About to off self

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by JGF, Mar 9, 2012.

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  1. JGF

    JGF Well-Known Member

    I think I've finally reached my breaking point. I'm done living my pointless, miserable life.

    I have no friends and haven't dated for five years (And even then I've only briefly dated one girl in my entire life, so I'm a failure at that either way). I'm not good at what I want to do and don't care about what I'm naturally gifted at. I have no income and no method of coping. I hate the world and everything around me.

    I've been seeing different people for almost 20 years, have tried dozens of medicines, and am out of options. I think tomorrow I'm finally going to go through with the plan I've laid out to kill myself.
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You say you have no interest in what you are naturally gifted at, what is that may I ask? Can you turn it into an income?

    Dating is an awful challenge when you are depressed or anxiety-prone. It involves thinking 'I am someone you want to talk to and get to know' but its hard to believe that most of the time.

    What is the root cause of your unhappiness with the world?
  3. Tough times

    Tough times Member

    What is your plan?
  4. distant.road

    distant.road New Member

    I don't think you're a failure... Not at all. The value of life isn't determined by who you date or your income. A lot of life involves learning, being determined, and striving to move forward. There will be many disappointments... and sometimes the rain will pour down heavily. The light will appear. I'm certain that you have accomplishments in life... and they probably don't come to mind when things get very intense. That doesn't take away from them. Think about your achievements and what it's taken to accomplish them... and then think about your hopes and dreams and what it will take to get there. It will take time and effort... but you will get there.
  5. Tough times

    Tough times Member

    I asked you what your plan was because sometimes putting it into language and getting it out of your head helps separate you from it. It helps you see suicide as something that is not you.

    You are not your thoughts.

    It's hard to do when you feel over-whelmed by these thoughts but you have to remind yourself that these are thinking errors. Oddly, thinking errors are our way of wraping a shell aound ourself to keep the pain out.

    Feelings of wanting to die come from being a loving and caring person who doesn't want to hurt anymore. We tend to go to that place where we think dying would be easier than hurting anymore.

    I can't say I have all the answers for you. I do know that being lonely can be painful at times. Being alone is something most of us can handle most of the time. There's a difference between being alone and being lonely though. And hard to remember that both of those conditions do change if you hang in there.

    Being alone just changed for you. You reached out into cyberspace and people on the other side of the world are reaching back to remind you..... you are not alone.

    Be well.
  6. JGF

    JGF Well-Known Member

    mod edit because of methods said here.. jimk

    I don't have any accomplishments or anything to be proud of. I flunked out of college, my whole family's better than me, and I'm just a burden to them that they're constantly worried about. I'll bring misery to them regardless of whether I'm alive or dead.

    My main source of depression is my self-esteem - I've despised myself for my whole life, and refuse to give myself credit for anything because I've always viewed what people see as big accomplishments as insignificant. My head is messed up and refuses to be normal, so I can't keep living.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 10, 2012
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hey, JGF, I'm sorry you're in such deep pain. Lots of people don't go to college or go and flunk out. It doesn't make them failures. Did you enjoy what you studied? Were you depressed at college? These things can influence how well we perform at school. Maybe you were in courses that you didn't like. Was there/is there something else you want(ed) to do?

    Perhaps you could tell us about some things that you have enjoyed doing. Everyone has something that they are good at. Let's find yours and build on that...? :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 10, 2012
  8. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You say your whole family is 'better' than you, in what way are they better?
  9. JGF

    JGF Well-Known Member

    My family is better in that they don't have any mental health issues, lead normal, successful lives and relationships, and don't hate themselves. They're everything I'm not.

    I was miserable in college despite studying what I'm interested in (Film and animation making), because I was terrible at it. Pretty much every other student turned out better work than me. When I screwed up an important class, I suffered a mental breakdown and had to drop out and attend a mental hospital for a month (It didn't help). Since then, I've mostly been at my parent's house accomplishing nothing. I have discovered that I have a natural talent for writing and do freelance articles for some sites every now and then, but it doesn't interest me as much more than a job.

