Abuse, rape - the words seem so simple - the effects devastating Faith, trust, love, security, hope - all walled away in the pain of the past The minute I feel stronger or safer, another memory, or an old one, is triggered - flooding in more horribly excruciating than the last time... I feel myself slipping into deep pain If I isolate from others - I isolate with myself Then reality tears down denial and I must accept the pain What once had to be walled away to survive - must now be embraced to live Mourning - Grieving the losses - so that I may begin to live again Feels worse with every wave Spiraling down into a dark abyss no ray of hope can pierce thru It is death; my death Death of innocence, of trust I flail wildly at the darkness as I fall Only to grasp momentarily, a reminder of what is only a fleeting touch - Then forgotten I am no longer.... Totally engulfed in a solitude no one cares to penetrate but for a moment For this has been my residence The never ending battle to escape Then I spiral back down Only this time the pain is worse because I have touched a small glimmer Only to fall back into blackness Death of dreams or possibilities Only to struggle thru This must have an end I disconnect from life when I can no longer relive, accept What life has dealt me: pain instead of love Could never be good enough, work hard enough, for what? Cold, Cruel, Brutality which Rends the Very Soul Leaving devastation and despair Violation which reaches the very core of my being I see no escape Acceptance - This really did happen... I can't let the monsters who did this win I must feel the pain and only then can I move on The pain that ripped me to pieces must be respected Then I can be whole Sad, but somehow more content, complete It happened, it isn't my fault, it isn't me I am a warrior that will get past the beatings and nightly rapes of childhood Who will leave in the past the date rape, the endless gang rape Who will never let the ex-husband who kept me imprisoned in abuse, and raped me with a gun to my head have access to me or the children again I am not the one who should be ashamed - the rapists are..... But it hurts... Acceptance.