abuse?

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Just_visiting, Feb 6, 2007.

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  1. Just_visiting

    Just_visiting Well-Known Member

    I've not been around here much recently but something has happened that i would like some other peoples opinions on. Its hard to explain so i'll start at the very beggining. I was 'abused' when i was a little kid for about 9 years by a family member, and several other men. The abuse finished when i was 15 (3 years ago) and i have just started to get my life back on track. Since the abuse i have had several bad relationships often with abusive men.

    Anyway just over a year and a half ago i got into a relationship with a guy. He was really kind and sweet, he never pressured me into doing anything, never hurt me, always tried to understand me and what i was going through and over all just seemed a good guy. I really liked him but this relationship was probably doomed from the start because i wasnt used to someone being so kind and understanding. It took me a long time to trust him but slowly i began to open up to him about when i was a kid, i told him alot of stuff that i have never told anyone and in return he helped me to work through some of the difficulties that i had.

    Now this is the bit i am confused about and would like some opinions on because i am not sure if this abuse or not. Near the end of the relationships i woke up and he was doing sexual stuff to me (he had his hand down my trousers and up my top) I was a bit freaked out by this so kept my eyes closed and didnt no what to do or say. Then when he stopped i "woke" up and got dressed. Later in the day i bought it up and he said he didnt remember. I was still a bit freaked out (because of when i was little anything sexual is difficult for me) and he decided to leave. Then he came back and said he did remember and he had done it before when i was asleep (he says twice, but i think its more for various reasons). Anyway my question is, is that abuse? I mean i was asleep so didnt have any say in what he was doing. But on the other hand we were in a relationship and it was stuff we had done before. If i had been awake and he'd asked me i probably would have said yes. I just dont no what to think.

    Any opinions or views on this would help because at the moment i'm really confused.
    Thanks
    L1
     
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Well abuse or not it wasn't exactly a decent thing to do now was it!!!!
    Even if you didnt have a history of sexal abuse that could have freaked you out, but with a history of abuse he should have know better than to do that, it could have tipped you right over the edge!!! :mad: :mad:

    Any sexual act without the persons consent is a form of abuse, well thats what I think anyways.
     
  3. Mya

    Mya Well-Known Member

    from what i understand (wich isnt much seeing as im only 14) any sexual act that you didnt say was ok is rape....isnt it? i mean if your asleep then you cant verry well give him promishion...and the fact that you were abused as a child should have let him know....oh i dont know...that thats really not ok....
     
  4. ybt

    ybt Guest

    it's not abuse. maybe indecent, depending on what you think, but it doesn't seem that bad.
     
  5. Just_visiting

    Just_visiting Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your replies everyone. Seems everyone has a different opinion on it. i suppose the actual definition of it doesn't really matter, its more about how it made me feel. If only i new how it did :unsure:

    I'm just so confused. He helped me so much, i grew in cofidence so much when i was with him. Sometimes i actually felt good about myself. And now its like he's pulled all that away. I was wrong nd stupid to think that i could have something better, to think i was worth more than sex. I was an idiot to think someone actually loved me as a person. I have worked so hard the last 3 years to try to make something of myself, to get away from it all. I was stupid to think i cud do it, i should have learnt that by now.

    L1
     
  6. ybt

    ybt Guest

    you know, the problem is that i don't know your situation except through words. this makes suicidal conversation over the internet and over distant spaces exceedingly difficult because often the situation is not properly conveyed

    i don't know. maybe he was sincere, maybe he wasn't. but if he helped you that's always a bonus

    but there will always be people who DO value you as a person and not try to make you conform to their standards. always remember that. and those who you find are trying to take advantage... screw them. well, not literally, you know what i mean. forget it and move on. it can be hard at times but you don't deserve to be treated with disrespect
     
  7. Just_visiting

    Just_visiting Well-Known Member

    Your right ybt about not being able to really no the situation except through words. Its why no one can really understand, although i truly apreciate any one that takes the time to reply and atleast try to help. Theres always little things to that dont get written down to further complicate a situation.

