Absolutely tired.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lordchao, Feb 21, 2007.

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  1. lordchao

    lordchao Member

    A bottle of Welbutrin stares me down as of now. I am so very tired of being like this. I am a morbidly obese, pathological liar that is depressed beyond belief and I simply cannot take it anymore. I feel as if my life goes nowhere and I am stuck living in a hell hole. I can't get a job because I didn't finish college....because I have no money whatsoever to help me with. I made a mortal sin at work saying I had cancer to get some sympathy (I know...I am a total and utter dissapointment). Eventually lost my job by forging a medical paper (I clean medical facilities so I have access to it) and now I am jobless once again, with bills that need to get paid. I live with my parents, and they have at least 3 mortages out so I can totally wipe out college in my future. I've been trying the past several weeks to get a job with NO responses at all. I literally sit on my PC for hours on end taking online quizzes for jobs and NONE have answered. The ones I DO get are ones that either have no base salary or a work-at-home type deal in which you need to add money in order to get money. I don't have that type of money. I'm a hermit crab.....I stay in my room, sleep during the day and clean the medical facilities at night. What should take me 1 - 2 hours to clean takes me 4 - 5 hours. Because I am obese and because I am depressed, I cannot even get the ability to strive and clean the office right. I've put some dents in the walls in the office because I get so fustrated at the littlest things, such as coffee in a garbage can.

    I am sincerely thinking about swallowing these welbutrin pills and just ending it. I do have spirituality and do feel that if I indeed take these pills and pass, that I will be put back into the same situation again when reviewing my life up in heaven. However, I am just simply tired of it all. I am so tired of lieing to people to get attention, I am tired of cleaning these offices (if I dont clean them then I can kiss my house goodbye), and I am sick of being obese and sick like this. Could someone please help me? I am so desperate at this point and I cannot even fathom going to a therapist when they cost so much money. What do I do? Please help me...
  2. Hi LordChao. Is there a medical condition you have which is causing you to be obese? I'm extremely thin due to my health condition, which isn't improving, though perhaps your situation can improve? Perhaps, though I''m not sure.
  3. Viper

    Viper Well-Known Member

    Hi there. Welcome to SF. First off I am obese so I kinda know what thats like. As far as sins go, you dont need to worry because there is no god to "judge" you by although that is interesting that you did that at work. It's not good or bad, just interesting. Do you think you would be good in sales? Back when I was in high school, I used to work for a cell phone company. Damn good money and you obviously dont need a college degree. I was working next to people who did it for a living. Normally this is how it goes:
    hourly (around 7-8 bucks)
    20-30 bucks per phone sold (typical plan)
    plus any extras (vary from job)

    If you combine hourly+plans+extras = HUGE POTENTIAL

    I recommend you look into it. Definitely one of the best jobs to get w/o a college degree.

    As for the lying to get attention, I honestly don't know what to tell you there. I've never experienced it so I can't give advice on it. Personally, I think it's just something that you need to work out yourself, then again theres probably something out there that can help you (nothing costly).

    Hope this helps. PM me if you need anything.
  4. lordchao

    lordchao Member

    Not at all. I am obese because I eat. I eat because I am depressed. It's a rather weird feeling for me. I'll be absolutely full, but feel the need to keep eating because I think to myself that this food will go to waste and that I am wasting hard earned money that my parents made, so I must finish whataver I simply cannot finish.

    Another thing is my father is going through the same deal, minus the lieing aspect. He is morbidly obese and diabetic. He has heart conditions and at this point I don't know when he might just drop dead. Then I honestly wouldn't have a clue on what to do. My mother works a dead-end job making crap money (she had a really good job, lost it...was depressed for about 3 years as well as me, and gained a good one back until 9/11 happened and they laid people off). So she is stuck working almost EVERYDAY and here I am being a hermit crab who cannot find a job sitting in a house I am not helping them pay for.

    I feel so useless at this point. I feel nothing is going to change for me and even when the suicide feelings subside, I have that urge to think about it and it gets me even deeper in depression. I'm so depressed that I would be willing to put up all the rest of my money that I earned before I was let go and buy lotto tickets and see if I can win. I am so desperate at this point....

    Honestly...what do I do? I am so lost.....
  5. lordchao

    lordchao Member

    I have Viper. All the companies you can think of (Verizon, T-mobile...) everything. They never called me back and when I do re-submit on their site it says I already have a submission and I need to wait 6 months to re-submit.

