Acceptance

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1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Safety & Support
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#21
Hello, I am Mox.

Can your son at some point have cosmetic surgery to remove the scar?

I also have a lot of issues with my son that I struggle to deal with. So do not think you are alone in this struggle.

(my son is cognitively impaired)

You have a lot going on. I will always listen if you want to talk.
i'm sorry to hear about your son how are you handling it and how old is your son
 

moxman

The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat
SF Supporter
#22
i'm sorry to hear about your son how are you handling it and how old is your son
He is 19. He finished high school last year. He jas a lot of learning /memory problems. For example, he can't count change, I don't think he will ever drive a car or move out on his own.

I deal with it some days better than others.

It's part of why I am back here, it's a high stressor for me and I don't know how to handle it all.

I posted a thread about him under Practical Advice where I talked about it in more detail.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#23
He is 19. He finished high school last year. He jas a lot of learning /memory problems. For example, he can't count change, I don't think he will ever drive a car or move out on his own.

I deal with it some days better than others.

It's part of why I am back here, it's a high stressor for me and I don't know how to handle it all.

I posted a thread about him under Practical Advice where I talked about it in more detail.
i'm sorry to hear that my heart goes out to you
 

Pennylane-

Well-Known Member
#24
Oh wow so many replies.. so people still care about my thread after all.


Hi pennylane. Ive been here for about almost 4 months now. My reason to be here is my son’s operation. He has somekind of skintatnon his nose that required to be operated when he was just 6 months old.

It is now healing better, but in result his nose is a little bit different from others. A little bit wider, and there is a linear scar right down the middle.

I feel that after i post the whole story people seem to ignore me a little bit more. Probably because they think its not considered to be a big problem in this community.

So far ive been active in this forum, but i also feel that i am getting response just after i reply someone elses threads, or just about after posting something petty and superficial.

When it comes to my own content when things get serious, less and less people actually care about it. That makes me feel that its a bit unfair.
Hey,

I think that maybe because your problem is quite specific not so many people will immediately relate? So they will read, sympathise and hope/ assume someone who has some experience of this will reply and offer advice? Then your thread may get bumped down the list as new ones are added?

I may be wrong but it seems logical to me. I can relate in a different kind of way, as my son doesn't have any physical scars that make him stand out but he has Aspergers which has always made him different to other kids, has at times isolated him and made him stand out.

It's always made me over compensate, love him a little bit more, over protect him, worry a lot. It was manageable when he was a child he developed natural coping mechanisms, it all went to pot a bit when his Dad died.

The only thing I think I could advise is that you try to socialise him as much as possible when he's young, try not to over protect him, he will naturally learn coping mechanisms which will stay with him as he grows up and will be invaluable to him. Kids are much more resilient and adaptable than us. Try not to project your fears and worries onto him, he will learn them from you if you're not very careful? You'd be doing him a great service

Sending compassion and hugs, of course it's understandable that you're so fretful, he's your child and it's your job to worry, but try to be strong for him and not let it show?

I'm not sure if anything I've said will help and that's another reason why people take a while to respond sometimes, we worry we won't be of any use


Nikki x
 

Lightsout

Well-Known Member
#26
He is 19. He finished high school last year. He jas a lot of learning /memory problems. For example, he can't count change, I don't think he will ever drive a car or move out on his own.

I deal with it some days better than others.

It's part of why I am back here, it's a high stressor for me and I don't know how to handle it all.

I posted a thread about him under Practical Advice where I talked about it in more detail.
Hi moxman. I can relate quite a bit to your son.

I also had a cognitive problem growing up. Studying has always been hard for me, i start to really know how to study when i was 23 years old. Can you believe that? 23 years old! I was always the ‘idiot’ of the family. My dad is superman, mom is superwoman, sister is supergirl and as you can tell im no superboy..

How is your son at the moment? Did you go to psychiatrist? I took Daily dose of ritalin when i was studying back then. If not i wont be able to pass.. my mind keeps on wondering like crazy.

My social life was also not that great. I have problem working together with people.. i can do it better now, with many years of practice. Your son is not even 20 yet. There is a chance that he will get through all this as he matures.

