Actually I am Not Worth It

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Forgotten_Man, Mar 1, 2012.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    You know, I often times wonder about people. So many people out there tell me that I need to go out there and try to change and fix myself. Then I am stuck with the realization that it is all a matter or perception. I mean, why am I the one who is broken? So many people like to talk about fate. However, fate is only convenient when it does not justify suicide. Like my recently adopted idea that if life was worth living. That is the experience I would have had with life. It is hard to refute that kind of thinking. I mean yeah sure people will throw out "It wasn't meant to be" if you get dumped by a girl you really like or if you do not get a job you really want or if you are to slow to get something. However, the moment I say "I wasn't meant to be happy" people go off the deep end talking about how fate is crap.

    Well I am sticking to that. I mean it allows me to justify not changing anything. Yes I know that people will tell me if I do not do anything then nothing will change. However, I have to wonder why do I have to do anything? I mean why do I have to work to conform to the world around me? Why can't the world work for me? I mean if I am so wrong why doesn't someone come in and try and change me? After all, I am clearly broken. So if it is so wrong for me to be broken. Why don't you fix me? I just do not get it to be honest.

    Everyone will tell me I am broken. Everyone will tell me I need to be fixed. Yet no one wants to fix me. All the fixing has to fall to me. Why is that, I mean if you think that fixing me would be a good thing. Why can't you put forth a little effort to fix me? No the fixing always comes to me. You need to go out and fix yourself. That is all I am ever told. People never want to put forth the effort into fixing me. So why would I want to put forth effort into fixing myself? I mean if I was really worth it like everyone says. Why not fix that something that is worth it? It is kind of funny to think about it.

    I mean people tell me I am worth it. Well I must not be worth much because no one wants to put forth the effort to try and fix me. They tell me that I am worth it and that I need to change. However, no one wants to help me. They all tell me that the change has to come from me. What they are really telling me is that I am actually worthless. Because if I was worth it. Then people would want to change me. They would want to fix me. However, they all hide behind the shield of "The change has to come from you".

    So at the end of the day. I can see myself as worthless. I can see everyone as lying to me... you know because if I was worth the effort then they would want to make the effort. However, I am not worth the effort so clearly I am not worth anything. So I am going to relish my new job. Where I can stay inside all day and only come out for food and the gym. Even then, the food will end up being very few because I plan on cooking at home as often as I come. Then I will sit back and laugh at all those people who tell me things will start to look up. I will laugh until the day I kill myself.
  2. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    You're not worthless here. And posting here is an act of fixing yourself.

    I'm broken, too. I'm an emotional cripple and each day is a struggle to not say"screw it all"

    Yes, I feel unwanted, occasionally I get a call or an email asking how I am. I go to therapy, I go to group, those are activities to help myself, and no one has suggested I do it all at once.

    I'm .glad no one is trying to fix me, it means I have tie freedom to say "Aw, just f*** off" See, I do have people trying to fix me, the problem is that the only fix they know is what works for them. More vitaman D. Go for a walk. Be more active in group. Read this book. Get a pet. Go to church.And I get pat solutions because most people realize that what I've seen, what I've thought, what I've been through, are all experiences that they have no clue about. so they have no accurate way to address them.

    My crisis is looking at the tools that will end my life and hearing them call me. Their crisis is forgetting to put a bill in the mailbox.

    Keep posting here. We care, and will do everything to support and encourage you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 1, 2012
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    [b[@1Lefty[/b]: More and more it is easier to adopt the belief that if I was worth something then I would feel that way. Sadly I do not. :confused: I do not really understand how posting here is an act of fixing myself. I have long since given up on fixing myself. I post here because it is a good place to vent. Plus on occasion I get to have a good discussion. I am beyond repair. I knew that the second I started hoping my kitty would die sooner rather than later.

    I have been quiet with my depression and suicidal tendencies. So I get no communication. I only get the spoken too whenever my sister is coming to town. Otherwise I pretty much do not exist. My family is no more aware that I even left the house, much less that I want to die. Trying to open up has proved pointless. I am not a priority in any of my family members' lives so after about a week they become too busy and that is that. So I am hoping one day they will ask me about friends and I can go off on a rant about how worthless everyone is. That will be fun. Otherwise no one offers up ideas or solutions to me. Like I said I only hear from one sibling when she is coming to town. The other one I am barely aware that she even exists.

    True enough people do not sit down to take me into consideration. At the end of the day we can only suggest what works for ourselves. However, that is not to say that it cannot work for us. Nor does it mean that they cannot sit down and actually put some thought into how they can suggest something in a way that makes sense and agrees with me. Then again in my family I am already doing almost everything that is recommended. Hell I started doing that long before it could even be suggested. So there is no point to any of this.

    I will keep posting on and off. I have nothing of use to say anymore so I will just waste database space, but that is what forums are here for right?
  4. Descendant

    Descendant Account Closed

    Sorry to say but those people you're talking about are exactly right. Only you can change yourself, no one can do it for you, that is just a fact of life. For awhile I had the same outlook on the world "Why doesn't someone come and help me?" But after awhile it became clear that if I waited for someone to come and save me it would never happen, because the reality is no one has the time or strength to put into fixing someone who doesn't want to fix themselves. Everyone has their own problems and struggles going on and asking them to put them aside to solely focus on you is a little selfish.

