. (just fyi)

    Was raised by alcoholic parents. (nothing new) The person I consider my father isn't my biological father, and I don't talk to him and he had made it clear after he had a child with my step mother that I was different then his biological child. Parents divorced when I was around 9. Wow 30 years ago. Anyway I'm not sure if my childhood matters at this point I am sure it has some bearing on my attitude towards life. But anyway on with the story. Growing up I seen my dad hold a gun to my mothers head, my mother beating my father. I have beat up my stepfather for beating on my mother. Taken care of my mother while she was stone drunk drowning in her own vomit naked. Was in a fist fight with my mother after she ran me over with her truck and some how it was all my fault and the rest of the family was always making sure I knew it. Was kicked out of the house by the same women for putting her husband(stepfather) in the hospital after he beat her. Was married to my high school girlfriend the summer before my senior year. She wasn't pregnant her parents insisted because I was living with them after living at various peoples houses and in the woods for sometime. During all this I somehow managed to graduate high school with good grades and a full time job my own apartment, car etc. I have always worked literately since I could walk either on my uncles farm or other family businesses.

    After high school I went into the military. Stayed in the service for almost 5 yrs 3 of which was in Italy. I went to Bosnia so I am a veteran of a foreign war I did see things I probably will never talk about.

    After the service I bounced around from job to job ... every job I have ever had I work myself out of a job. Have never been fired just worked got promoted until I was smarter then the boss and they felt threatened that I was after their job and they would get rid of me. While I'm sure it sounds like I am bragging, I'm not. I'm intelligent ... who knows where I got it from both my parents are almost incompetent. I'm also very creative. I enjoy drawing, sculpting, fabricating, designing ... etc. I should say used to enjoy.

    You might be thinking at this point "Why is he here?"

    I am here because I have worked my @$$ for my entire life and have very little to show for it. (oh poor me... blah blah) I was divorced from my first wife after 12 years. We are both remarried. I have 2 adult children from my first wife. My current wife wanted kids but I couldn't give them to her because my first wife wanted me to get fixed because she didn't want any more kids and now she has 2 babies at home with her new husband. Whatever!!
    I was laid off from my last job almost 6months ago and can't find a job anywhere ... My current wife is getting sick of working all the time and I am just getting further in debt. I have more then $60k in outstanding debt. and can't get any credit because my ex filed bankruptcy just before she left me.
    I have been fed up with life for sometime now my kids are grown neither of them talk to me very much even though I try to call them at least once a week. Always goes straight to voice mail. My daughter is better at answering her phone then my son. I wish my son knew what it was like to really not have a father. I am at least tying to break the cycle. I feel like my wife is sick of me sitting around the house. And seeing me depressed. She herself has spent time in the mental ward. so I know she is depressed but is trying to stay strong for me.
    I have lost interest in everything I think I have always been depressed, and have always buried it by working extra hard , at school, work physical fitness, hobbies, etc ... Think that is why I have such a wide skill set ... there isn't much I don't know how to do. But none of that matter to me anymore. I'm tired of trying so hard just to get smacked back down. I used to own a house ... gone ... I have never had a decent car. Well I did but my ex took that. now I live in a small house bought a car that I thought was good using all of my 401k money and it broke down 2 weeks after I bought it now being on unemployment I can't afford to fix it.

    If your still reading I'm surprised. I have been considering ending it all just so I'm not a burden to my wife my kids no longer need me. Also for the selfish reason of not being in pain any more ... thing is I'm not in pain I'm numb at this point. I placed a loaded firearm in my mouth just to see and I wasn't scarred or anything ... Just didn't want to leave a mess for my wife to clean up. When she got home I took a shower and ended up sitting in the tub crying because I knew at that point I could really do it. Crying for the people that I would hurt. I know I am cared for ... but I don't want to be I just want to die so maybe I could start over. I feel like I have done everything this life has to offer.

    Sorry for the winded story ... I am glad to be here ... I have already talked to a couple people in chat (thank you Katie and Swift)... I know being here will help me even if it just for a little while. Maybe I will be able to help others and that is why I am here. I don't know yet.

    Thanks for reading. Always looking for new friends... I am terrible at keeping people close to me.

    :i'm sorry: for such a long post if you read the whole thing you deserve a pat on the back or at least a hug.
  2. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    First up, no sorry. You have been very brave in relating your story so frankly. Just expressing your pain in such a coherant way took a lot of guts.

    I want to ask have you ever had counselling for PTSD? I just wonder if that is adding to your problems right now.

    Have you thought that talking to your wife might actually help? I know that you feel you don't want to add to her burden, but you may be doing just that by not talking. She could be worried sick about you. Maybe think about writing her a letter if you don't feel you can do it face to face.

