There is no hope. But I'm completely fine with that. I accept my own death as the definitive problem solver. During the last handful of years of my life, I have been trying to understand what would make death undesirable. What would have made me want to keep on waking up every day. It does not matter now. I don't have a reason to do so. And I don't regret that, I'm actually relieved by the thought of finally giving up and accepting this is the only path I can take. It surely does seem so. I can't see any other path, and even if there are others, I'm not sure I want to take them. This is is just an insight as I am not going to kill myself. I know I won't kill myself for a good time because I'm rationally controlling myself not to, albeit I don't care anymore. But the will is stronger than ever, and it is actually quite comforting. Maybe that's the comfort I need. To know that one day I will find relief. "The gods conceal from men the happiness of death, so that they may endure life"