mm. im not trying anymore to get better. the more i try the more i just dont get it. i seem to have such a negative effect. usually id look into it. meh. why? for what? i got a warm spot inside me right now, and u know what, i aint digging into it, . maybe ill lose my perception of pain for others and much more. maybe ill lose who i am in the process. maybe maybe maybe feels good to accept and not care anymore. i aint fighting it anymore. whatever it is. let it seap in. let it become me. oh i tried. thought of the heavens on earth. trying just made me become dillusional. saw that last night, maybe i had that fine line again, but i aint strong enough. i donno. i just dont feel the care. feeling warm and disconnected. watching the person i lovethe most, donno.. just the give up. no need to move up stream . more i try the more i suck myself down. yep i suck myself down. all in my ikkle noggin and heart. oh shes made for things beyond me. ... wow.. apparently though.. when she leaves.. still feel that feeling. ill get over it. i aint pulling her to a dead bed. i cant get away, the more i fight it the more i hurt her and myself. you know, she has kids.. she has these scary things happening in the next month. .. na mate.. ..i gotta look at it. four lives, which will succeed. how they succeed.. i dont think my soul is prepared to advance. theirs are. i used to be like them, but that was before they even knew me. somehow she sees it, but its.. i donno. maybe but not there. i accept my end. i accept being alone. i accept that i do not know. i acccept that i dont want to over think anymore. i accept with a smile. i accept forever that i love you. i accept that my love for you isnt enough. i accept with a smile. i accept that i have the best part of life infront of me, and i accept that i am an exsistance that is lightyears away from you. i accept my refusal to be dead weight. i accept full responsibility for my failure of not being there for you. as you smile... it warms me so much. thats what i always wanted babe.. for you to be happy. im sorry i tried and failedvwithou and your family. was so amazing. amoungst the pain and discomfort.. the hope for something more. . . im not ruining that in any shape or form. i know, its pretty presumptuous for me to say ill ruin it, but i mean it in, i wont fracture it for you or the kids. im afraid yeah. afraid of fucking upvlike i constantly have. afraid of not getting it when someone needed me to get it. im afraid of being the dead weight. nothings worse then loseing you. spiral.. spiral.. spiral... warm and fuzzy for 3 minutes.. add reality.. ah im all over the place babe. thats really me. hid away and could barely survive.. came back out and couldnt handle the reality of this life. im ... not strong enough. heh.. i accept ... .. yeah i know whats going to happen. i can feel it brewing. my souls crying in agony . ill lay down and go insane from this. it happens to much. then i let loose my pain. wish it could just be put ina area and not spread over through me. baby.. maybe in other exsistence. id find u again if its possible. id find u from the beginning... god talking to you.. its so hard to ... with every specific we speak, especially about nothing about us, .. it hurts even more. what is this then? this whole speech to god knows who on this planet. the overall objective, the idea? why do i write this here? maybe so someone understands. feels comforting and even more painful. this isnt the root of my problems. this is the best part of my life. without them i will spiral. im not holding that on them. i can hold on, but at their cost. u dont do that to people you love. not if u know u cant get better. im destind to die. timeline? i dont plan. itll happen when it will happen. my streams run dry. my pains bleeding internally, and it wont stop. its become the ocean thats drowning me. its blood has a current, my breath is the wind, and its crashing down on me. im scared... and ill put on my mask. ill show this world just the fine line of its perception of 'ok'. im so scared though.. i dont understand.. i want so much to.. to learn it.. to learn life.. to be with you... Life it seems, will fade away Drifting further every day Getting lost within myself Nothing matters no one else I have lost the will to live Simply nothing more to give There is nothing more for me Need the end to set me free Things are not what they used to be Missing one inside of me Deathly lost, this cant be real Cannot stand this hell I feel Emptiness is filling me To the point of agony Growing darkness taking dawn I was me, but now hes gone No one but me can save myself, but its too late Now I cant think, think why I should even try Yesterday seems as though it never existed Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye metallicas fade to black.. feels like... a release.... and im so sad with this release..