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abusive fathers

Discussion in 'Domestic Abuse' started by needhelp, Oct 30, 2006.

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  1. needhelp

    needhelp Guest

    I guess this is more for the girls. For those of you that have had abusive fathers, have you found yourselves to be attracted to abusive men in relationships? If so, why? Is there any reason for it? I guess I just don't understand why anyone would want that. I'm trying to figure out a friend of mine. Thanks for any answers.
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Ok, my father wasn't abusive, but I've dealt with abusive fathers and read a great deal on the matter.

    Seems we are attracted to what we understand and know. It all has to do with learnt patterns. In battered wives homes they found the boys would become batterers and the girls picked men just like dear old dad.
    Learnt pattern behaviour. What we know is what we feel safe with.

    I know it seems really odd and that they would run a mile from these kind of men, but statistics show different.

    She needs to recognise what is going on here and (maybe with the help of counselling) break the pattern before she too ends up in a battered wives refuge.

    Hope this helps.
  3. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    My real father was abusive to my brother but my parents got divorced when I was around 5 but separated when I was about 4. My step father found my mother soon after, we moved around a lot, because he was wanted. He was verbally and physically and emotionally abusive and around 7 years old he started sexually abusing me too, he did speed and all kinds of drugs I hated him and wanted to be NOTHING like him. But when I got older I started doing drugs and getting with abusive men.....but most of them were like the worlds "class clowns"....most of them did drugs and had lots of records with the law.

    I got married when I was 19, and my husband wasn't abusive until just a matter of days......and yada yada...he was abusive and I am getting divorced.....gotta go I might add on to this later.

  4. IBaNdMe

    IBaNdMe Member

    My father was extremely abusive when he was drunk. Remember the days that he would beat us physically and verbally. Abuse comes in all shapes and forms. I believe that we tend to seek out what we know. For years, my abuse went on. Honestly, it was a way of life for our household. Only when my father past away did the abuse finally stop. My mother is extremely loving and caring would not lay a hand on us.

    In my adult years, getting involved with someone I sought out an abusive partner. It was not intentional but it happened. Abuse both physical and mental stated again in my adult years. It took me 9 years to realize that I was worth more than that and had to get out before my partner killed me.

    Why did I seek an abusive partner? I really could not answer that. The only answer I can come up with is that abuse is all I knew. We tend to flock to what we know. It certainly was something I said to myself I HAD TO HAVE. lol

  5. I think that fundamentally what happens is that women want a husband to replace their father (and similarly men want a wife to replace their mother)
    This attraction takes precedence over other factors which are rationally seen to be more important, but since it originates from a more primitive (animal) unconscious level of the mind there isn't much control over it (at least initially) so people just follow this attraction straight into suffering.
  6. Syd

    Syd Guest

    It reminds us of childhood in a way, and we generally associate childhood with a naive time when life was easier and more enjoyable. Many of us want to re-live that childhood in a way, whether the memories were painful or pleasant. Also, anger, strong emotion, and conflict are desirable (on a subconscious level) not for the drama itself, but for the period of love and bonding that occurs after those periods of conflict. However, most healthy people who were not raised in such environments prefer only much milder forms of conflict to balance their pleasure, whereas others simply become addicted to the thrill of aggression.
  7. needhelp

    needhelp Guest

    Thanks for all the answers everybody. Interesting stuff. It would kill me to see my friend end up with some abusive jerk. She seems to think that she deserves to be abused, her father has told her this too. She also seems to think that all men are naturally abusive, despite my best efforts to convince her otherwise. Anyways, thanks for the help.
  8. crazy

    crazy Well-Known Member

    the guy i thought to be my father was very abusive, as has been my grandfather. I have had an abusive fience. whenever anyone does anythign that is considered abusive (physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually) now I feel as if i deserve it and think nothing else of it
  9. Darken

    Darken Well-Known Member

    Another good example of why I have no faith in good relationships.
  10. the only thing you have a chance of controlling is yourself, you have no control over the other person so the best way to enter into a relationship is to drop away your expectations, judgements, opinions, etc... and operate from unconditional acceptance.

    you don't really need to have expectations about how other ppl should or shouldn't be, it's enough to just control your own behaviour towards others (be strict with yourself) but don't expect anything at all in return.
  11. immure

    immure Account Closed

    sometimes violence is a symptom of a illness and it has little too do with patterns. my dad never laid a hand on me but i can t say that for my men. i was not satracted to the "cycle " thing
    it was when they where up i met them and thought the world of them
    so there r exceptions. not everthing can be defined with explenation
  12. fae8002003

    fae8002003 Guest

    I, being a lesbian, didn't go in that direction. I just kind of looked for significant others who would be rough with me during sexual acts. Strange, but true.
  13. blankita5661

    blankita5661 Guest

    My father was never in my life. i only seen him 1 time a year and if i was lucky every year
    he treated me like i was nothing
    well when i was in the 7th grade he stabbed himself across the chest and he was living off of machines for 9 days until they decided to take him off the machines.
    Ever since then I always wanted a boyfriend that would beat me or abuse me....i really done even know why, i THINK its because i want a man that can tell me what to do and when to do it, so it can replace my fathers place....its so comlpicated and i dont know why i want my relationships to be like that..please help me out here
  14. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    hmm dunno but then im scared of relationships. scared of guys in general too to be honest. sorry if that seems harsh but then again the only ones i have got "close" to for want of another expression havent been too nice..maybe there is something in that. but then maybe its not that the girls actively seek abusive partners..but that the abusive partners can sense something in the girl/seek them out? i dunno im prob not making a whole lot of sense..twas just a random thought..
  15. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    ive changed my mind. it is our fault.
  16. *shifty eyes*

    *shifty eyes* Active Member

    My vati is quite abusive, an so is my mother at times. My current boyfriend is very very caring. I've heard that if you get him mad (mainly only one guy does that thugh) he can get violent. I have messed up severly around him, such as I kinda cheated on him, and other bad stuff. but he's never gotten mad, the way he gets rid of his anger is to tickle me until we're both in tears from laughter. But my lifelines have always been my guy friends (most trudtworthy 3 guys ever) but it's been proven that 90% of women marry their fathers (not THEIR fathers but those that have major charistics of them)
  17. letdown

    letdown Guest

    I'm in a long term, healthy relationship with my girlfriend but the one close friendship I did have with a man did end up painful and disasterous. There were times I felt I was little again and being beaten up (emotionally). It seems I tend to be attracted/attract men who like to mess with my head, and who I try to "save" and "fix." :dry:

    Yes. I think they can sense a weak boundary, a lack of saying 'no' and a pathological self loathing that mirrors something in themselves but manifests itself through outwardly hurting others..
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