    As far as my lieing goes, it's something that started young because I was CONSTANTLY teased at school that the only thing that worked for me was lieing to people in order for them to like me. I made a huge lie in middle school that stretched to high school. People found out and I became clean about it. I wrote a 2 page paper to all my friends on my lies and what I said that can be cleared up. However I relapsed and told people at my work that I had cancer...why? It's not that a crave attention, but I am so tired of doing so many nice things for people and get crap back in life that I don't know what else to get people's attention. I bought like $400 worth of gifts to my co-workers because I love making others happy. I never put myself into the mix and always put myself behind otherwise I'd feel selfish for buying anything for me. I bought those things for them cause I truly cared. The lieing aspect though is just killing me. I have those 2 voices in my head before I decide and go for it. One saying "Steve you do this you KNOW your going to get caught so don't bother", and the other saying "Steve do this and you'll likely get a good reaction from them". It's moreso like a drug high (not that I know the feeling of a drug high), when I lie to someone like that I feel a rush and a sense of accomplishment. I don't know, it's so complicated at this point. In the sense though, I don't lie to hurt anyone, EVER but myself if found out.

    As far as sales positions goes, I've worked in Macys for a 2 years, worked at Starbucks (where I lied) and clean the medical facilities (ever since I was in 8th grade). I LOVE working with people and customers and co-workers. However, I've put in SO many applications at this point that I give up. People call me but I don't even answer because I'm too depressed to even attempt and ask questions about that job.
  6. Emetic

    Emetic New Member

    I don’t think you’re a bad person for lying about the cancer. While I’ve never lied to that extent, I do understand the desperation and the need for attention. I’m going to take a wild guess here and assume you don’t have anyone to talk to. I think anyone would be tempted to resort to drastic measures in order to feel accepted and cared about. Did you feel like lying about the cancer would give people a more valid reason to feel sorry for you? Did you feel like telling a lie to explain how you feel was easier than telling the truth?

    I know what it’s like to be overweight. Actually, I’m overweight right now. I’ve been fluctuating between 120-203 lbs these last 5 years and if anyone knows how hard it is to lose weight, it’s me. I’ve lost thirty pounds so far. Feel free to PM me or reply here if you want to know how I'm losing the weight.

    And since I don't have a job either (because of my Social Anxiety), I don't think I'm qualified to give you any advice in that area. Have you tried finding a temporary easy-to-get job like McDonalds or Wendy's on the side while filling in applications for places you seriously want to work at? Fast food sucks, but it might be the only alternative for right now, especially if you have bills you need to pay.

    Before you take that bottle of Welbutrin, I want you to answer a few questions. How long has it been since you got laid off? Do you think it's possible to give yourself another month or two of filling out applications and finding another job before you try to kill yourself? How in debt are you? Is there any way for you to go to community college and get a loan somehow?
  7. mike25

    mike25 Well-Known Member

    Things will get better. I wouldn't recommend sales because it's a predominantly looks orientated profession, and obesity doesn't go down well. Sad, but true. You sound very frustrated, and I think frustration often breeds anger. Just take each moment at a time. I also don't think Viper is in a position to make such a sweeping statement like God doesn't exist, and then to deduce that lieing is 'interesting' as opposed to wrong. When people are in extreme circumstances, often out of their control, they do things they wouldn't normally do. Don't be so hard on yourself; you've been going through a really tough time. Sounds like things can only get better. Stay strong.
  8. lordchao

    lordchao Member

    I truly want to say right now that you hit the nail on the head....you pounded the sucker in. I have absolutely no one to speak to is exactly right. The reason I told them I had cancer was because I felt the need to gain their sympathy and to show them I'm not some nobody persay. Attention? Slightly, I was aiming to get them to notice me. I always feel no matter how hard I try doing something truthfully, by working my ass off (excuse the french) and getting absolutely no recognition for it. Why? Because I ALWAYS think of others before me. I'd rather have someone else take the glory, and then I watch myself sink and wonder why in world I didn't speak up.

    Example. Before saying I had 'cancer', I was doing my all time best there. I was doing exactly by every standard and beyond. I wanted and did become involved in the community. However, none of that was recognized by anyone, and even when something was said about my job positivly, I had no positive feedback whatsoever. As soon as I said I had 'cancer', people changed around me. They started to listen to me more. They WANTED to speak to me. It's not that I am unsociable, because I can talk to strangers with ease. But once that lie came out, all of a sudden people wanted to be my friend, and I actually felt good about everything. My life was doing better. Previously I worked at Macys, when I was going through depression over my mothers job-loss and the fact that I had to come home from Rochester Institute of Technology because I didn't have the payments to pay for it. I quit that job because my boss was absolutely a dimwit, and had her favorites there, me being not one of them. So in the 2 years I was unemployed, I fell into a DEEP depression and FINALLY got myself together. How? I got stopped by a police officer for speeding, got a ticket, and realized I REALLY need to get a job because I have not one, but 2 colleges to pay for. I tried going to another college but at the year mark I became depressed and dropped out. So I was paying credit card bills, college loans (4 in total), car payments and insurance. Not to mention I was only cleaning offices at this time. I don't get paid for that as it is a family business, but it did help pay the bills for me. Unfortunetly my parents fell behind leaving me with a credit score of 400 or so. So I got off my ass, filled applications and got the Starbucks job.

