One of the things which is bothers me throughout is the sexual abuse I had from my grandfather from birth through to 13 years old. But was it really abuse when a lot of the time I think I facilitated it, and could have said something but never did. I hate myself so much now that it is really all consuming. I wrote some thoughts about this ....
No one who has not been through abuse realises that it is our fault. It was my own fault, so i must be inherently bad. People who have not been abused can sit and say ... You are a victim etc. But I know that this is not the case. I think therapy has got it wring and instead of trying to make me realise it was not my fault I should use it to come to terms with why I followed that path. And this applies to all aspects of things. It is my fault. I could have chosen a different path but didn't. Why? And this just lends justice to opting out so I can break the destructive cycle that is Me.
Obviously what I want to be told is that it was not my fault ... But this has never helped. I can see no other way forward other that suicide ... It's just when and how that needs sorting now.*
Does these thoughts ring true for anyone? How the hell can I deal with this? And this is only one aspect of growing up that causes my self hatred and destructive thoughts.
No one who has not been through abuse realises that it is our fault. It was my own fault, so i must be inherently bad. People who have not been abused can sit and say ... You are a victim etc. But I know that this is not the case. I think therapy has got it wring and instead of trying to make me realise it was not my fault I should use it to come to terms with why I followed that path. And this applies to all aspects of things. It is my fault. I could have chosen a different path but didn't. Why? And this just lends justice to opting out so I can break the destructive cycle that is Me.
Obviously what I want to be told is that it was not my fault ... But this has never helped. I can see no other way forward other that suicide ... It's just when and how that needs sorting now.*
Does these thoughts ring true for anyone? How the hell can I deal with this? And this is only one aspect of growing up that causes my self hatred and destructive thoughts.