About cosmetic surgery of my son, we are considering it much later in far future. It all depends on how the scar heals, and the nose shape develop. I cannot assume that it will be ok, so i even start saving money now for the procedure. It will not be cheap.. yes i am having a hard time coping. And to accept that my son had a little bit of defect really hurts me bad.

I am sure you are too... Hopefully we can get through this together.
 

Lightsout

Well-Known Member
#27
I think they were trying to tell you that hopefully, as your son grows, his scar will fade dramatically, and despite any remaining difference in his nose he can still achieve great things and lead a happy life. I don't think they meant that your problem was nothing but were trying to reassure you that the physical problem with your son might not hold HIM back at all. But of course, how it affects you is a different thing. It's not something that can be brushed aside.

Seeing a psychologist is a great start and although it isn't something you wanted will hopefully be really helpful to you. And hopefully you will not only learn acceptance of your situation but the knowledge that you CAN still achieve happiness in your life even if it doesn't seem possible right now. It's a really brave step to take as talking about our deepest fears is such a hard thing to do.

When are you seeing the psychologist? Please keep talking to us and let us know how you get on. Feel free to tag me in your posts so I don't miss them and not reply - sometimes when I log on here, there are so many new posts that I don't see them all.

Take care.
I know that nobody meant any harm, and everyone have their own way to provide advice to others. But that one didnt sit that well at least for me. I mean, i wont ever say that to anyone, even though their problem is as superficial as having fight with boyfriend/girlfriend.

the fact that i am so desperate to talk about this problem to others and wanted to book appointment with psychologist asap means i am in such a big trouble.

The last time i was this desperate happened only once in my lifetime. And it lasted only for 2 short months, solved by 1 visit to psychologist. Ive been suffering for a bit more than 2 years, have joined a suicide forum(never done this ever), had suicidal thoughts(also never had this ever)and about to see psychologist for 2nd time about the same matter, almost 2 years apart. It is pretty scary to imagine what kind of hell is going on inside my head..

Yeah im going to see psychologist in 2 days time. Havent seen any therapist for quite a while now. Im curious what kind of solution he will have for me... i will let you know how it goes. Cheers lu.. talk to you soon
 

Lightsout

Well-Known Member
#28
Hey,

I think that maybe because your problem is quite specific not so many people will immediately relate? So they will read, sympathise and hope/ assume someone who has some experience of this will reply and offer advice? Then your thread may get bumped down the list as new ones are added?

I may be wrong but it seems logical to me. I can relate in a different kind of way, as my son doesn't have any physical scars that make him stand out but he has Aspergers which has always made him different to other kids, has at times isolated him and made him stand out.

It's always made me over compensate, love him a little bit more, over protect him, worry a lot. It was manageable when he was a child he developed natural coping mechanisms, it all went to pot a bit when his Dad died.

The only thing I think I could advise is that you try to socialise him as much as possible when he's young, try not to over protect him, he will naturally learn coping mechanisms which will stay with him as he grows up and will be invaluable to him. Kids are much more resilient and adaptable than us. Try not to project your fears and worries onto him, he will learn them from you if you're not very careful? You'd be doing him a great service

Sending compassion and hugs, of course it's understandable that you're so fretful, he's your child and it's your job to worry, but try to be strong for him and not let it show?

I'm not sure if anything I've said will help and that's another reason why people take a while to respond sometimes, we worry we won't be of any use


Nikki x
I guess it really is harder to relate since i havent seen any 1 Where anyone stressed out about their children.
Isolation is the worst... been there before and i really dont want that to happen to my own son. My dad once told me when i was young, in tears ’no matter what happens, i will always support you’. It hurts to disappoint, i really dont want to end up saying the same thing to my son because he is different. It is even more painful to disappoint your own child, to have all dreams taken away from him. Im sure you can relate right?

What our children had is not that common.. well what happened to my son is even less common, so we find it harder to talk about it to other parents.

I will always worry, no matter what happens. It all depends on what personality he has.. if he is easily depressed like me, then we have ourselves another candidate for depression forum. As much as i like to hang around here.. i dont want him to end up doing the same thing.

I always try to make him socialize, and he seems to love it, which is a small candle in a freakin wind. And he seems to be an extrovert, not introverted like me and my wife. So he might(finger crossed) have higher coping ability than us.

