When I first joined this forum, 2 and a half years ago, there were a few people I that I came to talk to and vent my feelings. One of these people was Shelby. I won't say her username, those who know her know who I am talking about. We were both troubled, both had problems with depression, suicide, and self-harm. However while I came to get better and eventually recover, she got worse. There were many horrible things that happened to her in a short time-span, it was just too much. I wont say what happened specifically, I don't think she would approve of that for obvious reasons. However what did happen pushed her over the edge. I had talked her out of suicide many times over the years, and she had talked me out of quite a few things. We cared about each other. To get better, one must want to get better. She didnt, not anymore. She was lost, and there was nothing I could say or do when she finally texted me Goodbye a few weeks ago. It was final, and when she finally told me why, I understood. I was shocked, I was scared. I tried calling her, texting her, but she never responded. I was numb, I didnt know what to feel, I blamed myself because I didnt talk her out of it, like it was my fault that she killed herself. Soon rational thoughts returned, I realized that there was nothing I could have done and in a way I moved on. But the thoughts never went away, they lurked in a dark corner of my mind, locked away. It is now, a month later that I must finally accept the possibility of the unthinkable. She's safe. It could mean shes in a hospital getting stabilized, or it could mean that she finally got what she wanted, and death has made her happy where life did not. I do not know either way, but I have to accept that I may never know. I have to truely move on. . It isnt worth it, it never was. Too much of my life has been spent wallowing in self-pity, or stressing out over things I can't change. No wonder I had a nervous breakdown, no wonder my depression turned into suicidal thoughts and eventually into actions. I look back at my life and all I see is my baffling tendencies to make the worst out of ever possible situation, making myself miserable because I thought I deserved it, looking over my shoulder at school and thinking everyone was out to get me, everyone hated me. All of it is my fault, my pain and suffering, I caused all of it. I have a good fucking life, comparing it to Shelby, or most people on this forum, and I have it easy. I havent been abused verbally or physically. I live in a nice Condo, I have a comfortable bed, a awesome computer, a decent sized T.V, food and drink whenever I want. There are things that arent so great. My Dad is a mess, he is going to lose his job, he's trying to get disability, he's a manic sociopath that just so happens to have the same exact mental disorders that I have and on top of that many physical health issues that make his life a living hell. And now I'm afraid that I am also a manic sociopath, because every other of his mental disorders have been passed down to me. Its amazing that through all this, I havent even thought of suicide, havent self-harmed once and I stopped getting high weeks ago. I must be doing something right, but what that is continues to elude me.