Actively Planning

[fromthatshow]

So I decided to start actively planning suicide again. Not for the immediate future, but something to accomplish within the next year or two.

Why?

1. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Nothing brings me joy... and my Mom has expressed that within the next year or two, I should be going to school or getting a full-time job. Seeing as how I can't imagine either of these things, I need an out.
2. I am on medication and going to therapy. My therapist is wonderful but it doesn't change the gut-wrenching panic that is my every second of every day without a seconds release. The panic attack started in March, and it never ended! It will end when I end!

There is no future for me. Only when I have suicide for a future can I think clearly.
I've been researching methods all over the internet, and in any book I can find that might help, such as The Final Exit. I wish more people were sympathetic to those who wish to end there lives at my age, 19. I've visited all these websites that are for assisted-suicide for those with terminal illness. Well fuck I wish I had one of those! My doctors are telling me to "wait it out" for the medications I'm on because I'm young and they don't want to exhaust all their options. Well I fucking need something stronger! I take percocets to calm me. They seem to work for now, but they'd never prescribe them to me, because I'm not in physical pain. Emotional pain is so much worse! I figure since I've got some time and I'm not in "immediate danger," I can figure out the best way to do it to ensure a peaceful death.
I'll remain open to new ideas. If something comes along and it works for me, I'd definitely change my mind, but seeing as how I have no hope that anything will work and nothing really has, I'm still planning for suicide as of now.

 

[headcrash]

please consider very well. seen backwards in some years from now things can change. I' ll pray for you tonight before I sleep (if at all) if I may......

 

[Rosenrot]

Don't give up, dude.

Really, my parents thought I'd be a genius because I was so smart as a kid, they thought I'd be in a university by now, look at me, though, I'm working part time. It pays rent and I can still save up money for another day.

Don't lean too much on what your parents expect of you. Hopefully they understand what you're going through, it's especially hard to find full-time employment at 19, shit, let alone part time sometimes..

You sound really smart, reading alot of your posts, and I know you can find a way to make things better.

 

[Dave_N]

Hi Spencer. Please don't give up man. Just try your best to find a job and see how it goes. :hug:

 

[gentlelady]

Spencer, I want you to take all the energy you spend figuring out ways to suicide and use it on figuring out how to stay alive. I know you are on meds and in terapy. Don't plan for your end, even if it is in the future. You deserve to give yourself better. :hug:

 

[seven]

Happiness is a funny thing. It isn't always found where expected. What I am trying to say is don't give up yet. Stay safe. :hug:

 

[Petal]

Spencer:ohmy: No!!!!!!


I'll miss you you

I just PM'D you, please reply x

:wub: you!

 

[~Tosh~]

i guess nothing i say will make any difference to what your doing spencer, but you really are all i have left friend wise, that i havent pushed away... so if i loose you, ive lost everything... :cry:

Please reconsider.....

 

[Stranger1]

Have you thought about maybe doing volunteer work at first to ease yourself back into the main stream and getting use to being around people? Or maybe if you like animals you could try your local humane society. They can always use people to help with walking and playing with the animals to keep them from going stir crazy.
You should stop the percoset, it has alot of aspirin in it and can cause your stomach lining to rupture from long time use. It also can cause ulcers.
I hope you reconsider harming yourself!! You are a very active part of this community and would be sorely missed!!~Joseph~

 

[fromthatshow]

Thank you Joseph, and everyone else :wub:

I do work part-time... enough to pay for therapy, cigarettes, and drugs.

I'm not leaving in the near future, I just can't see myself alive in the next year or two.

I want to figure something out, but I have no guidance, help, motivation. I wish I had a cheerleader. I know you guys can be that, but where do I start? I'm so scared :nerves:

 

[cinZamurai]

I'm scared too iloveyou, Anxiety can get high and things feels out of hand but keep on it, lets try. One of these days we are going to be happy that we held on :smile: :hug:

 

[snowraven]

Plan to live mate. You have a lot of great qualities. What about your music? Do you not enjoy that?

 

[fromthatshow]

I'm scared too iloveyou, Anxiety can get high and things feels out of hand but keep on it, lets try. One of these days we are going to be happy that we held on :smile: :hug:

:hug:


I sometimes enjoy my music. I can't imagine doing it all my life though. I just feel so trapped.

 

[fromthatshow]

My mom is pushing me again to get a full time job.
I am so lost.
I'm thinking ... peace corps, monastery maybe. I need to fucking do something. I'm just so clueless on how to start. Maybe school with government grants or scholarship or something seeing as I have no money.
I need guidance. I wish I had that.
I'm scared.

 

[Dave_N]

You have to figure out what it is you would really like to do full-time and go for it spencer. You don't want to get stuck in a full-time job that you hate. :hug: