Abuse?

[Kathy]

Well i'm wondering if this is emotional abuse or not. At the start it isn't, further down is where i'm asking so please carry on reading it all...

Yesterday once I got in the car from school my mum started telling me how down I was making her what with my suicide attempts, self harm and running away. She was asking me for reassurance. I didn't really know what she wanted me to say. As most of these conversations, it ended in an arguement. She kept asking me if it was her fault. I'd never blame her, although i know my distance from her caused some of it. She kept shouting at me and I finally said (in these exact words) "We're not as close as some mum's and daughters but that's just the way it is sometimes. I know I pushed you away but I don't know why. I know it's my fault". Then I went out to get away.

Later when my dad came home, he came straight up to my room and said "i'm so ashamed of you. I hope you're ashamed of yourself, i've had your mother sobbing on the phone to me after you said that. How could you be so unfeeling. I have to get out of here before I really lose my temper with you". Later when I went downstairs my little sister tried to hug me and my dad told her to leave me alone and ignore me. That part really upset me. He's trying to isolate me. None of my family are really talking to me now. Apart from my sister. No more than they have to anyway.

Is this emotional abuse? I wouldn't mind it so much but I really don't think I did anything wrong... Thanks for any replies.

 

[oval]

wow thats so fucked up. i really dont know what to say and please excuse my useless post but thats just really messed up. i say, yes it is emotional abuse. theyre isolating you and want you to feel guilty for something that is not your fault.
they dont know how to handle the situation and dont seem to consider how you feel. i dont understand how they can act like this though. im sorry you have to put up with this kathy. really am

 

[In Limbo]

This to me does not strike me as emotional abuse...at least not in real terms.

I say this because your father is trying to deal with your depression in a rational manner - in this case through punishment of what he sees as an 'incorrect', for want of a better term, act. What you need to help them understand is that depression is irrational and that sometimes what is logical to us, is inexplicable to those outside of our heads...

I can understand how they can act like this, my father and I had a very strained relationship for long periods because he was angry out of fear, regret and frustration - the reaction you describe does not mean that he does not love or want to help you. I'd say it's more down to the fact that it is difficult for him to know how...

 

[Terry]

As a mum I can see exactly what she was doing.
Your mother feels guilt and blame for your state of mind.
Regardless of whether it has anything to do with her, the mum hormone makes it somehow her fault.
Dad has obviously taken her side in all things, this maybe down to him just wanting a quiet life, men usually don't do scenes.

I suggest you let it all calm down, then find a neutral place; cafe or such like...but make it public so you can't end up in another slanging match, and really have an honest talk with your mum.
Explain to her that getting upset isnt helping the situation and running to dad is just making bad worse.
If she's any kind of mum she should appreciate your honesty, even if it hurts, and hopefully will stop apportioning blame for the fact you aren't happy.

I notice you mention running away, was this because of their pressure on you or has something happened at home that you want to run away from, a memory perhaps?

 

[Kathy]

Thank you everybody for your replies.

Chris that would make sense. I guess emotions are just running pretty high in my house at the moment.

Terry- I have a problem with running away totally on impulse. It started after I was hospitalised for a suicide attempt. In the hospital me and my mum had an arguement and I ran away. Since then it's been my sort of... first defence against situations I don't want to be in. I don't usually think about it until after i've done it.

We had another "talk" this morning. My dad admitted he over reacted to the situation and that he was wrong to do what he did. We had a long talk about stuff and the finally realised that I am trying, and they said they'd try to. They said there issue was that they think I don't care that i've hurt them. If only they knew how guilty it made me feel :/ I guess i'm just too good at showing nothing but happiness to everyone else.

Again, thanks for your replies everybody It's really good to get others peoples opinions on situations

 

[Oloriel]

I know the feeling - parents can be so anxious to help their suicidal child but at a loss at how to do it, and often they just try to directly intervene. My mom often tries to ask me if I think she was the cause of my suicidality, but I always kind of hedge the question - she's definitely part of it, but I could never say that to her. My mask of pretend happiness gets me in trouble too. :/

I wouldn't call it abuse, since as others have said, they're just as confused as you and they don't know how to deal with it. Sometimes they screw up. I will say that what your dad did WAS kinda messed up, but he seems to understand that it was an overreaction. As frustrating as parents can be - both yours and mine, sister - we're lucky that they're only hurting us because they love us and really want to help, rather than really wanting to cause us more pain. I guess we just have to try to talk to them and work with them so they can help us as best they can.

I'm a bit of a hypocrite in this situation - I avoid conflict and discussion with my parents like the plague - but I know what it's like to feel trapped by parents who want to help, and end up making us hurt.