They say that you can find magic in life if you look for it. I know that the magic has long gone from my life and I mourn for it. I'm well enough now that I think far less about suicide, the fleeting thoughts are few and far between and the distress has eased. My mind though is left scarred like a heart that's gave up. Im left with this deep heavy feeling of emptiness and detachment and a knowing that I have to accept this compromise. I'm back at work, the detachment hangs over me but in a sense helps me function through the day. I lie next to my husband right now and feel detached from him also. I silently blame him for making me feel this way but also question if I feel this way and project it into him to deflect the blame from myself for no longer loving him. If I admit that then I know I need to action it and I don't have that in me. The clearer things are the more I look at my children and see the damage I'm doing, they miss a mum that's always there. I hope that this detachment is a step to recovery. Perhaps it's similar to the recovery room following surgery where you wait to see if you will be okay. I still contemplate whether suicde will be my end one day but for now it's a voluntary thought that I'm in control off without the distress. It floats just out of reach and I own the power to say no, for now I will live. So I will wait in this stop gap and keep on trying. Detachment feels lonely and silent and sad but it's safer for me than the distress and mental pain that threatens to drive me from this life. I hope you are all well. Keep fighting if even for the chance.