Gracie...im sorry to hear you're in the mess you are. No doubt, you are in a lot of pain and torment.Between the crying and feeling like you deserved it or dont deserve real love, im guessing nothing else in your life is getting the attention it deserves and requires. Most of all...you Gracie. Unfortunately, There is no easy way out of this for you. Its why people live through shitty relationships for so long until the worst happens. But You need to understand that youre worth the trouble...the trouble and heart ache its going to require for you to get through this is worth the trouble. This is going to be pure torture when youre all alone, its gonna feel like hell, which you obviously already know. That craving for physical contact, to be comforted, protected and loved holding someone tight drives all of us. But youve got to find a way to out think yourself to occupy your time with a more notable pursuit than physical and emotional contact Its the only way to really come out on top i think. If you can somehow find something that is intrinsic to who you are as a person, something you more than just believe in. Something when all distractions fall to the way side, and the dust that is the white noise in your life has settled, the thing that requires no one else but yourself. If you can search deep enough and thoroughly enough, i think you'll find a purpose youve always believed in. My life has been falling apart and im at the bottom of my hole that is the sum of my failures and inadequacies within myself. Not my financial or shallow endeavors, but the shit that happened because i believed i was shit. Its led me here because i ignored the fact that there is purpose for our lives, my life your life, everyones life. Your life has a purpose that only you can find and define for yourself. Youre young and things seem impossibly... unfixable right now. Youre stifling your growth and ability to experience the world through the needless desire to fill in your self doubt with a shallow emotional connection with someone who is also immature in their standing this world. Youre enough on your own, but youll never realize that unless you push through and commit to becoming emotionally independent. The ones we choose to love should compliment and help drive us on our endeavors and us the same for them. Not control and belittle and hurt. This person gave you red flags into who he really was, you just chose to not see them or couldnt, rather. But either way, you fell in love with someone who doesnt understand love and therefore, cant shower you with real love. But you can. You can decide what and who you allow in your life and how theyre allowed to treat you. You have to think through the relationship to learn from it, you cannot escape that truth. Just because you lived it doesnt mean you fully understand what you went through. Start with the hardest shit first and figure out where you went wrong, not him, but you, when you decided in yourself its ok to get treated less than you really deserve. Your mistakes in dealing with his mistakes or mistakes you made that added to the current state in which you now find yourself are yours to own and grow from. If you really think it through deveral times, youll find where you allowed yourself to love them more instead of demanding respect and love for yourself, out of habit and repetition most likely. Its always seemingly easier to stay on the current path than it is to put in the work to change paths. Do not rebound to another person if youre thinking itll help. It wont, youll feel like shit for acting like him. Youll feel worse for putting yourself at uneccesary risk for a moment of not being alone. Youve got to earn your own self respect by slowly putting in the work. Prove to yourself you deserve the best from yourself and that your worth the sweat and tears to prove it true. When sorow fills your heart and the pain is everyehere, and i mean everywhere, and your heart feels like its beeing crushed and torn apart at the same time, and you just want to scream but youre not even sure how or what to scream... go to the bathroom and look in the mirror. When your crying if you can, look at the pain your face that is bleeding the torment out of your soul. Look at the red tear weary eyes on either side of your runny nose and recognize the pain you see, Listen to your own pain and see it ...then understand you dont deserve it, not from anyone and certainly not from yourself. But also understand that, while it sucks, it is also neccesary. Youll never truly appreciate happiness without truly knowing sadness. A Day would not be day with out a night, nor would you understand that warmth and light from a fire without shivering from a bitter winters wind. I cant say it works with any certainty. Ive only really started to look up in the hole i find myself and ive barely begin my arduous trek to the surface. but even way down here, at the bottom, my bottom, where the light is dim, i think i found it, im.not sure how to really word "it" just yet, but its something i only would have found down here. Easy lives breed soft an easy people, hard times and rigorous tribulataions forge strong minds an the hardiest of souls. Read this knowing ive been on the verge of calling it quits myself, several times. But everytime, there was something deep down inside myself, so quiet and almost unrecognizable, its gone unnoticed for almost three decades. I had all but almost forgotten all about what i heard. For so long, i let others guide the direction of my life through one way or another, bevause i forgot to pay attention to what i almost lost....me. just me. Not all the cool shit i know and have done me, just the me thats always been here, waiting for me to acknowledge myself. That voice deep down that always got last say if any at all. Until yesterday that is. Im not sure what this looks like for me, but thats for me to decide and pursue. Just like you, your purpose is up to you to decide, and should you choose a worthy pursuit... a notable endeavor which you do one thing a day to work towards achieving, i think youll find doing for others us way more powerful than doingothers doing for you. I think youll find yourself aligned with path that, regardless of who comes into out of your life, will keep you fullfilled and worthy and notable and lovable to yourself. If you can walk towards that, i think youll find yourself walking with others who can and will fully appreciate you as you are meant to be in this world. People who will lift you instead of bury you. Who will encourage you to know yourself and seek self improvement insteand of trying to control you. But the only way to get there, is to know you deserve it enough to work towards it. Like attracts like, elevate yourself out of your swamp a little each day and soon youll be looking back, relieved this part is over. But only you can find out what youre worth. Once the tears have dried and youve caught your breath, do simple things for yourself. I dont go to the gym but some pushups and situps kill time and increase endorphins so it makes me feel better, if only for a little bit. Maybe pushups and pullups and stuff arent for you, maybe they are. Point being is if you avtively make yourself actually do shit for yourself, especially when you feel extra shitty and really dont care, and be patient with yourself, slowly by slowly, life wont suck ass as much. Its when life is hard and trying to beat us into submission that our effort matters most. Anyone can drop on the ground and do push ups, right up until it hurts, it doesnt matter. For a person that does ten pushups before the burn sets in in, those ten pushups were practice, warm up for the pushups that actually matter. They only count in the aspect that they lead to where results are earned. Important as a foundation of a skyscraper, but youve already earned those results, thats why theyre the easy ones, you know theyre easy. Everyone does the easy ones, for some one new to it, ten pushups may be alot so their work starts sooner, others can do 100 pushups before the pain comes to play, then they start their actual work. Try and think bavk to all those times as a five year old that you thought you were in so much trouble or whatever mayhem you got into, that when you look back now, you just kind of laugh at your self for being so scared or sad over nothing? This is similar but different, youll get past it and shake your head in embarrasment most likely, but dont. Keep close the lessons youve learned from the relationship to guard against similar future mishaps. There is much for you to learn about yourself, if only you search yourself for what you learned, not what you think you should have learned, but what is actual knowledge you know because of what you experienced and retained to avoid guys and situations like this in the future. The only easy day was yesterday, so plan on tomorrow being your hardest today so when you get there, youre either pleasantly surprised its an easy day, or youre ready for that something wicked wandering your way. If you take the surprise away, its more manageable. Just focus on you and the impact you want to make in this world and what makes you happy, then pursue them like your existence depends on them, because it does. Stay the course and walk your path, youre the only one who can Gracie.