    But really, I'm most depressed about my lack of a social life. I haven't been able to make any friends since dropping out of school, and as mentioned, I've only dated one girl ever, and that was five years ago. I can't figure out how to do it and think I'm better off dead than being alone for the rest of my life.
  10. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    JGF you have a talent for writing, that is great. Practise it, write about what you like - write about film and animation. Make it a project, like a hobby.
    You seem to have low self esteem, how do your family treat you?
  11. JGF

    JGF Well-Known Member

    My family members all love me immensely and have always been concerned for my well-being with the extreme self-loathing and depression I suffer from. They are not part of the problem; it's my fault entirely.
  12. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Yes, or rather the negative thought patterns you have developed. You feel worthless. Have any of the people you have seen done CBT?
  13. JGF

    JGF Well-Known Member

    What's CBT? If it's some sort of brain scan, we've tried that, and I don't think we found anything out of the ordinary.
  14. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    It is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I found it very helpful. You can read about it on the net.
  15. JGF

    JGF Well-Known Member

    So despite changing my medicine again, I've relapsed back into full-time depression and suicide planning. I have no reason to think that things will ever get better for me, so why should I bother trying any more when I could be at peace forever?
  16. Ferg

    Ferg Member

    JGF, I find myself very much in the situation you are in. All I hope for is that you find something that call prevent you from taking the drastic step to end your life. I really, really hope you do.

    You are in control of your own mind and body, we must just take back our control instead of this skewed state taking control over us. I'm not ready to die yet. I hope you're not ready either.
  17. JGF

    JGF Well-Known Member

    So I'm attending meetups, but still not making friends. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I feel like I can't do anything right and should just die. Does anyone know common mistakes made that prevent you from meeting people?
  18. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hun - good that you've taken the step of attending meetups....... I think that one common mistake is actually trying too hard...... please take it easier with your expectations. A lot of frustration at life can be because our expectations are way too high - especially when we compare ourselves with other people and the appearances of what they have achieved.

    It might sound too simple or corny or impossible or futile at the moment - but if you would do you a favour (because you're worth it) of committing to a process of making your mind your best friend, you will be better able to deal with the negative stuff that assaults it. You will learn, with time, that you have the power for time to be on your side for as long as it takes to make this work. When negative "I" thoughts come, that begin with "I am ...... (whatever)" recognise them for what they are and refuse to accept them as an identity.

    We all have to do this to a certain extent; it might sound ridiculous and too hard to do - but medicine often tastes nasty when we were expecting something nice. You have a lovely, supporting family by the sounds of things (I hope I'm not wrong here, please forgive me if I am)....... perhaps just asking them for some more help - I think is very much in order, because if they were to lose you I know they would say "If only we had known......."
    Blessings and strength,
    You Are Precious.
  19. jeg

    jeg Member

    You can be mentally stronger and much more enduring than the rest of your family if your able to rebound from this horrible place your in. Also, I don't believe not having a romantic relationship makes you a failure, I've never been in one and never will be (unless I can find a female version of myself which will be hard because people with my personality wear masks in real life, metaphorically). Plenty of amazing people dropped out of college, did you know Steve Jobs was a drop-out? Besides, college is book smarts, real smarts come from deep emotional experiences and thus expand your capacity to feel for others. And imagine how your family would feel about themselves if they read this forum.
  20. JGF

    JGF Well-Known Member

    I'm not strong in any way, and I've only gotten worse over the years. I don't expect to ever recover in any way.

    My life feels like a complete waste right now. I can't get a job because I have no credentials outside of retail (And no good artwork to get into the industries I'm interested in, because I have no talent), I'm never going to be able to move out of my parent's house, and I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I have no reason to go on, and the only reason I haven't done anything to myself yet is because one of my parents is out of the country on business and I don't want to bring extra stress and money on them and mess up their schedule overseas. When they get back later this week, though, I think it's over for me.
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