Im trying to not let it show, but at the moment im not doing a great job.. how about you? Have you taken your child to any kind of therapy yet?
 

Pennylane-

Well-Known Member
#29
I guess it really is harder to relate since i havent seen any 1 Where anyone stressed out about their children.
Isolation is the worst... been there before and i really dont want that to happen to my own son. My dad once told me when i was young, in tears ’no matter what happens, i will always support you’. It hurts to disappoint, i really dont want to end up saying the same thing to my son because he is different. It is even more painful to disappoint your own child, to have all dreams taken away from him. Im sure you can relate right?

What our children had is not that common.. well what happened to my son is even less common, so we find it harder to talk about it to other parents.

I will always worry, no matter what happens. It all depends on what personality he has.. if he is easily depressed like me, then we have ourselves another candidate for depression forum. As much as i like to hang around here.. i dont want him to end up doing the same thing.

I always try to make him socialize, and he seems to love it, which is a small candle in a freakin wind. And he seems to be an extrovert, not introverted like me and my wife. So he might(finger crossed) have higher coping ability than us.

Im trying to not let it show, but at the moment im not doing a great job.. how about you? Have you taken your child to any kind of therapy yet?
Well it sounds as though you're doing all of the right things and that you are struggling with this situation more than he is, which is the way it should be shouldn't it? I'm hoping he continues to take everything in his stride, he appears to have two wonderful parents to light his way.

Yes my son has been in and out of therapy since his Dad died, and has been on various medications, I haven't always been as proactive as I should with him as financially supporting all three of my children has always been a difficulty, although my eldest daughter has left home now, it is still a struggle.

He's currently taking Citalopram and has his first therapy session for two years booked in for the beginning of December. The difficulty I have now is that with him being an adult it's much more difficult to arrange things for him, ie: I used to be able to call the doctor and arrange things for him or ask for advice for him but now the doctor wants to speak directly to him and rightly so but he doesn't want to talk, which sets things back sometimes.

I do feel as though he's turned a corner though, he's asked about acquiring some work at one of my workplaces and I've put a request in for him. I'm hoping that the bustling young waitresses there will mother him as they they have other shy young male waiters that have worked there. I've seen them coax lots of struggling teens out of their shells.

He enjoys working he always has but he's always worked alone and so I'm hopeful this will work out better.

This is your thread and I apologise for rambling on about my own worries
 
Last edited:

Lightsout

Well-Known Member
#30
Well it sounds as though you're doing all of the right things and that you are struggling with this situation more than he is, which is the way it should be shouldn't it? I'm hoping he continues to take everything in his stride, he appears to have two wonderful parents to light his way.

Yes my son has been in and out of therapy since his Dad died, and has been on various medications, I haven't always been as proactive as I should with him as financially supporting all three of my children has always been a difficulty, although my eldest daughter has left home now, it is still a struggle.

He's currently taking Citalopram and has his first therapy session for two years booked in for the beginning of December. The difficulty I have now is that with him being an adult it's much more difficult to arrange things for him, ie: I used to be able to call the doctor and arrange things for him or ask for advice for him but now the doctor wants to speak directly to him and rightly so but he doesn't want to talk, which sets things back sometimes.

I do feel as though he's turned a corner though, he's asked about acquiring some work at one of my workplaces and I've put a request in for him. I'm hoping that the bustling young waitresses there will mother him as they they have other shy young male waiters that have worked there. I've seen them coax lots of struggling teens out of their shells.

He enjoys working he always has but he's always worked alone and so I'm hopeful this will work out better.

This is your thread and I apologise for rambling on about my own worries
At the moment we have no worry because he have no idea of whats happening. Soon when he is big enough thats when we can tell whether he is strong mentally.

I believe that time heals but it will be a very long time before i never look back and wonder. ‘What ifs’ are my biggest enemy right now. I keep thinking that what i had back then was ‘normal’ but now i am in a process to believe that now is the new standard.

So you are a single parent with 3 children, you must be pretty tough. Having 1 child with problem definitely not easy too.

No worries, i think its good to hear other peoples perspective, especially to hear someone open up about their child’s problem in this forum. Its quite rare
 

moxman

The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat
SF Supporter
#31
Hellos

I am trying to.get my.son to see a neurologist. He has a very hard time remembering things. He also has a lot of headaches.

