Accepting Emptiness

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mentalhealthnurse, Sep 20, 2016.

  1. mentalhealthnurse

    mentalhealthnurse Well-Known Member

    They say that you can find magic in life if you look for it. I know that the magic has long gone from my life and I mourn for it. I'm well enough now that I think far less about suicide, the fleeting thoughts are few and far between and the distress has eased. My mind though is left scarred like a heart that's gave up. Im left with this deep heavy feeling of emptiness and detachment and a knowing that I have to accept this compromise. I'm back at work, the detachment hangs over me but in a sense helps me function through the day. I lie next to my husband right now and feel detached from him also. I silently blame him for making me feel this way but also question if I feel this way and project it into him to deflect the blame from myself for no longer loving him. If I admit that then I know I need to action it and I don't have that in me. The clearer things are the more I look at my children and see the damage I'm doing, they miss a mum that's always there. I hope that this detachment is a step to recovery. Perhaps it's similar to the recovery room following surgery where you wait to see if you will be okay. I still contemplate whether suicde will be my end one day but for now it's a voluntary thought that I'm in control off without the distress. It floats just out of reach and I own the power to say no, for now I will live. So I will wait in this stop gap and keep on trying. Detachment feels lonely and silent and sad but it's safer for me than the distress and mental pain that threatens to drive me from this life. I hope you are all well. Keep fighting if even for the chance.
  2. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    Thank you. /Many hugs
    mentalhealthnurse likes this.
  3. Survivor987

    Survivor987 Member

    You are in control. That is such an empowering place to be when you look back at the depths of despair where we have been. The feeling of detachment, I'm sure, is our minds way of protecting us from hurt whilst we heal. But slowly you will allow yourself to feel again. Which will involve joy and magic but also pain (as is life).
    But for right now you are in place where you can repair in order to move on. Keep fighting for that chance.
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  4. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I also think that detachment is a way to keep us protected while we heal. I think that certain medications have that same effect. When I was at my worst, I took lots of meds that numbed me, but I needed that during the 9 years or so that it took me to heal.

    Though I'm off meds now, I felt that detachment in my relationship because I was with a man who emotionally abused me gradually and consistently for 2 years. I had to detach to save my emotions while we both worked on our relationship. It's a safety measure I think. But I do hope you feel better. I understand how if you admit that you don't love him, you'll be forced to do something about it. I felt the same way the last few years, and I never took action because I just simply didn't have the energy. I really thought this was my lot in life until I had the courage to ask him to leave. My story ended quite differently as he has improved and changed. But it took 2 years. I hope you have some silver lining. Take care xx
  5. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean about wondering if suicide will one day be my end. I have been feeling detached like that lately with occasional thoughts. I think it is a defense mechanism that helps you not become too overwhelmed or anxious when there is so much going on. It is scary at times. I am glad you are choosing to live and feel at least a little relief. Good luck.