accepting g a

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by rogerfeldman, Jun 5, 2015.

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  1. rogerfeldman

    rogerfeldman Member

    I never had much friends. I was bullied in my childhood and people never really enjoyed my company, up until high school, when I made some friends, which later on vanished when I entered college. It can be said that I was cursed with loneliness the day that I was born.

    There was a time in my life when the thought of having a girlfriend never occurred in my mind, I just wanted to have an awesome time with all my pals and meet all kinds of people. These were the best times of my life. I seriously doubt that there'll be better times than these. I think I even developed as a person because of those times.

    They say love comes when you're not looking, they say love happens out of the blue, when you never expect it. Yet, it has been 20 years and it never happened. Every girl I ever talked to never had any interest in me. My life is and has always been full of one sided crushes. They say that "she is out there for me", but I've been waiting my entire life to no avail. People say that "I'm still young", but fact is, this is the best time to find someone. After college(I'm in my sophomore year), you'll find a job(probably) and you'll have almost no time to find someone. No girl ever felt attracted to me, no girl ever showed interest, even though I made my moves. They say that I have to love myself before others, but I've been loving myself for 20 years, and in order to have a relationship you have to be loved by other people, not only yourself. This has nothing to do with seeking validation, it's just fact.

    Every other aspect of my life is slowly turning uninteresting, nothing seems good anymore, I no longer find joy in anything in my current life, expect those years in high school when my life was joyful. They say that "accepting the situation is the path to happiness". How do I accept that I'm going to die alone? How do I accept the fact that, despite the fact that I am one of the most interesting, caring, loving people out there, no one will care enough to look through my introverted exterior? And no, don't tell me that it will all be alright and that someone will love me. It's pretty clear that this is not the case... I just really need to accept this fact...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You cannot look into the future you just can't who is to say you won't meet someone at your work place
    Many people that do not meet their soul mates until late 30s when they are established in a career more stable and can offer someone that stability as well
  3. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    I have several married friend who had never had a relationship at 20, or 22 or even 24. You are wrong that 20 (or younger) is the best time to find someone to be with - the very vast majority of relationships that start in the teens or early twenties fail.

    If finding a girlfriend is important to you, you need to take an honest evaluation of yourself. Are you someone that has things to offer to a girl? I am sure a lot of people trot out the "someone will love you for who you are if you just wait" lines, but the fact is that when people are looking for a relationship they are looking for a partnership - maybe the things that people want from someone else are different, but everyone wants something. What are you bringing to the table? And if the answer is that you don't know, are not sure, then it is probable that the girls you are making moves on are not sure either.

    So what are you bringing to the table? (just so I better know what the situation is so i can give the best advice/opinion I am able)
  4. rogerfeldman

    rogerfeldman Member

    Well, I just want what everyone else wants: a stable relationship with the right girl. Evaluating myself, I think I have all the required qualities: I'm a supportive, caring, loving, protective(not clingy or controlling) guy. I'm not an ultra-confident alpha male, I'm not a walking bag of self-assuredness like the majority of people, I'm confident when I have to be, and I don't believe that confidence(even though all people should have a baseline-level of this) is everything people should look for in a partner. Perhaps the worst thing is that I'm an introvert(I only put myself out there when I have to, I only talk when I have something to say), I don't exhude positivity and confidence(only with the right crowd), and girls only want the extroverts, the life of the party, the social butterflies, the ones who talk even when they don't have anything to say.
  5. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    I don't agree with you that girls only want the social butterflies at all - introverts make up a significant portion of the population and they are far from all being alone. That said, for someone to fall for you they have to know you, to know you they have to talk to you.

    Supportive caring loving etc are great, but they are also only the bare requirements in a partner. Much like people applying for a job saying "I am reliable, honest and hardworking" - well yes - those are the basic requirements, but why you and not 1000 other applicants? Why you and not 1000 other guys?

    Much like a job application, looking for a partner is often about working on yourself to give yourself a more competitive edge. Do you have a job? Hobbies? Passions? What are you doing for fun? If its not activities that involve people (girls) then how can you meet people (girls) with similar hobbies and passions? Girls you can spend time with and share things with? If you don't have a job, how can you afford to do things together and how can she be sure that she isn't going to end up supporting you financially? Girls like independence more than they like confident - men who want them, not need them.

