Abuse or own teenage mistakes?

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by blackskies, Dec 5, 2010.

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  1. blackskies

    blackskies Member

    At 14/15 I had sex with several men in their 30's and 40's on many occasions, most who I met on a teenage chatroom.
    The main one saying he was my boyfriend. He was very keen on me being in school uniform and very pleased with himself for having sexual intercourse before I turned 15 and still 14.
    I wanted them to spend time with me but they only pushed for the sex.
    I am still struggling to get over it as a 20year woman. I experience flashbacks and have borderline personality disorder.
    I feel guiltily for experiencing flashbacks and my mind telling me I'm a disgusting insult to anyone who was truly been abused. I am really struggling to believe it abuse made worse recently by my CPN calling it 'bad choices'

    I want to know other people's honest thoughts on whether they think this was sexual abuse or whether they agree with my view (and possibly my cpn's) that I was old enough to know what I was doing. As a extra treatment I am having pyscodinamic psychotherapy, which in opening up has become really hard. I have found my CPN's words so hurtful.

    I really need different people honest views and reassurance.
  2. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    At the age of 14, no one really know what they are doing. You were a kid, feeling these feelings for the first time and those sick bastards took advantage. They were in the wrong, and it was obviously illegal, so you are not in the wrong hun. I was abused when I was 16, and even then I had no idea what I was doing really.

    Please don't blame yourself because you were just a kid and those men should of known better. They were obviously desperate and can't get any women; which is NO excuse. I hope they go hell. Please take care

    :hug: xx
  3. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Your CPN is WRONG!!!!!!!!
    Maybe you did 'choose' to have sex with them but it was a choice made when you didn't have the skills, knowledge or experience to make that choice. Those men knew you were a CHILD and they abused you. Can you get a change of cpn? Are there any sexual abuse services near you? You need support from someone who won't blame you.xxx
  4. Joshuwa

    Joshuwa Well-Known Member

    You pretty much said it all, while you're so young your hormones can make you act out on impulse. Sadly, some twisted people take advantage of that.

    You should not regret or feel guilt for it
  5. GreyCat

    GreyCat Well-Known Member

    It was definitely abuse. Your CPN is very wrong. Its illegal to have sex with a minor for a reason. You werent old enough and those guys are predators. Are they still trawling chatrooms looking for young girls? Maybe you could get them in trouble. A forty year old man and a 14 year girl smacks of child abuse to me.
    Dont you feel guilty for calling it abuse, it is. Its so common for a victim to blame themselves. Dont fall into that trap. I wish you the very best with the healing process.
  6. Fabzatron

    Fabzatron New Member

    You were a teenager, and a young teenager at that. They were adults. They were taking advantage of you, and just because you consented at the time doesn't make what they did less sick or wrong. I'm sorry your CPN told you that, because it is definitely NOT your fault and you do NOT have to feel guilty about it. They abused you.
  7. blackskies

    blackskies Member

    I don't know what to do I want to really hurt myself beyond repair. I needed to know this question only has one and not a matter of opinion. I asked this on yahoo answers. I wanted to know what people without issues think I received this reply.

    'Your story seems to tell us that you did this of your own free will. Even from the point of the chat room. You did not HAVE to arrange to meet the men, yet you did. That was the beginning. Now, if none of the men, forced you, hit you, abused you, raped you or anything else then it wasn't sexual abuse, it was indeed "bad choices."

    I don't think there is anything more wrong with your situation other than you made bad choices. All of the men should have been very pleased with having sex with a 14 year old.'

    I don't know how to cope, please someone help
  8. GreyCat

    GreyCat Well-Known Member

    I think the person that wrote That answer does have issues. ITs probably a man who likes having sex with underagers.
    'All of the men should have been very pleased with having sex with a fourteen year old??????"WTF?????
    yeah maybe if theyre pedos!!!

    Listen to what the people on SF have said. any random could answer on yahoo. hugs.D
  9. Pip28

    Pip28 Well-Known Member

    This was in no way your fault, you were so young at the time, there is a reason we have an age limit on consent. What these men did was illegal and they should be punished, please don't blame yourself xx
  10. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    Ok, firstly that reply from yahoo is a load of shit!!

