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Actually making the effort to get better.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by TheBLA, Feb 6, 2010.

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  1. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    I have been severely depressed with thoughts of death and suicide for four years now, since I started college in August of 2005 (right when I joined this forum). Since then, I have made almost no effort to get better.

    I had gone to a psychologist and psychiatrist but only for a couple of visits in late 2005 and early 2006 I suppose to appease my parents. In late 2006, I went to a support group for two visits sponsored by DBSA but stopped going. I have also hardly opened up on this forum, I hardly participate here and nobody knows me here, I am invisible here just as in real life.

    I just feel that my depression can never get better and there is no point in trying. I hear that is what happens when you have depression. It really feels like this depression is its own entity that doesn't want you to get rid of it. It claws onto your mind and tries its hardest not to let go. Depression, you've made a nice home in my mind so far, have you enjoyed your long visit? With this depression, I frequently think about things and have told my dad that I wish I was aborted or that I died during birth when I was born premature and very weak in India. Why did he save me and take me to a hospital? Why didn't you just throw me into a ditch? With this depression, I feel like my dad committed a great sin when he and my mother conceived me; that it was the biggest mistake of his entire life.

    I still talk about death and suicide, especially when I was with him on vacation in India last month and all this talk about arranged marriages and my fucking future. So, he is making me go to the DBSA support group meetings again starting tomorrow and to see a psychiatrist on Wednesday. I am not looking forward to these meetings and not holding out hope that they will help. If I am going with such a negative attitude, then how can I get better? I feel like I am only doing it because my dad is making me.

    This depression has sapped me of everything and made me fall further behind in life compared to my peers. I was already an underachieving, apathetic loser and abnormal before this depression hit me four years ago and now its been magnified. It looks like one of my dad's top priorities is to "fix me up" as soon as possible and soon after that, get a job and then get an arranged marriage from some girl in India and then that guy will be pleased as punch. He really wants me to stop talking about how I am depressed and think about death and killing myself.

    I really don't want to go to that support group. I just feel like it will be a waste of time, that I am far too damaged to be fixed and I must commit suicide, I have become too messed up, fallen too far behind, too broken. If I couldn't open up before, how can I do it now? I just don't know what to do. I hope I don't break down and cry in front of them. :sad:
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 6, 2010
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You've just proven that you CAN open up. You've done it here, with this post. And you're not invisible on this forum. You may not talk to a lot of people, but you're still noticed.

    Depression really can be treated so that you feel better. I know a few people who fought depression for a long time but were able to overcome it and live normal lives. It was a struggle; and you're right, part of it is that you have to want to get better. But you're NOT beyond help. Nobody is.

    Is there some form of treatment that you'd rather do, instead of the program that your dad is making you go to?
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Depression is treatable with meds therapy it is just takes right therapist right medication. You reached out here continue to do so take whatever help is available and use it to better you situation okay. Keep posting so people get to know you okay take care
  4. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    I really hope that you are able to find mastery of your mind-field, you seem very brilliant, yet hurting so deeply. I have been stuck for far to long in depression, practicing Yoga has been a big help in this past while and using this site.
    I hope you find something that can awaken that passion within you.
  5. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    Thank you for the replies. I had gone to that group support therapy session. There were very few people there, probably because of Super Bowl Sunday. I was just fine when listening to the others there talking about their weekly updates, how they were feeling and holding up.

    The minute it came to my turn, tears started welling in my eyes and I started to choke up and at the beginning had a very hard time speaking, I was just trying best to choke back my tears but I couldn't. I know its normal to let it all out and you should in these sessions but I just felt so ashamed and embarrassed especially being the only one to cry. But it did feel a bit good to let out that steam, so to speak.

    This session is meant for older adults and I was the youngest one there. On Tuesday, I will attend another session sponsored by the same organization at a different location for young adults. I think I'd actually find myself less comfortable there around my own peers.

    I believe because I'd just end up comparing myself to them, where they have accomplished much more in the same time they have been alive as me, while I lay stagnant behind my peers. I also liked that this session I went to was less than 10 minutes away whereas the other one is half an hour away. I'll give both a try and see which is up my alley.

    I really hope that I won't give up and quit as I did last time at the same young adult therapy I attended three years ago, along with my psychiatrist and psychologist visit. It is a combination of shame and where I feel that I have become screwed up so badly that there is no point in trying to "save" me. This is still probably the depression talking but it has a great grip on me. Maybe now I can finally make a dedicated effort to shake it off for good?
  6. jnine

    jnine Well-Known Member

    "Those who are willing to be vunerable may move among mysteries"
    ~Theodor Roethke

    you can do it Rahul:)
  7. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    Glad to hear that you did get there, and I do hope along with you that you do see the therapy sessions through.
    The mind can be unruly and demand its own way even though the core of our being desires so strongly to be all it can be.
    A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

    Breath easy
  8. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    I went to another support group meeting at another location, farther from my house. This one is geared just for young adults. Unfortunately, there were a lot more people in this group and I just had the last 5 minutes left to speak. The group facilitator did recognize me from when I last came in late 06. All I had time to tell him was that I was depressed but not the reasons why.

    So he thought that I just have chemical depression, he didn't seem to think it was that serious, especially when I told him I was about to graduate from college. When you tell people that, they assume all is right with you when for me, that is the opposite and I am extremely nervous and afraid of my future because of my circumstances. I am not ready. I hope the next visit next week, I will have time to tell them WHY I am depressed, so they know its not chemical. It isn't chemical depression, its purely situational.
  9. jnine

    jnine Well-Known Member

    good for you for planning to go back, sometimes going back is harder than going the first time i hope you will get to say some of what you need for people to understand but if not then try saying it again. words are slippery and subjective, and even people who want to understand sometimes don't

    if you're concerned about having enough time maybe you could practice what you want to say, in a letter to yourself or a journal
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