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I don't know why I came here, first of all. I just need someone, anyone who understands how I feel and what I go through on a day-to-day basis.
I'm not consistently depressed; at least, that's what I tell myself. I hide from the pain and I hide from the constant ache in my chest that screams YOU ARE NOT HAPPY and that the happy I feel is basically a lie. And usually, I can hide those feelings from everyone, bury it all deep inside...but as soon as someone hurts me, they all come rushing to the surface and it feels so intensely painful, I cannot stand it and I contemplate suicide for days. Pills in hand, sometimes. And I keep trying to find things to make me feel useful, to make my life feel worthwhile. But nothing seems to consistently work.
By all accounts, my life should be perfect. My relationships are fine, I have a loving boyfriend, my finances are fine for a college student, I have plans to go to medical school and everything, but I feel this crushing misery all the time. And it's been this way for a long time. I don't know what to do anymore. There is no one I can talk to who won't freak out and put me in a hospital, which I do NOT want. Not my parents, not my boyfriend, not my friends.
It feels sort of pathetic for me to turn to the internet for help, but I need something to help me get out of this.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
You are not pathetic you are sad and you are strong for reaching out for help
Stress can lead to depression you don't need any reason to be depressed either could be just a chemical imbalance and meds can fix that. just like insulin can fix an imbalance antidepressants fix the imbalance of serotonin and dopamine in the brain Meds will give you more energy i found anyways and bring you back to that self you knew before depression hugs
I think that they usually don't put you in the hospital unless they think you are an immediate danger to yourself or others.

I think it is a common thing that if you have one negative thing happen to you, it brings back a rush of memories of other negative things, and you can get overwhelmed.

Therapy might help.

I think that you could talk to a therapist without being put in the hospital.
I think that some therapists will charge on a sliding scale basis. I think that there are some community centers that offer cheap therapy. Group therapy is often cheaper.

Your school may have a councilor that you can see for free

you could try calling a crisis line, maybe they would have some info about therapy options

do you think it's possible that you could get to a point where you are able to tell your parents that you are seeing a therapist?


Well-Known Member
I know my college does have a therapy center, and I may check into that...

There is no way I can ever tell my parents. They're pretty much the main reason for me needing the therapy in the first place.... I've had a really tough time with my parents in the past and if I ever try to bring anything up with them about how I feel, I get mocked and ridiculed...so I have taken from that to never tell anyone anything. It's impossibly difficult just admitting I need help for the suicidal thoughts and these depressed feelings. I tried talking to my boyfriend about it tonight; he basically didn't respond to it at all. He was my last hope for someone close to me to understand what I'm going through and maybe help me get through this on my own. I feel closer to suicide than I ever did.


Well-Known Member
I just keep hiding it. Today, my boyfriend just seemed concerned, but I didn't want him to know about it anymore... I don't want anyone to know anymore. It's getting worse though. Today I tried to eat something because he begged me to eat...but it was tasteless... I fed most of it to my dogs. I'm spiraling so quickly, and I don't even care to hide it anymore. But I feel like I have to. If my parents find out, they'll flip their shit. If any of my other friends find out, I'll get treated differently. I feel so alone.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Hun you don't have to be alone though okay reach out to the school councillor and talk to someone it will help IT will kept confidential You need help so please reach out and get it don't fight this alone not when there is help there hugs


Well-Known Member
You sound like me a couple of years ago, so scared of what was happening and not wanting anyone to know. I'd guess you need antidepressants and therapy - whatever you can get.
Despite my fears, most of the people were completely lovely and supportive- if not ideal. I'd guess your boyfriend just doesn't know what to do - unfortunately most people don't! It doesn't mean they don't care. I'd recommend the ruby wax time for change videos on YouTube for your lved ones. I think they're good at explaining it to those who have no idea.
The crisis lines are super lovely and supportive and able to direct you to local help(in the Uk anyway).
Please do reach out to your college therapy or any centres near you. It will make all the difference, just like people here, you'll realise you're not alone.x
do you have health insurance? I think that you may be able to use it without your parents finding out that you have. I don't know the details, but maybe your school councilor will know, or maybe a crisis line.
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