About to crumble

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TheGreatBelow, Oct 29, 2009.

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  1. TheGreatBelow

    TheGreatBelow Active Member

    Wow.. I haven't been on here in a while. I'm kinda sorry that I'm back, but here's whats going on...

    Ok. I'm getting kicked out of where I'm living in 2 days. I saw it coming.. this was just a temporary arrangement. But I have no where to go. I always seem to be homeless during the winter, i guess thats just my luck. Ive been homeless quite a bit over the last 6 years, so im kinda used to it i guess, but i know how i get. I dont think i can handle going through it again.

    I have so many horrible painful memories from the last time i didnt have anywhere to go. The only thing i had was my car to live in. The last time was the worst point in my entire life.. I was always harming myself in a few different ways because i couldn't take it. I lost most of my friends because I was pretty mean to them all... even though they were only trying to help. Then on christmas day, the police forced me to go to a psych hospital.

    I dont think i can handle going through this again. I know i cant... it's just too much. It hasn't really hit me that i only have 2 days left until i'm out. No where to go, no money for food, and i dont even have a coat. All i can think about is ways to kill myself.. I know that its the only way out of this. I've attempted before, so i know i will at least try.

    I'm sorry this is so long, but i have alot going through my head right now. I just dont know what to do. I can only see one option to solve all this, and i'm kinda looking forward to it. I can feel the hopelessness and depression building up and i know i'm gonna break really soon. At least when i do go through with it, i'll finally be at peace for once.. it sounds nice
  2. NoGood

    NoGood Well-Known Member

    You must be so strong to have survived homelessness before. Im not going to pretend I know what you are going through, I can only imagine. How did you cope before? Can you draw on any inner strenght this time and try and try to survive again? Do you have your car for this winter?

    Is there anyone you can turn to, parents, siblings? How come you getting kicked out in 2days?

    Sorry, im asking 20million questions. Theres nothing i can offer to help only my shoulder and a listening ear. Im on here ALOT so if you ever need someone im never too far away. I wish I could give you a real hug and tell you everything is going to be ok. x :hug:
  3. TheGreatBelow

    TheGreatBelow Active Member

    I wasn't able to cope too well last time.. I cut, took pills, drink, and told my friends to fuck off. I attempted twice and eventually the police heard about me and took me to a psych hospital christmas morning... I dont think i can do it again. It's too much and i have too many memories from last time.

    also i dont have my car this time.. i have absolutely nothing and no one to turn to. I've already lost most of my friends and family.. no one seems to want to be a part of my life anymore. i dont blame them..

    I'm getting kicked out because the people im living with said they need me out before the holidays. I have no car for shelter, money for food, or anything else... dont even have a coat. So either i die from hunger, exposure to the elements, hypothermia, or i take it into my own hands and just end it. I just wish i had someone here that would actually care about me and help me through this... but everyone is gone
  4. NoGood

    NoGood Well-Known Member

    Im not out on the streets BUT i feel alone aswell. This forum is a crutch for me. I am online everyday for a good part of the day. If I can help you through, I will do my very best. I will be a friend for you through out the holidays. Will that help?

    There are shelters and soup kitchens and people that can help you. Please dont give up. You have made it so far and survived so much.

    What can I do to help???? Im giving you an e-hug right now. :hug:
  5. TheGreatBelow

    TheGreatBelow Active Member

    The thing is.. I really despise the holidays now. its no longer a happy time of year for me. Whenever it gets close to this time of year, i remember that last time i was homeless 2 winters ago. I remember all the pain and sadness. I spent thanksgiving and christmas alone that year... And now that my family and friends are gone, its going to be just like 2 years ago. except that i'm worse off now.. no car or money. I just think ending it soon is the best way to handle this. I cant go through it again, i really cant. Why suffer when i dont have to? And i really dont want to go to shelters or soup kitchens; i dont deserve it. i dont like getting free things. i'm sorry i'm rambling but i cant think straight right now..
  6. NoGood

    NoGood Well-Known Member

    Take a deep breath pet! Just relax. Try and enjoy the next two days. Try and sort out how you are going to survive this winter. Do some searchs and see whats on offer. Send a few emails maybe about your situation. Anything I can do? I wanna help you through this. :)
  7. jeff2674

    jeff2674 Member

    How about going to your family one last time? Let them know that you are extremely depressed and would like to try counseling. I think you realized the way you have treated people and perhaps now is a time to let them know you are sorry.

    You don't have to be alone. This is a choice that you make. You have family there, go to them. They need you more than you realize.
  8. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    What if you offered to help out around the shelters and soup kitchens as a way of repaying for the food and room? It would justify in your mind getting those things, I'm sure the help would be more than appreciated and it would keep you somewhere warm,with other people and occupied (distracted) so that you wont be able to self harm. You might even end up finding out about other alternatives or resources.

    I take it your stay at the pward wasnt pleasant. But it is still another alternative too. Maybe by voluntarily admitting yourself, your family will see that you really do want to change things around. It might be what they need to open their eyes to how desperate things are for you. You have been living by the "shirt on your back" for so long now that they may have just accepted that is who you are. They need a wake up call here. Voluntary admittance means you are not stuck there for a long time. And there too, you might be able to find resources for homing and such. Even being able to just talk to the other patients you might find out about some kind of housing. And if nothing else maybe make a few new friends. Ones that really understand you because they knew what you are going through.

    I know where I live there are shelters for young adults and teens that have run away or have no where else to turn. You can't stay there during the day but it guarantees you a warm safe place to stay at night. It's only temporary but again the staff there are trained to help you find something more permanent.

    I understand the pain of not having a single place left to turn. But maybe instead of trying to find the help and resources on your own, it's time to turn to other professionals to help you. To atleast give you some options that you would never of found on your own. To maybe open a few doors that you could only see as closed on your own.

    Not the greatest solutions but better than what you've got coming up. Please think about them? And you always have here when you need to know someone else understands.
  9. TheGreatBelow

    TheGreatBelow Active Member

    jeff2674 - I can't go back to my family.. they dont want me around. anyway, it turns out my parents moved about an hour drive away without telling me... I know for a fact that they dont want to deal with me anymore. it even seems like my brothers are trying to distance themselves. But that's ok, i dont need family.

    itmahanh - I'm done with my family; I've already accepted that they are gone and that they would rather not be involved in my life anymore. It's not like i'm mad at them for it, i can understand why they feel the way they do.

    I'm going to try my best not to self harm.. well, at least cutting. i dont want any physical evidence that i'm suicidal since that's how they police got me last time.. the worst part of it was that they had to take pictures to document it. it made me feel like shit. what a shitty christmas that was... whatever

    I'm just scared because I only have one day left here. Then I'm out on the street again with nothing to my name. I know how it's going to be. I know how i'm gonna feel, and i know that i'm going to break down really quick. I can honestly say that i would rather be dead then have to go through this again.

    The only good thing is this- with all my friends and family being so detached and distant from me, it makes me feel less guilty about killing myself. its not like they are all there for me and worried about me. no one wants to be in my life. it gives me the freedom to do whatever the hell i want.. I'm just looking forward to finally ending all the pain. its been far too long and i dont know how i'm still here... but soon everything will be ok. and that makes me feel a little better
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