One of the things which is bothers me throughout is the sexual abuse I had from my grandfather from birth through to 13 years old. But was it really abuse when a lot of the time I think I facilitated it, and could have said something but never did. I hate myself so much now that it is really all consuming. I wrote some thoughts about this .... No one who has not been through abuse realises that it is our fault. It was my own fault, so i must be inherently bad. People who have not been abused can sit and say ... You are a victim etc. But I know that this is not the case. I think therapy has got it wring and instead of trying to make me realise it was not my fault I should use it to come to terms with why I followed that path. And this applies to all aspects of things. It is my fault. I could have chosen a different path but didn't. Why? And this just lends justice to opting out so I can break the destructive cycle that is Me. Obviously what I want to be told is that it was not my fault ... But this has never helped. I can see no other way forward other that suicide ... It's just when and how that needs sorting now.* Does these thoughts ring true for anyone? How the hell can I deal with this? And this is only one aspect of growing up that causes my self hatred and destructive thoughts.