    In any case, sorry for rambling off like that. But in those 7 months, I was happy. Not happy about the lie because I desperatly wanted to just say to them I was lieing and get on with my life. But I knew it would demolish my goals, and unfortunetly it did when they went to HR about the medical claim I put in. Sure I could have went to jail or possibly paid a fine, but I was only fired from it. Still, it pains me that I had to make a stupid and idiotic lie to gain someones emotions. Now of course they want nothing to do with me as I believe the store manager told people. So I guess thats why I am just so lonely at this point. Talking to my parents would only make them even worse. So I don't even bother. I came here to these forums because I sincerely needed someone to validate what I think I know about myself. And Emetic, you absolutely hit it. And you have NO IDEA how much I smiled when I saw your response about it.

    Unfortunetly with my weight problems, it's extremely hard in my case. First and foremost: I don't eat any veggies. I cannot stand them, I literally gag and throw up with the touch of it on my tongue. I've tried countless veggies and it doesn't work. My meals are basically this: Hot pockets, pizza, ramen noodles, rice o roni, cola, and candy. I cannot end this cycle, and even so, I can't afford nor my parents at this point since they have ANOTHER loan they put out and now we're so strapped on cash. I tried to get into a gym, unfortunetly I paid for it, and it's still coming out of my account. How many times do I go? Hmm, maybe 4 times in total for the last 6 months.

    As far as jobs go. I need one ASAP. Bills are being piled up. That and I need gas money to go to and coming home to clean the offices. I did so well the past 6 months that I got my credit score to 620. I don't want to end that because I fought for that. I only have so much in the bank at this point to pay for about 2 more months worth of bills, maybe less. Including gas and food and such, probably 1 month till my bank balance is 0. So at this point I really need a job. I know you're gonna kick me in my fanny, but the thought of me going back to square one on a job just makes me even more depressed. I know it's disgusting, but this is how my depression ruins my life. I have the abilities and the references and skills to become something better but no one is biting in the resume world. I think at this point though soon enough I'm gonna have to be depressed about it and work somewhere like that. How much in debt am I....hmm. Well you put in the credit cards, the school loans, about $4000 in debt there. Then you have the montly payments for car insurance, insurance for the medical facilities, car payments, and you have about $2000 a month there. Now you have the mortgage and the other loans my parents are paying off. I'm guessing WELL into the 100,000 - 200,000 range, possibly more. At this point there is NO WAY I can get a co-signer to sign me off for college, not even community. There IS a possibility for community, but I'm frightned that I wouldn't be able to pay it off and worry that my parents have another 10 years taken out of their lives.

    I don't know. At this point right now I feel probaly 60% better speaking about this. I will say that I NEVER EVER spoke or typed (besides the school paper I made) my lies out like this, or even spoke about my depression and suicide attempts. All I really need is guidance, and someone to speak to. You have no idea how much the responses you all are giving me help me, even jiust a little helps. Hey, I had the Welbutrin pills by me, and since speaking on here I took them away hoping that today I'll get a call from a job or maybe something good will happen. Who knows.
  9. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    We all lie...we do this to lessen our shame and get relief from being someone else, if only for a few minutes...we all have body image issues,especially when depressed and isolated...my suggestion is to get out of the house...no matter where you go or what you do...one foot in front of the other and you will get somewhere...what seems is needed (pardon the intrusion) is a sense of self-worth...an affect very hard to find, but one, when held as a truism, can get a person through so much...for me, it was interacting with a person from a place of being genuine...I too was a fraud for so many yrs...lied about most anything...druggie who denied using, thief who was never caught...etc....plez let me know if i can be there for you..please note how honest you have been in this thread...how brave...big hugs
  10. lordchao

    lordchao Member

    It's just that I am so ashamed of what I did that it effects me still.

    I'm kinda in depressed mode now because this one job I went on a interview with (GameStop) last Friday.....I was REALLY hoping I was going to get it. The preliminary interview went well and he said he'd call me this week. Nothing yet. I assume after Monday they don't bother or they found someone better. I'm just upset that I finally had a job I was looking forward for and it's killing me that I have no messages on my phone concering the second interview. Do I call and ask or should I just leave it be and see what happens? I'm so patient with things, and in the past I've been so patient and let down so many times. I honestly don't know what to do now....
  11. lordchao

    lordchao Member

    Now I am so enranged. I'm seriously just thinking about poisoning myself with Carbon Dioxide. I really have no reason to live anymore....
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