I don't know why I came here, first of all. I just need someone, anyone who understands how I feel and what I go through on a day-to-day basis. I'm not consistently depressed; at least, that's what I tell myself. I hide from the pain and I hide from the constant ache in my chest that screams YOU ARE NOT HAPPY and that the happy I feel is basically a lie. And usually, I can hide those feelings from everyone, bury it all deep inside...but as soon as someone hurts me, they all come rushing to the surface and it feels so intensely painful, I cannot stand it and I contemplate suicide for days. Pills in hand, sometimes. And I keep trying to find things to make me feel useful, to make my life feel worthwhile. But nothing seems to consistently work. By all accounts, my life should be perfect. My relationships are fine, I have a loving boyfriend, my finances are fine for a college student, I have plans to go to medical school and everything, but I feel this crushing misery all the time. And it's been this way for a long time. I don't know what to do anymore. There is no one I can talk to who won't freak out and put me in a hospital, which I do NOT want. Not my parents, not my boyfriend, not my friends. It feels sort of pathetic for me to turn to the internet for help, but I need something to help me get out of this.