Ok... started to post in another topic, but then felt like venting a little more, not sure how well this will go though, I tend to hold back on things like this even when i feel most like letting go. So if you get all the way or part way through this thanks and private messages or talking on msn about any of it could be nice too. Not spoken to many people about this, so I'm not too sure about it, don't really want to go looking stuff up online about it either, prefer not to think about it too much at all. But has anyone else had difficuilties remembering big details about when something like abuse happened? I mean, I didn't start thinking about it till I was 15/16, before that I'd kept it all bottled up and it wasn't until i told someone that it really started to feel real. But I have next to no idea when it happened, I know it happened over a period of time, somewhere between ages of like 9-13ish... I'm really not sure. Just wondered if it was normal to blank out things like that. I remember other things, like what was done... and how I was made to count, using the mississippi thing. Even hearing anyone count like that now makes me shudder and think back. Something that really hurts me more than pretty much anything else though is that I was given money and accepted it, kind of as a way to convince me/ shut me up i think. I can't help but feel like prostitute and even though i try to convince myself i was too young to really know what i was doing.. sometimes i can't believe that. I remember the last time it happened when i threatened to scream and fought for the key... also have vague memories of coming home with marks on my wrists from handcuffs. I think I lied about that at the time... it feels weird thinknig back, like the amount i lied to myself has made the lies feel as true as the actual event. Anyway enough about that, starting to feel kinda sick thinking about it. Ok... so the addiction, well again the holding back thing comes in here, really too embaressed to say what it is.. and now i'm wondering exactly what it was i planned to write, if i didn't plan on telling anyone about it. Basically it's something I've wanted to give up for a long time and can own things that don't help with it, i wonder if i should just throw everything away that could tempt me, but i'm not sure i'm strong enough or what will happen if i do. The annoying thing is how it is so easy to fall back into it and even now i know that i will... I've been with a girl for a few months now and both said that we loved each other. It feels odd though, when i say it, like i'm not sure i can actually feel myself in love with her, it's like i THINK i'm in love with her not that i actually feel it. I know i make her happy and that, that should make me feel happy too, when i'm with her i can just curl up with her and forget my problems but i find that if i'm with anyone i tend to think less about everything that hurts me. Has anyone else worried that perhaps they are emotionally retarded... like their heart and emotions have been broken beyond repair and are now incapiable of love? One more thing I quickly wanted to ask, does anyone else have like weird tendancies to almost, act out, things they are thinking, like fighting or being attacked... or saving someone from something? The strange thing is I can start doing it without even realising it, and do it so often it's kinda concerning me. I've never done it in public, but if i did i think it'd be pretty much considered talking to yourself outloud. Dunno, maybe it's a normal thing... maybe not. I know I said one more thing in the last paragraph, but this is the last paragraph. Had a lot more bottled up inside than I thought... it kinda stems from the being emotionally retarded thing, I'm not sure if killing someone or seeing a dead body would really worry me, or anything gory at all. People say that the idea of disecting would disturb them, or as dentists have to do, use human heads. I'm really not sure it would bother me at all, and watching films like hannibal make me wonder exactly how far I'd have to go before I'd freak myself out. Maybe it's just that I've never experienced it first hand, do you think it takes that to truely know where you'd stand with something like this? Anyway, thank you if you read that, sorry for ranting and if some of it didn't make sense, I tend to just write thoughts like this kinda straight to the page with little editing, or I'd have ended up leaving out a hell of a lot, no matter how stupid it makes me sound. Anyway comment on any or some.. or none of the things I mentioned... I don't mind. Wouldn't unappreciate having someone to talk to about it if someone feels they could help on it at all. If I was going to speak one on one about it though, I'd prefer to have spoken to you on chat, msn or something a bit before, or something.. dunno, might still freeze back up and not talk about any of this even then.. anyway I'll stop talking.