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Acceptance of the past

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by TBear, Feb 19, 2010.

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  1. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Abuse, rape - the words seem so simple - the effects devastating
    Faith, trust, love, security, hope - all walled away in the pain of the past
    The minute I feel stronger or safer, another memory, or an old one, is triggered - flooding in more horribly excruciating than the last time...
    I feel myself slipping into deep pain
    If I isolate from others - I isolate with myself
    Then reality tears down denial and I must accept the pain
    What once had to be walled away to survive - must now be embraced to live
    Mourning - Grieving the losses - so that I may begin to live again

    Feels worse with every wave
    Spiraling down into a dark abyss no ray of hope can pierce thru
    It is death; my death
    Death of innocence, of trust
    I flail wildly at the darkness as I fall
    Only to grasp momentarily, a reminder of what is only a fleeting touch -
    Then forgotten
    I am no longer....
    Totally engulfed in a solitude no one cares to penetrate but for a moment
    For this has been my residence
    The never ending battle to escape
    Then I spiral back down
    Only this time the pain is worse
    because I have touched a small glimmer
    Only to fall back into blackness
    Death of dreams or possibilities
    Only to struggle thru
    This must have an end
    I disconnect from life when I can no longer relive, accept
    What life has dealt me: pain instead of love
    Could never be good enough, work hard enough, for what?
    Cold, Cruel, Brutality which Rends the Very Soul
    Leaving devastation and despair
    Violation which reaches the very core of my being
    I see no escape

    Acceptance - This really did happen...
    I can't let the monsters who did this win
    I must feel the pain and only then can I move on
    The pain that ripped me to pieces must be respected
    Then I can be whole
    Sad, but somehow more content, complete
    It happened, it isn't my fault, it isn't me
    I am a warrior that will get past the beatings and nightly rapes of childhood
    Who will leave in the past the date rape, the endless gang rape
    Who will never let the ex-husband who kept me imprisoned in abuse, and raped me with a gun to my head have access to me or the children again
    I am not the one who should be ashamed - the rapists are.....

    But it hurts...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are a SURVIVOR and fighter and you can't let them win because they don't deserve a victory. I am glad you are posting and getting help for you You are very strong and i understand the pain feeling the sadness but you can rise above all that by what you are doing dealing with it facing it and knowing all of it was no fault of yours I hope all of them are in hell right now where they belong You belong in a place of happiness Glad to see you fighting again and making it stay the survivor okay don't ever let them win.
  3. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I hear you. I don't want to say anything other than that.
    That moved me a lot.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 19, 2010
  4. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Thank you both for responding...
    The pain is so extreme - it paralyzes
    I have to force myself back to the here and now
    The flashbacks are never ending
    Triggers in everything and everywhere
    Hard to believe I even lived through it all -
    Incomprehensible at times
    I didn't live through it - I just existed
    Part of me died and will never be
    Being alone and knowing that what has been taken from me, can never be replaced...Hurts
    I can only try to move forward though
    It gets better for a little and I almost feel whole again
    Like maybe there is some hope
    Then the next crisis comes
    I do see improvement
    I have to stay strong - for my children's sake, if not my own
    Persistence, they deserve all the strength I can give this....
    Anyway, sorry for such a long-winded thanks!
    It really helped my spirits to know someone heard the pain
    Even though I couldn't reach out any more....
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hear it and understand it totally. I became someone else to excape pain now i am facing it. we cannot be their victims any longer we are survivors and we will conquer all There is no way i will ever let them have victory over me ever and i hope you know that whom ever did this will suffer greatly they will one day.
    i am glad you have someone to stay here for looking at our children we know we are survivors they did not take that life away from us . take care stay strong
  6. rx4brdm

    rx4brdm Well-Known Member

    The first verse did it for me, very moving. I'm glad to hear you have the strength to keep pushing, keep fighting.
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just want to say hi and hope your strength says remember we are here if you need to lean on us okay take care
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