Abused by my grandfather??

[Florence]

One of the things which is bothers me throughout is the sexual abuse I had from my grandfather from birth through to 13 years old. But was it really abuse when a lot of the time I think I facilitated it, and could have said something but never did. I hate myself so much now that it is really all consuming. I wrote some thoughts about this ....

No one who has not been through abuse realises that it is our fault. It was my own fault, so i must be inherently bad. People who have not been abused can sit and say ... You are a victim etc. But I know that this is not the case. I think therapy has got it wring and instead of trying to make me realise it was not my fault I should use it to come to terms with why I followed that path. And this applies to all aspects of things. It is my fault. I could have chosen a different path but didn't. Why? And this just lends justice to opting out so I can break the destructive cycle that is Me.

Obviously what I want to be told is that it was not my fault ... But this has never helped. I can see no other way forward other that suicide ... It's just when and how that needs sorting now.*

Does these thoughts ring true for anyone? How the hell can I deal with this? And this is only one aspect of growing up that causes my self hatred and destructive thoughts.

 

[Florence]

Re reading my thoughts ... That I wrote down a couple of weeks ago, the how is now sorted. I think the when won't be long.

 

[me myself and i]

I try to forgive, both myself and him
I try to understand that there were probably reasons, perhaps problems in his past.
I know deep down, if i dont do this, then i will never let go.
It can never be your fault, a child will follow a grown up, and even start believing that they actually enjoy something that they dont, to kid themselves and to kid the adult, children and us adults crave love.
Mistakes can be made easily, there can be many reasons but no excuses.
The acts can never be forgiven, but a person can be. To be able to let go and fill your heart with good emotions instead of holding onto the bitterness, anger and self hate is the hardest thing, but the rewards are endless.
I have made mistakes too, still do, im glad i always have another day to try to get it right.
I so wish you well and i send a lot of love to you.

 

[dazzle11215]

i speak as someone who was also sexually abused as a child

it is most definitely not your fault.

doesn't matter if you enjoyed it (i sometimes did, i even had orgasms), doesn't matter if you initiated it (there were times i also did that too). the fact is you were a child. you cannot give consent. your trust was betrayed by an adult, by someone who used you for his own selfish reasons. it was a big mind fuck. you didn't have a chance.

it is tragic that this had led you to suicide. i hope you won't go through with it but that you will let your therapist know that you are struggling so badly.

we shouldn't lose a single person more. keep going to therapy. it does get better. you *can* heal from this. it's slow and it's hard but it's so, so worth it.

hugs,

c.

 

[Florence]

Thanks dazzle. Your reply helps a bit. Will try to talk to my counsellor about it but I find it so hard, am so ashamed.

 

[dazzle11215]

i know what it's like to feel ashamed. there are times i can't look my therapist in the eye. we were talking about the abuse once and she asked if i had an orgasm (who knows where she came up with that question...) and i seriously wished for the floor to open up and swallow me whole. i stared at the carpet, turned bright red, and whispered yes. she explained that it's all about the body. if you are touched a certain way, even when being violated, your body will respond. you really can't control it. i believe her.

i have pledged to keep no secrets from my therapist. i even told her my sexual fantasies (which as you might imagine are quite horrible seeing as i was abused my entire childhood). now that was a difficult conversation.

once i say it out loud we do the work of talking about it. like i said it's hard but worth it. i believe in you. if you like your therapist keep trying to open up. if you need write it down ahead of time and read it out to her, then discuss it after.

good luck!

 

[Terry]

Right you! in no way are you to blame for this perverts' actions!
I too was abused by a grandfather, I too took on the guilt instead of putting it where it belonged.
I didnt tell anyone for years and it festered like a boil colouring every aspect of my life.
Happily I had a wonderful therapist who helped me see that no way could a small child "ask for it"
The shame is not yours, you couldnt fight back and shame on this man for what he's done!

 

[Florence]

I had orgasms. I encouraged it at times. I remember one time when he touched me intimately in every way and my dad was in the same room reading the paper and never knew!!
I never made the connection between the abuse and my sexual desires which can be very extreme. I do remember begging to be hurt at the height of sex once which kind of ruined the moment but was from my gut at the time. Hurt me I said and got the response no, you don't need to be hurt ... And I felt so ashamed again and almost like a child coz it had just slipped out, I hadn't even realised that was what I wanted.
I am not sure I can tell my therapist everything, but will try I think.

Thanks for replies guys and for understanding.

 

[dazzle11215]

my therapist explained to me that pain and pleasure get confused in kids that are sexually abused. it has to do with our neurons being overstimulated. the abuse does that. our bodies are not ready to be turned on sexually, but someone flipped that switch in us and in doing so overwhelmed the system. the neural pathways are similar. pain, pleasure, fear, arousal got all mixed up. through therapy we can start to "rewire" ourselves, although it takes alot of hard work. i think talking to your therapist about all of it is a great idea. start small and as you build confidence tell her more. i hope she will help you deal with the abuse and it's aftermath. i was into s/m for 15 years and even though i'm not doing it anymore i still have masochistic fantasies, so i feel i know all about having some wires crossed. it does get better, i promise.

 

[Florence]

Just feel so fucked up in my head i just find it so hard to go on. My childhood was kind of insecure due to my mums erratic behaviour and the constant fights and tensions between her and my dad. It has left me feeling like I just can't get out of this despair.
I am pretty near the edge right now and my doctor did mention calling in the crisis team but decided not yet as I was coping with so much. So I am away for a few days break with husband and 2 friends and my girlfriend said to me that she thinks I am not that bad coz I can laugh and smile and seem relaxed ... But it is an act, a front, and one I have done and managed for so long that it is second nature to me ... No one has ever been able to see the real me!! But instead of bring honest and explaining this I smiled. Agreed and felt even worse. It's all a viscous circle.
It all just needs to stop. I need to stop talking and thinking about it and just get on with it. But then I think, ok give the meds a chance? But really I know nothing helps.
Oh yeah ... And one therapist I trusted and told about my grandad in some detail ended up having sex with me!!! And then used what I had told him to control me!! Again my fault ... Just can't help myself.

