About time for me to let this out (Caution:Long)

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Anthony, Aug 28, 2009.

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  1. Anthony

    Anthony Active Member

    I'll be 21 in a couple of weeks. A lot of stuff has happened in the past couple of months, and I've reflected onto my past. I really can't remember too many times when I was really happy. I was miserable, hated pretty much everyone, had maybe 2 friends total, up until I turned 19. I did Pro Wrestling shows at my house, and I met this girl, it was a really bad day, I walked onto my back porch, and she was standing there, and for some reason, my cold, numb heart and soul melted for her. I fell in love instantly, which to be honest scared the hell out of me, I had never felt that before. A few months later, the impossible happened, and we started dating. She moved in, and we got engaged, she was even the one that proposed to me. I was finally happy, truly, I wasn't faking it, I didn't have to, she made everything better. If I was upset, she was there to hold me, good or bad, I always had her to lean on, and she had me.

    Much like normal in my life I ended up having a nervous breakdown for 5 or 6 months, I couldn't afford the medicine to help fix it, so it was just me, and her. She saved my life countless times, even wrestled a knife out of my hands on a couple occasions. I finally got over that, and still had a few problems from it, mostly from fear it would happen again, but for the most part, I was happy again. Well recently she left me, we were going to work it out, or at least try to, but other people got involved, my "friends" turned her against me. Now I have nothing again. The only thing that made me happy, is never coming back and I know it. I'm never going to hear her voice, or feel her touch, be able to wake up next to her and know that everything will be fine, no matter what I have to deal with, just because she was with me.

    I don't think I'm meant to be happy. For some odd reason, it seems that fate, has frowned upon my very existence. Everything I love is taken. And all I'm left with are memories that rip apart my soul. I finally built up the courage, to let someone just have my heart, and I trusted that it would be safe there forever. I was wrong, and I don't know why I didn't see it coming, why did I actually think something like that would last.

    I admit I'm not perfect, and I have a lot of things in my past, that fucked me up, and I'm just not proud of. But why do I deserve this, why does anyone deserve this? My heart is ripped out, I have nothing to look forward to, nothing ever made it ok before, and it's not going to now either. The only thing that can fix me is gone forever.

    I'm to the point now where live or die, I don't really care. I was seriously thinking about just putting a stop to all of this pain, and misery, and unhappiness once and for all, but I don't even feel like I deserve that. It's kinda like I'm staying alive just to torture myself some more.

    Every night, even as I type this, I cry the entire time I'm awake, and away from others, on my knees praying that God will bring my angel back to me. I spend all day telling everyone I'm fine. Pretending to be alright. I can't anymore, because I don't want to lie to me anymore. That girl was my soul mate, and I know it, I feel it, and everyone that knows us said the same thing. People were right about me when they said I was a cold hearted bastard, I never met anyone save for a couple family member, I couldn't just walk away from. Until her. That means something, just like all the other things that pointed to us being made for each other.

    It's gotten worse everyday for a month, to the point that it physically hurts now, instead of just emotionally. I don't have health insurance, or anyway to pay for therapy, or medication. I'm at the end of my rope. I keep telling myself she's coming back, no matter how hard I try to let go, I can't. I try to piss myself off at her, just so it's easier, I can't even be mad. I don't want to live without her, I can't live without her, no matter how stupid that sounds. She was my world, and the only reason I was still on this earth. She was my purpose in life.

    I have no purpose now, I have nothing to live for, I don't want to be on this earth anymore. I don't want to feel anything again. I'm tired of breathing, because every breathe is a reminder of how pathetic, and miserable I am. Every morning I wake up, is another disappointment, that I have to drag myself out of bed, again. Every step I take is one that is unbearable, because I don't want to be alone anymore. Why am I still fucking here? It's like some sort of cruel joke on me. And I know I'll probably fail at ending my own life, just like everything else I do fails. I hate this life now, I don't want it anymore. It's worth nothing to me. It means nothing to me now. I want out, more than anything.

    I don't know what to do. I can't think straight, see straight. I can't even talk right. I don't eat. I rarely sleep. I can't do this. I don't know how to anymore. I can't do it alone, and that's what I am, alone.
  2. Anthony

    Anthony Active Member

    Well, I called a suicide hotline, and they hung up on me. Maybe this is some sort of sign. I didn't even tell them what was wrong. They asked my name, and then hung up because their cellphone rang.
  3. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Well then call again. And keep calling.

    You have your whole life ahead of you!

    And you don't know what is around the corner, even with everything that happened.
  4. Menchi

    Menchi Well-Known Member

    Anthony, you sound exactly like i was around 4 years ago, scarily so in fact. My first proper relationship, it meant everything to me at the time. Fuck, i was going to marry her too, had our whole life planned out together in my head. She was there for me so much, even through the hardest times... then things just suddenly went bad, to the point where she didn't even want to talk to me, and wouldn't tell me why... weeks passed till she went and told me, on MSN of all things, that it was over and she didn't want anything to do with me any more. The worst thing is i never found out why.

    So i will tell you now first, that i know exactly how you are feeling, as my reaction was the same, driven to the point i was going to kill myself over it. So the first thing i will tell you, is that i am still here now, 4 years on. The pain takes a long time to heal; i know thats not what you want to hear, as it hurts so badly, but that pain shows you how important she was to you, but also how deep your own feelings are, and while its a painful thing, its also what will save you. You will move on from this, no matter how painful it feels now, but the part of you that fell in love so deeply is still in you, and thats the part of you which makes your life worth fighting for.

    I got through it by posting on a forum, not this one, but one like it, talking to people, taking each day as it came, and realising that while you may lose one person, there are many more people there who will be there for you, and try to help you if you let them in. This is what SF is here for, and there are many different people who can try to help you through this. Talk to us, use us to be your strength while you are struggling, and slowly let the pain heal. It will take time, but don't give up, i made it through it, so i know that you can make it through it. 4 years on, i'm still fighting, but i've found a new love, new friends, and been able to make a new start in life. I'm sure that in time, you will be able to do the same, and this is from someone who knows the depths of pain you are fighting now. It will get better, you will get through it, and if you ever need anyone to talk to, i will do my best to be there.
  5. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Wow I really do not know what to say as Menchi has said it all so well and much better than I could have.

    I really believe in all that he said, especially how your pain relates to how important she is and how it is what will save you.

    All I can really add is that I am here for you and will try too give the care, love and support you are needing during this time.

    Hugs Bambi
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