    It's not wrong to ask for a little of their time to talk about things, but don't demand that they put their entire lives on hold so that they can take care of you and "nurse you back to health". Because in all honesty people have their own lives to deal with full of things that need to be fixed and problems solved, and taking on someone elses problems as well as their own is too much for anyone to handle. Even if they wanted to, they wouldn't know what to do or the magic phrase to say that would bring you out of your depression. And that's why I say that the only person who can truly help you is you. Sorry but that's just the way it is.

    That doesn't mean you're worthless though, there are people who love you and would miss you if you left.
  5. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Dear Unforgotten Man - My intent was not to misunderstand your post, nor to piss you off. I assumed that you were in pain, and maybe, just maybe, accept that you were at least worthwhile enough for me to spend 5 minutes of my time, when it seemed no one else had.

    You seem to be brilliant, and possibly accept that for a moment, your mind is worthwhile? I have a nephew with Down syndrome, there are times I wish he had a higher intellect, maybe like yours. I bet there are millions of people that would love to have your mind and analytical skills.What you want to do with them is your choice,

    I'm not a therapist, don't want to play one, so I can't begin to get into the depth of your thoughts. Maybe if you would kindly break it down into bits I can digest, let me know went on with you. It's pretty clear that something caused your current thoughts. I'm sorry, I don't get the symbols linked to on your photobucket albums.

    Maybe you could let me know your favorite music, band, album, song? Seriously, I like to think I know a lot about music. Prove me wrong. My nephew already turned me onto Ben Harper, and John Butler.

    I guess I'm welcome to my own opinions, and to me you're important.
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @Descendant: So following logic, if I feel my views are the correct ones. Then there is nothing to fix about me. It is everyone else who has a problem with my views, not me. So if I am not wrong then what point is there to fixing myself

    @1Lefty: Minds like mine only cause trouble. They get in the way of the generic views of the masses. We only make thigns worse for regular people. My mind gets in the way of society in general. I hold a lot less value than you want ot belive.

    As for the symbols. You need a QRCode reader to understand them. Not that I really believe them anymore. I will leave them up for a little longer before I take them down.

    As for music... well I do not really have any favorites. I just listen to music in DDR or in anime.. on occasion I venture out into the world of classical music. However, I do not have any particular compser I like or anything like that. I tend to disappoint people with how simple some of my views are. Just another reason why I am not worth the effort
  7. Descendant

    Descendant Account Closed

    I don't really know what you mean by this but I'll try to answer anyway.

    Obviously there is something wrong with you or you would not be posting here, that much can be established. In truth everyone has something wrong with them, or something that could be improved. It's up to you to decide what that is and act on it, or don't. Sure someone can tell you what's wrong with you and how to fix it but they can't force you to do anything about it if you disagree with them.

    Like I said before, no one can help you unless you decide for yourself what needs fixing and take the first steps towards improving that aspect of your life. Once others see you put forth that initial effort they'll be more willing to help you along the way and dedicate more time to you, if that's what you want. But I know the hardest part about doing anything is actually getting started on it and dreading the prospect of failure. I'm still trying to get past that part myself.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 1, 2012
  8. im new but there seems to be people that can relate here-NOBODY knows how u feel but you!-you deserve to be well-you are definitely not worthless-stay strong.
  9. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @Descendant: My point was that I can just say there is nothing wrong with me. I am the one who is correct and sane in the world. Therefore absolving myself of any responsibility to fix myself. It is just that simple. I have to feel that there is something there to fix before I can be fixed. If I feel nothing is wrong then there is nothing wrong. It falls to everyone else to prove me wrong.

    More and more I say there was something wrong with me. However, that is not the case anymore. I feel that all my thoughts and feelings about dying and relationships and all those other things that people have problems with. Are in fact the correct way that everyone should feel. I will admit that there was something wrong with me. I guess now that there is not anything wrong with me. I should pack my bags and leave this forum. After all, people do not need someone who is not broken right?

    @cantthinkofaname:Well good news for me then. I am 100% well, there is nothing wrong with the way I feel. So there is no reason for me to think there is something wrong with me.
  10. Descendant

    Descendant Account Closed

    Well yeah, you could just say to yourself there's nothing wrong but you know you're just lying to yourself, and blatantly, and that accomplishes nothing. It's no ones responsibility to prove there is something wrong with you, that falls to no one, because if you're so committed to denying it what can anyone do to change your mind? Nothing, and so they're not obligated to try.

    You have 2 options; either you accept what you already know and do something about it, or ignore your problmes and continue to suffer. It's really that simple. So far you've chosen the latter in the form of a fantasy world where everyone else are the ones who are mentally unstable, but they aren't the ones posting on a suicide forum, are they?
  11. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @Descendant: Yeah it is true that it is no ones responsibility to prove to me that I am wrong. Then that must mean I am not wrong right? If someone wants to tell me I am wrong they need to prove to me I am wrong. As long asI do not tell them I am wrong or judge them I hold no obligation to prove I am right. Correct?

    I like where option 2 is sending me. To an early grave where my only concerns are whether or not I want to have an open or closed casket funeral.
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