About self-confidence...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by CD110, May 31, 2014.

  1. CD110

    CD110 Well-Known Member

    It's a complex question I have, but I'll try to keep it short. A bit of background: I'm in in my late 20s, never been in a relationship before because I've always been withdrawn, ostracized and, frankly, disinterested. Now I've got it in my head to give the relationship thing a whirl within the next few years. Not for sex, if it matters, rather the emotional aspect. I have a laundry list of shortcomings, physical and social, that could hamper my effort, but on the flipside I'd be very accepting of such shortcomings in a partner. Now, the thing on my mind for this topic...

    I keep reading, again and again, that self-confidence is this all-important element of attraction, and it gnaws at me as much any of my body image issues. Why? Because I've always been subdued, low-key and cynical about myself. It just comes natural, and projecting anything else would be illusory, something I want to avoid at all costs because I believe that honesty is the best policy, except when it comes to avoiding hurting someone. Again, I wouldn't expect outward confidence from the other person, and I actually find it irritating, even when it's within what most people find a reasonable range. The moment someone starts boasting or even talking favorably about themselves, I like them a little less. Humility is one of the traits I appreciate most in a person, so I don't feel unjustified in projecting that sort of image. But I keep reading opinions like ''if you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you?'' Dammit, it's more complex than that. I know it is for me, because I'm only insecure when it comes to other people. It's not 'I hate my body and voice' so much as 'My body and voice aren't going to appeal to anyone'.

    So, what do you think? How important is conspicuous self-confidence in building a relationship? What do you think of people who are humble and even self-deprecating as a core personality trait?
    Last edited by a moderator: May 31, 2014
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I think true self confidence is neither conspicuous nor ostentatious. You have every right to be confident in yourself from what you have described. You are open mind and non - judgmental about flaws- acknowledge your own flaws which is not a defect, not in it for the quick sex so no pressure on you from that end. The only thing that really will effect your confidence is inexperience and I am not sure being a "player" makes a better resume if you are looking for an emotion based relationship.

    Have you any place to meet people or do you go out anywhere that could be used to meet people now that you have developed an interest in it? If so then the simple fact you are interested will show anyway. If not that is the next hurdle. Simply finding some place where you are comfortable so you can enjoy yourself as opposed to just go with the idea of meeting somebody. If you have something you can do that you enjoy then women will see you enjoying yourself and that will overcome any issues about appearance and voice and is the last bit of the puzzle to quiet assured self confidence. If you look like you are having fun they will want to be with you because people go out to have fun. If you look miserable and like you cant wait to get out of there- well... it is not what people want when they go out. So find an activity that you like and go enjoy the activity in a place with a mix of people and you cannot lose as you will be doing something that was fun regardless of the outcome of any day or week on the relationship front.

    Bottom line- to avoid your issues with whether somebody would find you appealing omn physical levels, make sure you are doing something that makes you look fun as opposed to on display at a trendy club which is certain to leave you feeling uncomfortable and making comparisons and seeing shortcomings all night. In those places they exude confidence because they enjoy that - use the same method by choosing a different venue in something you enjoy.

    Take Care

    - Ben
  3. CD110

    CD110 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the encouragement. I guess I'll look for clubs relevant to my interests, see if I can meet people that way. I'm working on shaping up - not entirely sure why, as I'd rather not be liked for my appearance anyway. Maybe it's a way of compensating for everything else. Ah well, can't hurt in general being fit, I suppose.
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Don't confuse being a genuinely humble person with self-depreciation - the two are not the same and shouldn't be welded together. A good definition of humility is: "Confidence, properly placed" - which people can interpret as they will - but it means we do not have to boast or parade our strengths in order to attract relationships - because, if anything that is going to repel anyone worthwhile who isn't going to be in it for the show-off factor.

    A person who is genuinely humble and in love with life and not themselves all the time, is incredibly magnetic. That doesn't mean we don't love ourselves, but there are different meanings and levels to the word 'love' in this context. Soberly, I reckon it means having an honest judgement of our capabilities and what we are able to offer, as well as understanding what we would like and what our needs are without going into fantasies. All the best :)
  5. CD110

    CD110 Well-Known Member

    Most probably a more healthy mindset than my 'hammer any self-esteem into the ground' method. I guess it depends on your perspective - the way you describe it, it doesn't sound either humble or proud by my definition, but rather a moderate and self-honest compromise. The fact is, though, I'm drawn to people who show some kind of vulnerability, for whatever reason I feel more at ease with them. How would that develop in a close relationship? Who knows.

    I agree with not boasting, and trusting in one's qualities to shine through and attract similar people. It's something that's been on my mind - my prospects for finding a partner may be severely diminished by factors outside of my control, but as long as I focus on genuinely being a compassionate, devoted, ethical person, others should take notice. Do well by doing good. Overly idealistic, maybe, but it feels like the correct way to go about it. Certainly more ethical than mindgames and trickery, PUA-style.