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Abused by my grandfather??

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Julia-C

Well-Known Member
#21
One of the things which is bothers me throughout is the sexual abuse I had from my grandfather from birth through to 13 years old. But was it really abuse when a lot of the time I think I facilitated it, and could have said something but never did. I hate myself so much now that it is really all consuming. I wrote some thoughts about this ....
It's easy to blame ourselves, and much easier then it is to accept that the perpetrator who is usually a family member has a serious problem. You were thirteen years old, he was the adult. All the fault lies with him.

No one who has not been through abuse realises that it is our fault. It was my own fault, so i must be inherently bad. People who have not been abused can sit and say ... You are a victim etc. But I know that this is not the case. I think therapy has got it wring and instead of trying to make me realise it was not my fault I should use it to come to terms with why I followed that path. And this applies to all aspects of things. It is my fault. I could have chosen a different path but didn't. Why? And this just lends justice to opting out so I can break the destructive cycle that is Me.
The abused aren't the victim, it only feels that way. It wasn't your fault, and no one is inherently bad. People who have not been a abused can easily default to saying that the abused is the victim. You have to trust the methods used in therapy. You could have been running around naked in front of your abuser begging for them to abuse you and because you were a minor you are faultless. Your abuser was the adult, not you.

Obviously what I want to be told is that it was not my fault ... But this has never helped. I can see no other way forward other that suicide ... It's just when and how that needs sorting now.*
Suicide is never the answer. There s a major flaw in the whole premise of suicide. The potential suicide victim contemplates suicide in hopes that it will bring peace. Well the fact is no one knows for sure what awaits us after death. There are many beliefs on this subject, many of which are religious based; still no one knows. To me it simply isn't worth the risk of the unknown. How terrible would it be to kill yourself in an attempt to bring your suffering to an end just to then be put into another form of existence which is far worse.

Does these thoughts ring true for anyone? How the hell can I deal with this? And this is only one aspect of growing up that causes my self hatred and destructive thoughts.
Nearly all VICTIMS of abuse feel similarly, especially if they were abused sexually. You deal with it by listening to your therapist and talking to people who understand the chaos going on in your head because they have experienced a similar abuse. Self hatred is easy, placing blame where blame is due isn't. It takes along time and constantly needs work but you can learn to cope with it.
Always feel free to PM me if you need to talk on on one.
 
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