Abuse, rape - the words seem so simple - the effects devastating Faith, trust, love, security, hope - all walled away in the pain of the past The minute I feel stronger or safer, another memory, or an old one, is triggered - flooding in more horribly excruciating than the last time... I feel myself slipping into deep pain If I isolate from others - I isolate with myself Then reality tears down denial and I must accept the pain What once had to be walled away to survive - must now be embraced to live Mourning - Grieving the losses - so that I may begin to live again Feels worse with every wave Spiraling down into a dark abyss no ray of hope can pierce thru It is death; my death Death of innocence, of trust I flail wildly at the darkness as I fall Only to grasp momentarily, a reminder of what is only a fleeting touch - Then forgotten I am no longer.... Totally engulfed in a solitude no one cares to penetrate but for a moment For this has been my residence The never ending battle to escape Then I spiral back down Only this time the pain is worse because I have touched a small glimmer Only to fall back into blackness Death of dreams or possibilities Only to struggle thru This must have an end I disconnect from life when I can no longer relive, accept What life has dealt me: pain instead of love Could never be good enough, work hard enough, for what? Cold, Cruel, Brutality which Rends the Very Soul Leaving devastation and despair Violation which reaches the very core of my being I see no escape Acceptance - This really did happen... I can't let the monsters who did this win I must feel the pain and only then can I move on The pain that ripped me to pieces must be respected Then I can be whole Sad, but somehow more content, complete It happened, it isn't my fault, it isn't me I am a warrior that will get past the beatings and nightly rapes of childhood Who will leave in the past the date rape, the endless gang rape Who will never let the ex-husband who kept me imprisoned in abuse, and raped me with a gun to my head have access to me or the children again I am not the one who should be ashamed - the rapists are..... But it hurts... Acceptance.
You are a SURVIVOR and fighter and you can't let them win because they don't deserve a victory. I am glad you are posting and getting help for you You are very strong and i understand the pain feeling the sadness but you can rise above all that by what you are doing dealing with it facing it and knowing all of it was no fault of yours I hope all of them are in hell right now where they belong You belong in a place of happiness Glad to see you fighting again and making it stay the survivor okay don't ever let them win.
Thank you both for responding... The pain is so extreme - it paralyzes I have to force myself back to the here and now The flashbacks are never ending Triggers in everything and everywhere Hard to believe I even lived through it all - Incomprehensible at times I didn't live through it - I just existed Part of me died and will never be Being alone and knowing that what has been taken from me, can never be replaced...Hurts I can only try to move forward though It gets better for a little and I almost feel whole again Like maybe there is some hope Then the next crisis comes I do see improvement I have to stay strong - for my children's sake, if not my own Persistence, they deserve all the strength I can give this.... Anyway, sorry for such a long-winded thanks! It really helped my spirits to know someone heard the pain Even though I couldn't reach out any more.... :hug:
I hear it and understand it totally. I became someone else to excape pain now i am facing it. we cannot be their victims any longer we are survivors and we will conquer all There is no way i will ever let them have victory over me ever and i hope you know that whom ever did this will suffer greatly they will one day. i am glad you have someone to stay here for looking at our children we know we are survivors they did not take that life away from us . take care stay strong
The first verse did it for me, very moving. I'm glad to hear you have the strength to keep pushing, keep fighting.
Just want to say hi and hope your strength says remember we are here if you need to lean on us okay take care