 

[Florence]

I have done S/M a lot but in my head the fantasies are more extreme. Fear turns me on. Never really made the connection before!

 

[Terry]

For the love of GOD!!!! report this therapist!!!!!!

You know what, I used to attract abusers like a fecking magnet.
I think that when you are abused as a child you take on a kind of victim personna and abusers home in on it.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!You have learnt behaviour and a victims attitude.

OMG am still fuming at the abusive therapist....pardon my french but WHAT A BASTARD!!!!

Will post more when I've calmed down GRRRRRRRR!!!!!

 

[Florence]

Terry it's ok and a little more complicated than I stated. For example he was a hypnotherapist I met on a university week away (part time distance learning degree I did whilst having my kids) and he offered me therapy but it was a private arrangement as a friend and I never paid him anything. He would then offer to massage me to relax me and we did that on my bed, week by week with fewer clothes and I knew what was happening but I welcomed and encouraged it. Eventually we had a whirlwind affair but he continued the "therapy" throughout too. he was very controlling and he pulled all the strings ... When we would meet, for how long, when and how we would talk. He did some lovely sweet stuff for me too. Then I wised up a bit and decided to end it and he used everything I had told him to try to manipulate me into staying, including writing to me and telling me that he had attempted suicide but been found in time. Eventually, with the help of a friend, I manGed to get him to stop contact but that period I remember was like a hell .. Thank god my mate was there to help me (one time I hid a few streets away and she kept a lookout till he had gone). He even tried using the hypnosis at this time to change my mind, and yes he did have sex withme while I was hypnotised. I was not hypnotised like the tv people, it was more like deep relaxation and I am sure could rouse from it independently if i needed to. It was some years ago now and would be his word against mine, and as there was no payment or proper arrangement I would be hard pressed to do anything about it. It didn't bother me at the time, it bothers me more now.
Does that explanation help? Make sense?

 

[dazzle11215]

even if you don't report him (which you could, absolutely), it was still a big violation of trust. what a jerk. do you like your current therapist?

 

[Florence]

He is good, and I am sure won't shag me!!! Am getting to trust him ... Feel lime his room Is a little safe santuaty xxx

 

[icequeen]

omg..your therapist having sex with you?? THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! he/she breached every ounce of trust you should have had in them...they took your
vulnerability and used it to their advantage. please please do not blame yourself...firstly you were a child...and being abused from birth by your grandfather would almost make it seem normal to you...until you realised it wasnt...but how the hell were you supposed to know, and as for the therapist if he has done it to you you can be sure he has done it to others...and he should be reported.

through unrelated therapy i have had stuff surface i would rather forget...but whilst i felt dirty and ashamed, i realise it wasnt my fault and i didnt
bring it on myself, and this is what you need to do, you deserve so much better, all you are guilty of is blaming yourself for something you couldnt control. i hope you find some peace :hugtackles:

 

[Terry]

Ok have got passed the need to kick someone's head in :laugh:

So you've been a bit promiscuous....what a surprise :dry:
Did you know abused children either become promiscuous or completely eschew sex?
Again, how is this your fault? You were introduced to the adult world when way too young to know or understand it.
So you had enjoyable moments from it, but if its taking you down a dark path of needing pain to enjoy sex then you can see how its twisted your perceptions.
Oddly enough I too had s/m fantasies, and put it down to the mixed message of fear and pleasure that was given to me as a child.
You are NOT TO BLAME, the guilt will only act like a corrosive acid in your life.
Put it where it belongs, on the perpetrator.
And if its left you a little kinky as an adult, SO BLOODY WHAT!

 

[Florence]

I got near to telling my therapist about the stuff in detail. It was near the end of the session so I said I needed to talk more but not today ... One for next time. I think it will be hard but have paved the way somewhat so hoping that will help. Funny how when you talk different memories arise .. Tonight remembered my nan telling me to go see my grandad, sit on his lap etc ... She knew and encouraged it ... No wonder I thought it was normal, but ad I knew none of the other men in my family did that to me I must also of known it was wrong? What a head fuck ... No wonder I am so fucked up inside now!!!

 

[bonobo:)]

I was also sexually abused by my grandfather over a number of years. After 25 years of blaming myself I've recently found out it was not my fault. No-one had ever told me about abuse, I was told to respect authority and do whatever I was told so I did. It wasn't until several years into the abuse that I realised that it wasn't normal, then it was when a neighbour saw us kissing down an alley and then the way I was spoken to made me feel like an idiot & like i'd let my mum down. He messed with my head in a number of ways including offering me £1 to 'kiss my bum' the first time he touched me without clothes, making me think it was my fault cos it started cos of my greed, to repeatedly talking about 'our relationship' as if I we had both chosen to be together/I had led him on as I'd once asked him for a goodbye kiss at the schoolgates like I'd always had from my mum. I had lots of other crap in my childhood too teaching me false messages. He was an abuser, my parents failed to protect me, he chose to abuse me and it was not my fault. It is not yours either. Please talk through the reasons you think it is your fault, it really helps you see it from another viewpoint.

 

[lancashirelass]

I was abused by my biological father and it took me a while to realise it was not my fault. You were young and he was taking advantage of his position don't ever think it was your fault it most definetly wasn't your fault. Once you realise that you will be able to deal with things better i know i have. I am here if you ever want to talk s*