addicted again i guess...

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by rwillson, Nov 9, 2007.

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  1. rwillson

    rwillson Well-Known Member

    i got clean back in 2000, it was a big deal and it was for the better, my life changed, given it didn't get easier, after getting clean i was diagnosed bipolar and i had had the BDP diagnosis hanging around my neck for some time. but things got better, i felt good, i fell i love with a beautiful girl got engaged. but that was then, the beautiful girl i was engaged to died, shattering this new life that had been created, my disorders progressed, no insurance company would touch me, ended up in a few psych wards and treatment facilities and eventually couldn't work any more and ran out of money (thank you republicans for killing Hillary Clinton's universal health care bill back in the 90's. if it had passed i would still have an inheritance.

    now i haven't gone back to using or partying, but the meds i am on have serious potential for being addictive (xanax, klonopine, daytrana) and one might say i am walking the razors edge, the longer i am on them my tolerance grows and the dosages go up. mentally i don't feel i am becoming addicted but physically is another story. miss dosages, feel like crap, nothing like a benzo withdrawl, the symptoms they are supposed to control come back ten fold. i don't know why i don't go off and medicate myself with half a bottle of xanax, but i don't (i guess i realized if you don't take em properly they won't work properly). i am not looking forward to the day that for some reason the decision is made to remove these various medications from my regime. i dread it, i have been through it before and it was hell. i hate that i have to carry a damn vial of a few pills and i don't like that it is now easier to find excuses to take them, instead of like it was in the beginning, where i would ride it out and use them at a last resort. it's come to where i have problems sleeping without them, as i said if i miss a dose i feel like crap and it has become far to easy to resort to them...

    i don't have ideations of going back to using the drugs i used recreationally, i was never a drinker but if there was cocaine, extacy or steroids around i was all over it. never touched crystal meth, never touched heroine, i do have ideations about the things i never touched before, ideations of going out in a blaze of glory, one injection and it's done...

    i don't know my head is messed up. i used to go to meetings, in L.A. all the time but back in Ohio, i have never been able to connect. AA and NA are very different here, there is a social hierarchy within the meetings, cliques, philosophy that is not welcoming to someone who is introverted or has ideas outside of their thinking. and as for opinions of those who suffer from dual diagnosis psychological issues there is a definite schism what has been proven by science and research and the core beliefs in the 12-step comunity where i live, they are almost seemingly afraid and most definitly hesitant to engage someone with my issues. quite literally the behavior that is omni present creates the same enviroments that used to lead me to detatch, isolate and in the end use...

    i miss L.A., i miss the people i knew who weren't judgemental and understood real issues that people have. i miss my fiance the most, i think that is the only thing i have keeping me from stepping wrong on the razors' edge i walk...

    sorry for ranting, it was just bottled up an needed to come out...

    r...
     
  2. WhyMeWhy

    WhyMeWhy Well-Known Member

    Try to stay in control. I feel much the same as you when it comes down to it. I don't know whom instilled my level of control into me, but I feel lucky to have it, I never used to... but I found it.

    I don't think it's that easy....(one injection). Those are the most addictive things.

    I have been to meetings. Here they are horridly boring & only lead to more use for me. :blink:

    Hmmmm I've always been told that Cali is a better place than where I reside. I'd like to move there. I have relatives there. :biggrin:

    sorry for ranting, it was just bottled up an needed to come out...

    r...[/QUOTE]
     
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