accidentally on-purpose?

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by MoAnamCara, Feb 22, 2012.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    How deep is too deep? So the blood doesn't stop? Until I pass out? Wonder why I bother cleaning what I use ? Crazy thoughts tonight :(
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    dear Mo...please take care...
    my heart goes out to you :arms:
    I so wish I could ease your pain
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Any deep is too deep...please take care of yourself today
  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Other thoughts today

    going off the road around this one corner with a steep embankment on the right

    "falling" down the basement stairs

    going to some nasty bar and buying whatever illegals are on sale and ingesting

    playing frogger on the highway

    but these aren't self harm...... how completely illogical and selfish of me for thinking this way. As for si, yeah, it would be nice not to go there. To not feel sometimes. Meanwhile the world goes on, just one more person lost. Lost in life, from beliefs, from myself.

    I contacted someone today, not knowing what to say or how to say what I wanted/needed to. When they called I discounted any urgency or need. This is typical for me. I don't understand how I struggle so hard to try and to reach out, but when caring is offered I run and hide. Am I better doing this on my own, coping the ways I cope, not feeling reliant on anyone and therefore vulnerable?
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    How are you doing Mo?
    I hope you did not do any of the things above
    It's taken me years to believe I am worth asking for help and being comfortable with it
    still not completely ''there''
    keep reaching out and keep trying *hug*
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I need to stop tonight. I need a way to release, something else to try. I don't know what to do. I feel numb yet in knots internally. Theres no one for me to talk with, I'm trying to relax, took meds. They aren't working. I have this anger burning inside of me, perhaps rage is more accurate.

    Rage, yes, lots of rage. At myself, at the disease, at our morality, at my inabilities.

    I hate this.
  7. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Wish I could help but I cannot, I can just offer to talk and chat tonight.
    Anger can be a good motive force if you control and channel it.
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Yes, I realize it's up to me, no one else. Sorry. Silly post, but thank you.
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