It happens too often for him to be faking it. You can show him how to do something ten times in a row, ask him to do it and he can not.

He is good with people. He streams a channel on Youtube where he plays video games So he can learn stuff, but I'm not sure what is different from video games to IRL.

What is really frustrating is that his mother (she's very mentally ill ) and grandmother want him to pursue college. They are pushing him into that and it’s like a person reading on a 5th-grade level and can not do basic algebra, is going to go to college?

I don't see him ever leaving home tbh. He doesn't have the common sense to live alone. Maybe find him a group home?

Right now we get along very well and we are very close.

He does not approve of me using SF. I told him I just need a place to vent and talk without worrying about the cops being called on me.

I struggle more than he knows. He could not handle the truth, so why ask him to carry the burden that he can't carry?

I hope you are well.
 

Pennylane-

Well-Known Member
#32
At the moment we have no worry because he have no idea of whats happening. Soon when he is big enough thats when we can tell whether he is strong mentally.

I believe that time heals but it will be a very long time before i never look back and wonder. ‘What ifs’ are my biggest enemy right now. I keep thinking that what i had back then was ‘normal’ but now i am in a process to believe that now is the new standard.

So you are a single parent with 3 children, you must be pretty tough. Having 1 child with problem definitely not easy too.

No worries, i think its good to hear other peoples perspective, especially to hear someone open up about their child’s problem in this forum. Its quite rare
I hope I didn't sound like I was belittling your problem I didn't mean to, reading your post took me straight back to when my first child was born and the all consuming fears and worries I had about everything.

She was a yellowy colour through jaundice as my labour had been too long and I remember writing in her baby health book that her ears were different sizes and the midwife not taking me seriously. I also remember crying uncontrollably when she had her first immunisation because the nurse had hurt her with the needle and made her cry.

I'm sure if she'd had a problem like your son's I would have been in bits about it.

I do understand.
I wouldn't let anyone else bathe her or look after her, everything about the world I'd brought her into scared me.

I think your fears are natural and I hope the therapy you're about to start helps x
 

Pennylane-

Well-Known Member
#33
Hellos

I am trying to.get my.son to see a neurologist. He has a very hard time remembering things. He also has a lot of headaches.

It happens too often for him to be faking it. You can show him how to do something ten times in a row, ask him to do it and he can not.

He is good with people. He streams a channel on Youtube where he plays video games So he can learn stuff, but I'm not sure what is different from video games to IRL.

What is really frustrating is that his mother (she's very mentally ill ) and grandmother want him to pursue college. They are pushing him into that and it’s like a person reading on a 5th-grade level and can not do basic algebra, is going to go to college?

I don't see him ever leaving home tbh. He doesn't have the common sense to live alone. Maybe find him a group home?

Right now we get along very well and we are very close.

He does not approve of me using SF. I told him I just need a place to vent and talk without worrying about the cops being called on me.

I struggle more than he knows. He could not handle the truth, so why ask him to carry the burden that he can't carry?

I hope you are well.
To be honest my family all pushed for me to push my son more a few years ago, looking back I did over protect him, I don't think I could have done more than I did at the time regarding school and college but I do think I should have pushed him a little more regarding his social life.

Sometimes I think we are comforted, especially after a trauma, with the thought that we know our children are safe at home, not having to deal with bad things the world spews out at us on a daily basis, doubly so if our kids have any specific problems of their own in the first place.

Sometimes I think I didn't do him any favours and other times I think if it had been the other way around and I'd died, and his Dad had pushed him harder he would have completely snapped.

I think we can all only do the best we can within the circumstances we are stuck in.

I think it's good that you come here to vent I do too, I hope you manage to get your son in to see a neurologist x
 

Pennylane-

Well-Known Member
#34
@Lightsout

I'm not tough at all really, most days I want to hide away from everything. I have no choice, if I don't go to work we don't get to eat or have a roof over our heads, if I take the plunge and completely give in, I'm leaving my kids with no parents. I struggle on, not tough, just trying to survive for long enough to see them be independent x

I'm lucky in the sense that I have a very generous brother that takes me away from it all every now and then so that I can recharge my batteries
 

Lightsout

Well-Known Member
#35
I hope I didn't sound like I was belittling your problem I didn't mean to, reading your post took me straight back to when my first child was born and the all consuming fears and worries I had about everything.

