So I decided to start actively planning suicide again. Not for the immediate future, but something to accomplish within the next year or two. Why? 1. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Nothing brings me joy... and my Mom has expressed that within the next year or two, I should be going to school or getting a full-time job. Seeing as how I can't imagine either of these things, I need an out. 2. I am on medication and going to therapy. My therapist is wonderful but it doesn't change the gut-wrenching panic that is my every second of every day without a seconds release. The panic attack started in March, and it never ended! It will end when I end! There is no future for me. Only when I have suicide for a future can I think clearly. I've been researching methods all over the internet, and in any book I can find that might help, such as The Final Exit. I wish more people were sympathetic to those who wish to end there lives at my age, 19. I've visited all these websites that are for assisted-suicide for those with terminal illness. Well fuck I wish I had one of those! My doctors are telling me to "wait it out" for the medications I'm on because I'm young and they don't want to exhaust all their options. Well I fucking need something stronger! I take percocets to calm me. They seem to work for now, but they'd never prescribe them to me, because I'm not in physical pain. Emotional pain is so much worse! I figure since I've got some time and I'm not in "immediate danger," I can figure out the best way to do it to ensure a peaceful death. I'll remain open to new ideas. If something comes along and it works for me, I'd definitely change my mind, but seeing as how I have no hope that anything will work and nothing really has, I'm still planning for suicide as of now.