This is my first post here. Short personal background. I'm fifty and am nearly eight years into my second marriage. FWIW, I very been sober for almost 32 years. I was molested from ages 12-16 by a scout leader/ski club owner. I can't really say what, if anything that has to do with my current situation, but mention it for context. I've never been physically abusive in any of my previous relationships. Over the course of my marriage, I have to admit that I've been emotionally and (even more shamefully) physically abusive. My wife has been more than patient and long suffering, but things have reached a point where I can no longer pretend that I'm capable of real change by will power alone. My wife can certainly be very fiesty, but nothing excuses the things I've done that have caused so much long term damage. Things have been calm for about six months, but last night we had an ugly confrontation. I called my therapist and have an appt tomorrow morning to tell her exactly what happened and attempt to begin the process of getting to the roots of why I've become so volatile. I know there are going to be some really unpleasant things I'm going to have to confront if I expect lasting change and real healing in my marriage. Every time I've done anything abusive, I've been overwhelmed with guilt and have resolved to never do it again. Last night convinced me that I really am not in control and that I need help. The things I've said and done have been terribly hurtful to my wife. They've also caused me feelings of hopelessness and despair. I have a strong sense of right and wrong and continuing to fail to do the right thing is a terrible way to live. I'm not sure what, if anything I hope to gain by posting here, but I really need to talk about this and just happened to stumble across this site. Thanks for listening..