Accomplishments mean aboslutely nothing

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Pioneer, Nov 21, 2011.

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  1. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    I'm in a pretty dark place now. I've gone through 7 yrs of schooling, got a BS in engineering and working on a MS. I've worked for the DoD as a researcher all across the country. Everywhere I've worked everyone has nothing but good things to say about me. I've been given rewards for hard work, recommendations, and job offers. I feel respected and loved by my friends and the professors that I work with. Yet I'm on the verge of death. Normaly I should be living life and getting better but I have become engulfed in hatred. It was the only thing my father ever gave to me, hatred, and it consumes and destroys. Everyday I struggle to live, to contain this self hatred, and to act like nothing is wrong. And everyday I slip further and further into a consuming darkness. I no longer care about the people around me, my hopes and dreams, and what my future is. All I see is hatred and death.

    I have become obsessed with my death to the point where I'm learning as much about suicide as I can. I read the post of suicidal people on various websites, watch videos on the effects of suicide, and have bought books on suicide and what happens n the afterlife. I have a method and a plan, I fell I can carry it away anytime now. And now I'm starting to keep my weapon on me all the time except for when at school incase I get another strong impulse that I'm starting to have.

    I've been off my medication and away from therapy for a half year now. I'll go back to therapy next month though. Not to get help but to have someone document my last thoughts, so that I understand what I'm going through before my death. I've gotten really cold these past few years, incapable of smiling, not caring, and not reacting. Its like I'm already gone.
  2. Mirikun

    Mirikun Well-Known Member

    I think ''accomplishments'' are overrated by society! It often bothers me when people try to comfort me by listing all the ''good things'' I've done in my life. Doesn't change how we feel!

    I think maybe going back into therapy would be a good idea. Having someone to talk to honestly about yourself is always relieving, I find. And maybe meds would help again? Just for a little while even to get you back into the swing of things.

    I feel the exact same way about death/suicide. It's something I've found myself completely obsessed and fascinated by. Like it's the one thing that can get my mind of all the stuff that bothers me about my life.
  3. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    The only thing I want in life is to be contempt. But I'm missing something to make me that way. I know what I'm missing but I don't want to find it anymore. I feel that I dwell in regret for too much of my time. I'd rather do anything else with my time but I can't budge. I cannot move forward because my own mind is holding me back, keeping me down, and taking my confidence. This shell is like 200 feet of concrete surrounding me.
  4. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    Your accomplishments mean nothing?

    First of all, they do mean something. Whether they matter to you at this very moment, over the past week, or at any point in the past month would be a different discussion topic. But your accomplishments mean something to other people right now, and may be significant to you down the road. If I knew you at all, I'd probably say that your successes are in fact likely to be significant to you in the future. But, of course, I don't know how you've reacted to achievements prior to the slump in your mood a few years ago.

    Now, backtracking, forget about what you've accomplished in your life. Nothing is taken away from your ability to accomplish goals in the future or your prowess in impressing others enough to have them offer you jobs and recommend you to their peers. That's just from the few sentences you've written that weren't related to your symptoms of anhedonia.

    So the real difficulty you're having isn't grappling with the notion that "accomplishments mean absolutely nothing." The issue you seem to be having is that you are without treatment for a mental health condition.
  5. DrNick1010

    DrNick1010 Well-Known Member

    I've had a pseudo-plan for quite awhile and obviously it's a bad thing, but it's especially bad because it really creates a filter in your daily life. My plan isn't so much a plan like you're talking about, but it's kind of a series of suicide ultimatums, such as "if this...than this..." If this doesn't happen by X days/months/years... That plan is absolute garbage. I know how incredibly trite and cliche it is for me to say this, but taking one day at a time is actually good advice. It sounds like you've already done a lot and that's quite admirable in my opinion, but try as best you can to avoid making any suicide plans. You don't have to feel bad for not feeling better right away, just take it a day at a time. Get one of those 365 day calendars and everyday you tear off another sheet, know that that's an accomplishment on its own. Hope this helps, and I hope you get better.
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