Watched the final episode of The Shield yesterday. Very triggering. What Shane did seems so quick and painless. Can't stop thinking about killing myslef. Guess these thoughts will never go away. I feel addicted to feeling miserable and suicidal, but where's the buzz?
I have felt suicidal 247 and been unable to stop or slow down the thoughts before. Each time, I have been extremely desperate and ended up hospitalizing myself or getting hospitalized because I couldn't take it anymore being alone with those thoughts.
I was thinking of this on the long train home the other day. Addiction to depression or sucidle thoughts and such.
I came to the conclusion that as silly as it sounds is those feelings actually make me feel more alive. When you take it away and you are not depressed but also not happy you just live like a zombie in comparison. The two extreme's of happiness and sadness make you addicted to that feeling over the feeling of nothingness.
Thats just my theory anyway after years of addiction. I can't be just sad, my mind takes that sadness and makes it even deeper and stronger, something more powerful running through my veins.