Abseiling the darkness..

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Odus, Oct 1, 2014.

  1. Odus

    Odus New Member

    Hi guys, Odus (Callum aka Nuri here).

    Well, what could have been the best year of my life, actually turned out to be the worst. I think trying to kill yourself at least 12~ times in one year, and being hospitalized for four of attempts constitutes the last year ever labelling. All I can hope for is stability, as right now, there is none.

    My depression is worse, so much worse than I could have ever fathomed. I can't see, let alone see straight. Everything is just dark. Any rare shining light causes only anxiety and confusion. I'm autopilot, but the pilot forgot to set the controls.

    What is remarkable however is that I somehow completed my Anthropology foundation course at Durham University, this year. I have no idea how I did it, especially as I only passed by 3 credits. Now here is where I should be excited..

    I got into the first year of Anthropology at Durham University. I start next week. Holy shit, or at least in a sense where there are no visible positives in this bleak veil of depression. This doesn't feel holy at all.

    Every part of my body is burning and aching. I can barely breathe properly as I'm constantly chain smoking, one after the other, after the other.. The only seemingly effective method of relief is cannabis. Here's another problem. Smoking large quantaties of the stuff for a whole year, smoking multiple spliffs everyday from 18 to 19 is likely to have caused some sort of physical dependence - although I can't say for sure. The only thing that I think I can say for sure is that I still love my ex, even if I was the asshole who broke up with her in November last year. Another certaintity is that I know that still *loves* me. I guess three years will do that to ya. Even if your ex-boyfriend was a jerk at times.

    Sorry for the rambling. There's just a lot on my chest, too much on my mind zooming around all the time. I'm currently seeing a psychiatrist for the first time ever, though I'm not able to control myself with the medications that he prescribes. Lets just say that <mod edit- methods>...

    Bah. I'm gonna crawl back to bed, it's half 5, i'm too stoned.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 1, 2014
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Increased anxiety and lack of motivation and confusion are all very common "side effects" of heavy marijuana use, and yes I suspect your dependency on it is well established. They say you cannot become physically addicted to marijuana but if the effect of not using it is you feel like crap I am unsure what the difference is from a practical stand point. I am sure they have addressed that with you in your hospitalizations but i am unsure of what other treatment ideas they might have had. Typically if substance abuse is what the major component is they do not offer a lot of help unless you address that first. If you are willing to consider treatment for that then it is possible you could get some help in a lot of areas (and have a lot fewer areas you need help in anyway). I wish you good luck and strength in your struggle to deal with it.