    It is ILLEGAL to have sex with anyone UNDER 16! So how the hell any "man" can enjoy it is beyond me. It is abuse, because of the age you were and the fact you didn't really understand the situation. I can tell you this, it wasn't "bad choices". It was sad lonely, sick men taking advantage of a young kid!!! It is wrong, and I feel so passionate about it too! Please do not blame yourself.

    Yahoo is a crappy hole where the lowest people on the internet "hang out". So pleaseeee do not take what they say to heart. I do understand some of your feelings, and if you need to talk just drop me a PM. I am always here to listen.

    Take care hun :hug: xx
  11. revoltra

    revoltra Well-Known Member

    "In accordance with the FBI definition, statutory rape is characterized as non-forcible sexual intercourse with a person who is younger than the statutory age of consent. The actual ages for these laws vary greatly from state-to-state, as do the punishments for offenders."

    The fact that these men used you like that makes me sick to my stomach. You said it yourself, he was turned on by the fact that you were 14 years old, and had you wear school uniforms??

    Not saying this to upset you, but that IS child molesting. And what they did was against the law. The second they either asked OR agreed to meet you they broke the law. Also note that any sexual contact they might have goven online (verbal, pictures, videos etc) is also a sexual assault as they obviously knew that you were under legal age.

    I would recomend that you talk to someone who specializes in traumas. Hope you get better *hug
  12. Kendle

    Kendle Well-Known Member

    I'm coming late to the conversation, but there is one thing that hasn't been touched on here.

    Older men have more experience. They know what to do to manipulate a young child (and yes, you were a child) to get what they want. It's like asking a high school grad to debate mathematics with a 9th grader...the 9th grader might be able to follow the conversation, but the grad will win hands down. There is NO contest.

    That's why it's illegal. You might feel you made the choice, but you were led to it. Going to the chat room in the first place was a mistake, but it in no way makes you responsible for what happened. The men who used you, went into it with that intention, and did their best to accomplish that. The fact that they succeeded is not a reflection on you; it's a condemnation of their characters, and I would be willing to bet that you were NOT the first one to be treated that way. Men like that have learned what buttons to push in order to get what they want.

    Where were your parents? Were you able to go to them after this happened? Had they ever discussed these types of dangers with you, or given you cause to be able to be open with them?

    You don't need to feel guilty. Let me pose one question....if you knew a girl that was 'dating' that one that called himself your boyfriend (perhaps a niece of yours, or a sister), and she was confused and feeling shame for what was going on, would you blame her? Would you try to help her get away from him, would you go after him for doing this to her, or would you just let it go on because she was 'old enough to make her own decisions'?

    I guess that's more than one question, but my point stands. We're so quick to judge ourselves harshly, more harshly than we would EVER judge someone else in a similar situation. If you want to be angry at someone, be angry at those men; they deserve it a hell of a lot more than you do.
  13. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    Damn, your CPN needs to go and take a refresher course on how to counsel abuse victims! How dreadfully wrong they are.

    Of course you were abused. You were young, impressionable and confused. You were manipulated into having sex with much older men who knew exactly what they were doing.

    No. You are not a disgusting insult. Not at all. These men manipulated you. I do not think at the age it happened that any person has enough emotional maturity to make an informed decision about sex. So although you might say that you knew what you were doing, I say yes, you knew you were having sex, but you were coerced into it. You did not choose to do it of you own free will.

    Please be a little kinder to yourself and keep talking to us. :hug:
  14. jimstewart

    jimstewart New Member

    Be strong ... Be positive ... there are many people who are silently suffering in this world ... you have everything what you need .. make the most out of it ... push your past aside and get started on with your life ... peace , love and happiness ... its your life .. live it !:stars::stars:
  15. Shax

    Shax Banned Member

    The reference to 'bad decisions' by your CPN is nothing more than a generic reply (a response which he can use on all hir clients). This is simply uncaring, laziness and I suggest you find another one, or reproach the one you have and say 'that response you passed the other day was very hurtful, thoughtless, and inconsiderate; I would have preferred you didn't make me feel responsible for what happened. I'd like another response to replace that one with..'.

    As for feeling guilty, and responsible... I feel those as well, for having been through somewhat worse situations. Somehow others always seem more valuable than I do, in my own mind. I know this is false. I think it's out of habit that I relate to others in an imbalanced way.
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