She was a yellowy colour through jaundice as my labour had been too long and I remember writing in her baby health book that her ears were different sizes and the midwife not taking me seriously. I also remember crying uncontrollably when she had her first immunisation because the nurse had hurt her with the needle and made her cry.

I'm sure if she'd had a problem like your son's I would have been in bits about it.

I do understand.
I wouldn't let anyone else bathe her or look after her, everything about the world I'd brought her into scared me.

I think your fears are natural and I hope the therapy you're about to start helps x
Yup i can relate. The moment my son was born one of the nurse act surprised and i can tell something out of ordinary.

I am the first one to see him, that moment stuck in my mind forever. That day i swear just to make him happy, and thats all i wanna do.

He is happier now, his looks has improved, some people cant tell that he had a surgery done. The nose shape seems more normal every month. But again, i still cant let go the pain the i felt. A member of a family also indirect sign of rejection few weeks after he was born, and it hurts me more.

Hopefully, i can take the good in this happened instead of the bad.

Normal child birth parents cant seem to understand what we felt. Some experience is left better experienced than told.
 

Shorty92

Well-Known Member
#36
Oh wow so many replies.. so people still care about my thread after all.

Hi pennylane. Ive been here for about almost 4 months now. My reason to be here is my son’s operation. He has somekind of skintatnon his nose that required to be operated when he was just 6 months old.

It is now healing better, but in result his nose is a little bit different from others. A little bit wider, and there is a linear scar right down the middle.

I feel that after i post the whole story people seem to ignore me a little bit more. Probably because they think its not considered to be a big problem in this community.

So far ive been active in this forum, but i also feel that i am getting response just after i reply someone elses threads, or just about after posting something petty and superficial.

When it comes to my own content when things get serious, less and less people actually care about it. That makes me feel that its a bit unfair.
I get this as a mother of course your child and their wellbeing and health will affect you mentally. It’s not less important than anyone else’s issues as it’s your issue. Glad your little one is on the mend .
 

Lightsout

Well-Known Member
#37
I get this as a mother of course your child and their wellbeing and health will affect you mentally. It’s not less important than anyone else’s issues as it’s your issue. Glad your little one is on the mend .
Cheers. I want to see this through and wish that the whole ordeal kills me more than my son. It is just natural for us parents to want the best for our child.

As a father i want to help him as much as possible to live a similar life conditions as his peers.

I am sure many others experience the same thing. But very little chose to share them here.
 

Lightsout

Well-Known Member
#38
So i met my therapist yesterday. It seems that he is trying to make me able to live normally doesnt matter how bad my situation is. Which is a great thing but it also made me see my life atm as a complete nightmare o_O

He also told me not to mind read, to just believe whatever people think if they say it. Otherwise its not. But i do disagree with this because life is full of unwritten rules and to rely on what everyone is saying is quite foolish way to solve things.

So far not a good experience.

I will try to go to another therapist if possible. If not, then i will just continue what i do. I will come to them just in emergency situation.
 

Lightsout

Well-Known Member
#39
I lost a few friends along the way. Probably its just because of me, how i become irritated, jealous, angry, sad so easily.

People dont want to be around prophet of doom. Hell even i dont.

Its funny how something that supposed to make you feel like close to heaven ended up destroyed your life.

My daily life isnt so different but what i feel day to day is destructive and i become mean to other people.

I know it sounds very dramatic, but some experience needed to be felt in order to be understood, not just told.

This is not just about me, its about life of someone else that could be grievely affected.

I am spinning inside my own circle and who knows how long this will last.
 
#40
He also told me not to mind read, to just believe whatever people think if they say it. Otherwise its not. But i do disagree with this because life is full of unwritten rules and to rely on what everyone is saying is quite foolish way to solve things
It sounds like you may have a tendency to assume the worst about what people are thinking.

For example, you thought that no one cared enough to respond to this thread initially, but the real reason no one replied at first was because it usually takes a while for people to respond. Now you have lots of responses.

So maybe if you can't take what people say at face value, you might be able to accept that you have a tendency to assume the worst.
 
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