    So what are you bringing to the table apart from the bare minimum requirements of a decent guy - supportive caring loving protective are great - but they are also only like "I show up" when looking for a job.
  6. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    99 % of "stable" relationships are over before 25 , 75% of marriges at 20 end in divorce. Sorry- is not at all the "best time" to get into a realtionship.

    Get your mind off relationships and on meeting people, dating if you choose for the fun of dating and social interactions, etc. Try to get back to the you that was enjoying friends and leave getting married and stable relationships until after college when actually ready for it and at the same time start enjoying life again. 20 is not near old enough to be worried about too late for love- most the world would be better off it they forgot about love until several years later to avoid the vast majority of heartbreak and loss in late 20's from realizing you are involved with the wrong person because you became involved before you knew what you wanted for a future. Most the girls your age likely realize this as well meaning that you are looking for something they don't want making what you are looking for near impossible to find.

    Degree or job and start of career- direction and purpose in life , a place to live of your own and a car, these are all nice things to have because while the intangibles are the stuff of fairy tales the tangibles make life a lot easier. You are still in college- near impossible to have the tangibles as a full time student. Those are what make for stability as "love and sincerity" are not really great at paying bills and keeping those stressors away.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 6, 2015
  7. rogerfeldman

    rogerfeldman Member

    At my age(20), girls don't care about a guy having a job or being independent, since they're neither of those, and it becomes just a bonus, not a deal-breaker. So no, they prefer a guy who's confident and fun to hang around with. I'm not sure why you mentioned it as if it were a deal-breaker. Almost no one in college has a job(some of them have part time ones, yeah), dating is not at all like a job interview. At this age, they're not going to ask for my resume or my transcript to see if I have past job experience or a high GPA. Your argument would be valid if I was in my mid to late 20's.

    Girls, at this age, just want a guy who's fun to be around with, rather than book-smart(personality-wise, or even "job-smart") responsible. And yes, they all flock to the social butterflies, they don't want an introvert an inch near them. They want instant gratification, they don't bother to get a conversation flowing, because they're expecting a guy to do that, they expect a guy to do all the talking, because, according to them, "it's the guy's job", and introverts, by definition, block that, since they talk only when they have something to say.

    Despite this, I'm going to bring up more stuff to the table: I'm in college in a math degree, I work part-time as a statistician. My hobbies: reviewing video games, martial arts(jujutsu, the traditional one), I enjoy concerts of most kinds of music and I play piano and guitar.
  8. rogerfeldman

    rogerfeldman Member

    Your last statement is valid if I was in my mid to late 20's. I have a direction and purpose, but, at this age, girls won't ask for independence and financial stability, they will ask for a confident extrovert who's fun to hang out with. Please, I'm in college, not in the real world, the job market.

    Otherwise, your last paragraph is completely true and I agree with it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 6, 2015
  9. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You are discussing love and stable relationships - therefore you are the one aging yourself to late 20's or 30 something. If you are talking about a girlfriend to hang out and have fun with then you are not talking about true love and stable relationships. That is exactly the point where in your initial post you are claiming this is the time to be finding real relationships and your claim you will be dying alone because you do not have- and you have made the point very well- late 20's is when you start considering real relationships and part of real relationships are jobs and place to live. Right now is not time for real relationships- is hanging out and having fun- something you could do easily based on social past if not giving off a "serious relationship " vibe.

    Because is not time for that and even you are saying so yourself - the girls your age just wanna have fun - there is not serious even though a good many try to convince themselves it is (and vast majority proven wrong a couple years later and looking back 10 and 20 years later realize it was just a fun fling, same as my high school school girlfriend I was "in love with" and moved in out of high school and thought was "soul mate " and "true love" - all it really meant was i missed out on a couple years of dating and hanging out with a lot of people by convincing myself that was what I "should be doing".

    Cant have it both ways where asking for true love and saying because you haven't found it at 20 you never will and then few paragraphs later explaining how immature girls that age are only interested in fun and good time with an extrovert, not thinking about the things that are involved in a serious relationship. If they are not interested in the things involved in a serious relationship, then it is not "you" that is the problem- it is you need to either date girls 7-10 years older that are interested in serious (in which case you do not have the prerequisites) or accept you are the age to have fun and hang out- not find a serious relationship and not say due to lack of serious relationship now you will never find it. Unless the goal is to have a series of failed relationships until hitting that late 20's and ready for the real thing (which would be a very emotionally painful way to go.
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