I'm feeling relieved. I have come to the decision that I am going to enjoy the fact that ECT has helped my constant suicidal ideation and will continue to have it. I will enjoy my job while I still have it. I will not worry that my boss will fire me for having depression or utilizing our company insurance for said depression...even though he said he would let people go for those two things. Anyway when worse comes to worse and I lose my job, my ace in the hole is suicide. I will no longer agonize over the decision I will do it, knowing that this will be the best outcome for everyone in the long run. I guess it seems a bit bittersweet but i have thought and thought and this seems the best solution. So I am relived to enjoy the time I have left.