I'm in a pretty dark place now. I've gone through 7 yrs of schooling, got a BS in engineering and working on a MS. I've worked for the DoD as a researcher all across the country. Everywhere I've worked everyone has nothing but good things to say about me. I've been given rewards for hard work, recommendations, and job offers. I feel respected and loved by my friends and the professors that I work with. Yet I'm on the verge of death. Normaly I should be living life and getting better but I have become engulfed in hatred. It was the only thing my father ever gave to me, hatred, and it consumes and destroys. Everyday I struggle to live, to contain this self hatred, and to act like nothing is wrong. And everyday I slip further and further into a consuming darkness. I no longer care about the people around me, my hopes and dreams, and what my future is. All I see is hatred and death. I have become obsessed with my death to the point where I'm learning as much about suicide as I can. I read the post of suicidal people on various websites, watch videos on the effects of suicide, and have bought books on suicide and what happens n the afterlife. I have a method and a plan, I fell I can carry it away anytime now. And now I'm starting to keep my weapon on me all the time except for when at school incase I get another strong impulse that I'm starting to have. I've been off my medication and away from therapy for a half year now. I'll go back to therapy next month though. Not to get help but to have someone document my last thoughts, so that I understand what I'm going through before my death. I've gotten really cold these past few years, incapable of smiling, not caring, and not reacting. Its like I'm already gone.