    I dont think u r right that there are always people that do value me as a person. Sometimes it gets to the point where u get so broken, so damaged, so used that you no longer are a person. I doubt anyone can really understand that unless they have been there. When you a moulded by people into something else from a young age then u stay that person. Its like those stories of babies being bought up by wild wolves: that child grows up behaving as a wolf and if people try to then change the child into becoming a person the child becomes very psychologically distressed and will always want to resort back to being that wolf. Its the same, once someone is moulded you cant change into anything else and everyone see's that. I'm not a person to anyone, i have no rights, i dont deserve anything.

    Its strange because in a way life is easier when i'm allowed to be that person. When my last relationship was all good and happy and he treated me right, i couldnt cope. I didnt no how to fit into that. I didnt no how to b a normal person in a normal relationship. But now everything has gotten all confused and messed up its easier to understand, sure it hurts alot more, but thats what i am used to i suppose :unsure:

    Sorry i am just rambling on
    Take care
    L1
     
  8. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    I think I know how you feel because I feel that way about myself a lot of the time. And I certainly know how what you're describing works in practice because I've seen it happen with my mum. Abusive relationship after abusive relationship.

    However, you say:

    I'm not a person to anyone, i have no rights, i dont deserve anything.

    And I disagree with that. You are a person to me, and of course you have rights, and you deserve to be loved and respected and happy. I'm sure lots of people agree with me. People like you and I are victims because we allow ourselves to be. I don't mean to say that we make a conscious decision, or that it's our fault, but it's true what you say about almost wanting things to screw up. We expect to be treated badly and so that's often what we get. But it doesn't have to be a life sentence.

    I've been physically and emotionally abused for most of my life, and I was sexually abused as well. Not for nearly as long as you were so I don't mean to equate my experience with yours, but the damage done was immense.

    It might even be sort of hypocritical of me writing this, because I do feel like my life is fucked forever. I have come so close to killing myself over these last couple of weeks. But then I guess that's the point. I haven't done it. So on some level I must have some hope left.

    With regards to what that boyfriend did to you, it was wrong. It wouldn't legally be considered abuse or assault, but it was wrong because he knew about your history of abuse. Even without that it would be a very weird thing to do to someone! And given that he knew it was very inconsiderate of him at best. I'm sorry he didn't turn out to be as perfect as you thought he was. No matter how much more accustomed you are to being treated badly, I know it must really hurt you. :hug:

    Now I am rambling, so I will shut up. This post is far too long isn't it.

    Just know that I'm here for you if you want to talk. And I mean that, it isn't a half-hearted comment. I want to help you, if I can. :arms:

    Take care,

    ~Nobody~
     
  9. Just_visiting

    Just_visiting Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the kind words ~Nobody~
    L1
     
  10. gannon

    gannon Member

    No what he did to you was abuse. It's not the intent, it's the impact. That is not the way a true gentleman would conduct himself, and with his foresight of what you told him should of made himself be extra carefully with your trust and your emotions.
     
  11. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    In my opinion it comes down to whether he intended to wake you up or not. In my experience it can be quite enjoyable to be woken up in a sexual way (and I'm speaking as someone with a history of abuse as well). However if he was deliberately trying not to wake you up, it does seem like he was trying to take something from you without your consent, which is not on. And unfortunately from what you said it does sound like the latter. I doubt he deliberately meant to hurt you like this, but he should have thought through the consequences of his actions a bit more carefully. You have an absolute right to be upset and angry with him.
     
  12. Just_visiting

    Just_visiting Well-Known Member

    this is probably just another pointless post but its all bubbling inside me and i need somewhere to get it all out.

    First thanks to everyone thats replied, it means alot when there are so many people that need help here.

    Mal maybe u r right that i should be upset and angry with him, but it feels so much more than that. It would b easy if i just hated him but its more than that. It must seem pathetic to anyone reading this that something so small is becoming such a big deal to me but i cant help it. It feels like my whole world is crumbling around me. I'm so confused and lost.

    I tried to talk to him about it cos i just want to b able to understand. And i suppose, in the past he was the one to make things ok and i need someone to do that again. He says he didnt realise it would do som much harm. He said "i thought u would just hate me and move on". How can he understand so little?! I thought he atleast had some idea what the past was like for me and how hard it is to cope, without him adding to all that. Maybe i just got it very wrong, i expected to much.

    It feels like he dug a hole, pushed me in and now is content on continuing to dig it deeper for me. I just dont no how to cope with this on my own

    L1
     
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