    Ultimately, you need to seek some help. How and where from is up to you. Of course, talking through things with us on here is always going to help. Thank you for being brave enough to get all that out. :hug:
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Maybe this is the opportunity to start a more formal education (even online) and see what you want to do...it will take time, but once you have it, noone can take it from you...many people start their education at your age and in a few yrs have something (e.g. nursing, physical therapy, IT) especially in the fields that are recession proof...I am so glad you posted and know there are many ppl who relate...welcome and please continue to share what is going on...J
  4. RDF

    RDF Guest

    Thank you for your response... I haven't sought any counseling for PTSD. One thing I forgot to add is that I did quit drinking a little over a year ago and that was one of my ways to deal with my depression and overactive mind. I was a binge drinker. I did try to kill myself a few days before New Years last year I drank a 5th and a pint in about a half hour. Had over 12 seizures. Was on suicide watch for 24hrs. Doctor said I was luck to at least not be brain dead.

    I have tried talking to my wife. She gets upset and mad and we end up fighting. I hate conflict so I avoid it she will ask me what's wrong and I will tell her I am depressed sometimes she consoles me but usually I tell her I'm not feeling well. I have IBS so I get sick and tired often but usually able to push it aside and work through it but lately I just sleep all day when I have a flare up. I think I have gotten maybe 4 hours of sleep in the last 3 weeks. I don't think she would like me seeking help for PTSD ... I don't remember it but she told me I scared the hell out of her just before I had my seizures she said that I "went military" on her she said I didn't even look like myself. I don't remember any of it I was blacked out. She wouldn't tell me what I did. She said I didn't hurt her physically just yelled but that is all she will say about it. She doesn't even like me to watch war movies or anything like that. Maybe that is part of the problem. I did goto counseling after my divorce I was really lost. Couldn't function other then go to work eat sleep ... was like I was a robot. Knew I need help because my children where young I would pick them up for my visits with them and just go home and sit and watch TV couldn't interact with them at all. Not sure about seeking help again. Didn't have a great experience last time. And I have been on meds before and they just gave me turrets. Not fun
  5. RDF

    RDF Guest

    Thank you for reply,
    I have a degree ... would love to expand on my degree but I still owe money on the first one and I can't get a loan to buy a candy bar :)
    I'm glad to be here I have read a few other post and I know I'm not the worst there is just need to vent ... and feel like there is some support somewhere. Thank you both for listening.
  6. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Do you have health insurance?

    You might want to check out this book

    "Curing IBS Naturally with Chinese Medicine"

    also titles on depression and insomnia

    you might be able to get these titles through inter-library borrowing, not likely that your local library has these on the shelves

    many states have laws requiring sellers to refund your money if your car breaks down soon after purchase. you may have to take action within a certain period of time though

    what is your degree in?

    what kind of job skills do you have?
  7. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    You have gone through a lot all your life, but now the reason you are thinking about giving up is money, is anybody's life worth 60k?, it was my reason as well and I didn't even owe anything, just couldn't afford a place to live and was embarrassed to look for help, now I see how wrong I was, you will come out fine, it's just money, they can take your car, your house, you can get those things later again, but your kids would never get another father, please don't even think about it! -by the way, now I owe a lot from the hospital, but it doesn't bother me at all...

    Will pray for you tonight
  8. RDF

    RDF Guest

    First would like to thank everyone for the responses.


    No health insurance

    I have an associates degree in applied science "Multi-media"

    My skill set is:
    Artist (drawing, painting, sculpting)
    Graphic Design
    Video editing

    I am going to look into that book. TY

    And I have had the car for over 6 months and bought it from a private sell with an AS-IS receipt. Going to just sell it for as much as I can get and buy something older. Miss my old Chevy truck :cool:


    You're right. All the stuff in my past has put tons of weight on me but being broke and at the verge of being homeless has pushed me to the edge. Being on the edge has brought up everything in the past. I even remembered the other day how I was beat as a child something I all but forgot about. But your post did put it into perspective. Thank you for that.

    I am sure I can climb out of this hole, but I am finding a lot of crap piled on top of it things I don't want to deal with. I really hope to get to a place where I can be a help to this community that has given me so much in a very short time.
  9. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    good luck to you.
  10. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    there may be some veteran related health or other benefits that you may be eligible for

    also, you might be eligible for medicaid

    even if you don't want to try meds or therapy, still probably a good idea to have insurance.
  11. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member


    Please look into your local VA office, there is one not to far from you. They may be able to assist you financially until you can get back on your feet, they also know if many organizations that you can join. Let me know if you have any problems finding information on this, and I will ask my H how he got started with his VA benefits.
  12. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    Glad to help!, praying for you to not think of those past issues and remember that being broke or homeless will make you a more humble person and make you appreciate more things, don't think of what other persons may think about you being broke or having to go to a shelter, think about you and not about looking good to others, broke/homeless=1000 times better than being dead, you will get ahead again soon, some of the best human beings that have changed and thaught humanity humility didn't have a penny or a home of their own (Jesus, ghandi, mother Teresa, daila lama, etc).

    God will provide and will bless you. :)
  13. DeAdwOrLD

    DeAdwOrLD Well-Known Member


    You sound like you've been on a long tough road. So sorry to read about your current situation.

    I don't think there are any quick fix solution, are there? If I knew of any I would be the first to tell everyone. Keep talking if it helps you make thing clearer. You've got plenty of skills and abilities that any employer would value. Keep fighting for a way through the difficulties you're experiencing. Something has to work out. I mean it has to. I wish you all the best.
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