Acceptance

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Ozibuna, Aug 26, 2010.

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  1. Ozibuna

    Ozibuna Well-Known Member

    Hi,

    In the last week i have finally come to terms and accepted that i am depressed. It took me over 6 months to realize it, but it finally happened.

    Not much to say about it really. I am an entrepreneur trying to find my own way in life, and fighting for whatever i think is right. After i learned how to sell and saw success in insurance i thought it was time for my to start my own company and hit the advertising business.

    Things were going well business wise, although i had no rest, worked all day, fell asleep while eating at night when i got home. With minimal investment, i reached built myself up from nothing to something. I made my own connections and friends in various circles, but was eating crap from both business life, because you always find at least one stupid potential customer that ruins your day, and from my personal life, because my family never supported my work or respected me for that matter.

    I had 2 big chances to succeed. Both of which failed for reasons out of my control. Now i have to find a way to get up and start working again, although to be honest, i hardly find the energy to get up from bed any more.

    My family fails to see this, they don't see the effects their words have. They go about fights and arguments the same way they always have: go at it till the knifes at each others throat and the next day pretend nothing happened.

    4 weeks ago, i nearly lost the one woman i love. My girlfriend, whose family and lifestyle is so very much different from mine. She never yells, rarely argues, and is a calm and gentle person by nature. My depression, anger and family drove me to a point when i started a fight over nothing and said things i shouldn't have, and things i will regret for the rest of my life, and i am not a person that regrets things.

    I have one more year of college. After this year is done, my family will not be part of my life any more, i'm already trying to repair whatever i can of what used to be me, a confident, bright, fit, cheerful guy, and to do this besides my father and mother and a few other very small exceptions, i am not going to see my family again. If i am important to them, their lifestyle will have to change, otherwise i will never go back to them.

    It feels just like taking drugs only without any euphoric effects, just the "eating away at your soul" and "rotting away your body and mind" effects.

    I hope i will succeed, if not, i'll just leave for good to a new place, a place where nobody knows me, and i will make sure i will loose ALL contact with my former life.
     
  2. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    I suspect it took courage to post that, and admit things 'aloud' once and for all. I'm glad that you've acknowledged the depression, as this is your first step towards overcoming it.

    I can understand why you're depressed. I am sorry that your family are not supportive, although I do think that you've got the right attitude towards them, that they need to change or they'll lose you.

    I'm glad you didn't lose your girlfriend. If you haven't already, you need to tell her that you shouldn't have said the things you said and that you will regret them for the rest of my life - this will mean more than just sorry.

    Work hard at college. You can rebuild your life and your business, and you can be successful (and then you can look your family in the eye and know that you're better than them!). I wonder if it's worth talking to your doctor and maybe trying antidepressants?

    Mim
     
  3. Ozibuna

    Ozibuna Well-Known Member

    It didn't take as much as you think to post this. I don't care about consequences any more, with very very little exceptions. Almost a week ago, the person i once called my sister took my depression to the next level.

    I no longer have any hope or dream of things because inside my head there's a big fat elephant that keeps telling me "what's the point, you're gonna fail anyway, might as well give up". It did took a lot to realize i am depressed though. Last night i took the depression test, just out of curiosity. In 6 months i went from a 7 to a 63.

    What's worse is that my wishes confirm my depression even more. I no longer care and want to destroy everything that i used to care for, memorabilia and such from friends from around the country, letters, pictures, they just don't matter any more. The only reason i haven't burned them yet is because i'm way too bummed out to even start cleaning whatever it is i call life.

    I have told my girlfriend just that. I guess that was the last good thing that happened to me. I broke a particular cycle that has been repeating (long story). This girl is the one, i knew it from the day i first saw her picture. Fell in love with her from the first time i saw her face to face. And will do anything to make sure she will stay in my life, and i in hers, even if it means
    abandoning my parents and other relatives.

    I don't need that power, i don't even want money. I spent many nights wishing i could change place even with a cripple that has a loving and caring family. Those nights are over. I am not one to gloat, if they will change, i will always open my heart to them.

    I guess this is my biggest flaw. No matter what you do to me, i will always offer you a second, third, even fourth chance. I can't seem to loose this particular trait.

    As for the doctor, right now, because of my failures i have amounted some debt, very little amounts, but it's still debt. I can't, with a clear conscience, use money on myself when i know i have to pay somebody else money. Maybe when i'm more stable financial-wise. Till then, i'll just try my best and hope to overcome it. If not, what's the worse that could happen? I've already hit rock bottom and already wish i had jumped in front of the car when i had the courage to.

    Thank you very much for your words, they really do mean a lot.
     
  4. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    I can completely relate to pretty much everything you're saying, which I guess is good as it means you're not alone with this, but it's not so good because I don't know how to fix it or make you feel better. I could probably spout a load of cliches about how important you are and that you owe it to yourself, blah blah blah, but unless you feel that inside it doesn't matter what I say.

    I'm so glad you've got your girlfriend, who is truly your rock. Although you can't help but forgive them, I personally think that maybe you need to cut out your family already. I'm not sure if you're living with your parents, but if so, is there any way that you can move out? It just doesn't sound like a healthy environment to be in. If you're not living with them, maybe it would be best to just have nothing more to do with them. It doesn't actually deal with the problem, but at least you'd be spared the aggravation and would be able to concentrate on more important things.

    Mim
     
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