Acceptance

[Caster]

I feel like I'm almost to the point of acceptance. I almost feel a sense of relief thinking about suicide. I cried almost everyday for the past several months but the tears have disappeared over the past few days. I still felt tragically sad but the tears wouldn't come. This weekend feels like perfect weekend...no work until Tuesday.

I know I'm only 24 but have come to accept and am ok with dying a virgin, never getting married or having kids. I would never be able to have and support kids anyways. Plus a lot of people say sex is overrated anyways. I'm ok with missing out on a lot that life has to offer, or supposedly has to offer anyways.

I have no friends, so no friends to miss me. I'm a burden to my parents and a pretty worthless human being. Possibly a few people at work would miss me, but that's ok. It's no different than when someone quits....same result, you never see them again.

Not sure what my point is, but has anyone else ever felt this kind of serenity when you feel like you may only have a few days left?

 

[loser]

A few people at work would miss you. Just think about that for a moment, the pain that they feel. You are a very sensitive person. You do not want casual relations. You are only 24. More people than you think are virgins at 24. It is something that people keep quiet about. What is important is your feelings about people and theirs about you. And you do care a bit about those few people at work and they care about you. So relax a bit and get some new interest. Join a choir. Singing is very therapeutic, you develop new interest and make friends. Try it. Try something new and different.

 

[Caster]

Thank you for your help and suggestions.

I've thought about it long and hard over the past half or so.

The unbearable pain and sadness and anxiety only gets worse....I just can only take so much. Tonight will be the night. It's just too late for me. I fought really hard and held on so long but a person can only take so much. There's no one in the real world to talk to about this...I have to do it for myself.

I thank everyone here who tried to help me. I'm going to watch one of my favorite movies tonight and then lay out back and gaze up at the stars and then carry it out. I want to be with my dog Sadie, a German Shepherd, who I lost almost a year ago; she was by far the best friend I ever had and was always there for me.

People will get over my death fairly quickly. Everything will be alright in the end.

 

[Lizzieni]

Sometimes letting go is easier, the pain of those left behind does not exceed your suffering. That's how I feel at the moment - not really a sane opinion!

 

[In Limbo]

What I'm about to say may be conceived as overly critical but bear with me here.

You are in a situation where you feel that you cannot be loved and thus will not be missed. It would be reasonable to say that these feelings come down to the fact that you feel misunderstood as a person, by those around you.

Bearing that in mind - is it not hypocritical to assume to know how those around you would react to your passing?

I thought I would not be missed - when my father found me attempting it broke him.

Please keep talking...my PM box is always open.

 

[Mikeintx]

Caster have you considered checking into a mental health facility? Since you are planning on ending it anyhow what could it hurt? Play it day by day for now, use suicidal ideation now as a coping mechanism until you can find a healthier way to cope, but give yourself another day.... check into a mental health facility and see what happens... good luck with everything, I hope you make it through this.

 

[Caster]

Thanks for the support guys. I passed out from exhaustion and feel a little better now. Better enough to not do anything tonight.

I can't check into a mental health center. I have a job and I'd be mortified if people at work found out. Plus I can't bear telling my parents my feelings. They'd say I was trying to get attention and that I was very selfish. I know that for a fact.

I can't promise anything but I will not attempt tonight.

 

[Caster]

I just thought I'd post back on how I'm doing.

I've realized I don't want to die, and have a fear of death/killing myself, but at the same time I think about it everyday. It's almost a struggle to get through everyday. I keep getting sadder and sadder. I used to have a lot of anger in me but it's all just deep sadness now. I hate having to fight back tears in public.

I'm worried I might snap one day and OD on something if I get temporary insanity, but I hope that doesn't happen. And no one in real life wants to hear it, so it's like I'm trapped. I wish someone could say it'd be ok for me to die. My life has been downhill ever since a little over two years ago. I know no one can help but at least I can type how I feel.

Sorry to vent.

 

[mulberrypie]

hi, caster. i am sooooo unbelievably happy that you decided not to go through with it. you could miss out on a lot of great things. im sorry about what happened two years ago that made life so unbearable for you, but obviously you have some hope remaining and you gotta hold onto it. things change, thats for sure. ps we don't want to die virgins.

 

[n'cest pas]

Caster you are making the right decision not to commit suicide. You do not want to die, You just want a relief from feeling bad. I understand because I feel the same way. As for being "a pretty worthless human being" you are not. Just reading your posts has already helped me tonight. I feel like there is someone else out there that feels a bit like me. I am less alone because you are here. thank you.
You have already done important things in your life. You have cared for Sadie and made her life happy.
Nobody knows when their unique existance will be necessary to help someone, or care for someone. Maybe tomorrow you will be called on to make a difference in the world.

And as for the virgin thing. I am now facing the rest of my life without sex. I lost my soul mate. You have not found yours.

They may be just around the corner. Dont give up on them just yet. You have plenty of time. Be patient. You are stronger than you think.

 

[feathers]

Apparently it is normal for suicidal people to feel elated once the decision has been made to die - understandably, as they accept they aren't going to have to feel the pain for much longer. It is a mistake in hospitals as the most heavily guarded patients decide to commit suicide and appear to feel better to staff, so they reduce the security, obviously making it easier for the person to kill themselves.

So yes, that is normal.

 

[Caster]

Thanks for the support guys.

And Pas, I'm really glad my post made you feel better. It makes me feel better to know that what I wrote actually helped someone feel better. I'm so sorry you lost your soulmate.

I'm happy I made you feel less alone though. Same for me likewise.

 

[solutions]

Wow. Can we get a group hug for the people who are like this guy?

I'm 23, lost both chances to get deflowered, lost who I thought was my soul mate, and although I felt despondent over the fact that I would never have children or marry or get the career I wanted, I accepted it. Then I accepted suicide, and when I was about to go past the point of no return in all my experiences with suicide, I calmed myself down.

Bravo.

 

[n'cest pas]

Hi Caster

Just checking in with you to see how you are going?

 

[Caster]

Thanks Pas. I'd be lying if I said better unfortunately.

Thank you everyone else who too has helped me in the past. But I'm done. I'm almost positive I'm going to commit suicide, but not sure when or how yet.

After what I heard my parents saying today, it was just the final push to confirm my thoughts of being a burden to them. The hateful way they were talking about me confirms that it's not going to be that big a deal. Yeah they'll be upset at first but they'll get it over it.

I know for a fact my dad hates me. My parents have always favored my sister and spoiled her rotten which hurts.

I'm not sure what happened but since last night they've been really cold towards me.

Luckily I have no friends so the only people who'll miss me in real life are probably a few coworkers and maybe a few of my managers. But it'd be the same as if I just quit...I'd never see them again either. I just don't see any other way out. I literally cannot stop crying since I heard my parents conversation about me earlier. Anyways I'm done rambling, but thanks to those who've tried to help me.

 

[Lizzieni]

We are real- we do care! Don't go.x

 

[n'cest pas]

Aren't your co-workers your friends? Or potential friends? Is there any socialising after work? Maybe that will be the way you will meet other people who might become friends. I know it is very hurtful to think your parents do not love you. That is hard to take. But there are literally millions of people you havent met yet. Give some of them a chance to love you. You need to love you! Put it in your head that you are worth making an effort for. Do something for you. Like walking every day. Like joining a social group. You are young. Use your youthful energy. You have nothing to lose. Try something. If it doesnt work, try something else. "Never give up, never surrender" (quote from an old movie called Galaxy Quest)