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Abuse, story of my life

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by oxygenidia, Jul 8, 2011.

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  1. oxygenidia

    oxygenidia Well-Known Member

    I am really angry. Why? Because my whole life I have been abused by people. Bullied by classmates and teachers when I was little, later on abused by boyfriends. Taken abuse from the few shitty friends I've had (and only put up with because I was so depressed and withdrawn by then that they were all I had left).

    I used to think there was something wrong with me and somehow my fault that I was being abused. That it was just because I'm "me" and I felt that I was a useless peace of shit pretty much. I guess that is why the abuse has kept occuring, because people could somehow see my low self esteem and they took advantage of that to make themselves feel better.

    As I've gotten older and realized how crappy everyone (invluding my own parents) treated me and my problems, I've gotten really pissed instead. I feel this way because people have made me feel this way. I feel that if I had been treated like a human being I could have felt okey about myself and life, but that's never gonna happen now.

    Seriously, is there a sign on me that says "Please piss and shit on my and treat me like crap! I'm worth it!"?? Or something like that....
    I am a good person. There is no way in hell I have deserved this. I have all of this baggage of feelings that keeps me from ever feeling good, and they are gonna be there for life. I keep thinking; "someone, somewhere, is gonna pay for this". There is no way I'm gonna just kill myself and leave the assholes to keep going about they're happy, blissful, moroic little lives, without ever having to be confronted with what they've done. No, I'm not gonna give them the pleaseure of killing myself. I want to hurt and degrade people like they have hurted and degraded me.

    The funny thing is that people have truly acted like I was a useless piece of shit. Everytime I do something good people are shocked. Like when I got straight A's in school. Everyone acted like this was so strange. "Who knew she was smart? She used to have such problms in school.." Well, yes, since I hated school and were bullied I had problems, not because I was stupid. Or pretty much anything and everything else I've accomplished has been met with big amazement, like; "Wow, she can do that? I thought she was useless".
    So wrong. Aren't you suppose to encourage children and see they're potential? Not put them down and act like they can never accomplish anything and then be stunned when they actually do?

    I'm ust so mad about the treatment I've gotten from people. I really hate people now.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    hi you i know people can be so cruel and your right teachers should encouage children not abuse them verbally make fun of them. I do know it is hard to reach out as i have alot of trust issues too hun. i hate so much sometimes it hurts. I have found though there are kind people in this world look at the people here hun they care I hope you continue to reach out okay and i hope you find kindness hugs
  3. oxygenidia

    oxygenidia Well-Known Member

    thanks for your support. I didn't want to acknowledge that I was abused for a long time, because I hated the idea of being a victim. But I have gotten better at talking about it.
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