Addicted to sex now I got no one to talk to

[cricky1989]

I had a girl I loved from 2011 - 2013 time. We talked about marriage and kids we were supposed to have a great life and then she left me for another man.

I convinced myself sleeping with other women would help my heart break. It started fine the first couple times but then I lost control. I spent excessive amounts of time on Tinder, POF, MeetMe, and every kind of dating hookup site you could imagine. I would spend every friday and saturday night going to clubs trying to hook up. My standards were/are incredibly low. I slept with women in college and women in there 60's. I slept with a woman who even had a husband. I couldn't help myself. I started flirting with my best friends girl and started to make out with her when he caught us. He never spoke to me again. After that I tried to stop, I limited myself to just porn but after about a week I tried to find women again. I found a chat website for bbw/ssbbw women and started messaging random women and it started off slow just texting about naughty things we would do. Then I started to arrange meetings for these women and hotel rooms where we would have sex. Word got out I had slept with different women on there now hardly anyone will talk to me.

I am sorry I sound like such a dick but I know what I am doing is wrong. I never told any of these women that I loved them to be fair, I just can't say that ever again. Why does the pain hurt for someone I was with 7 years ago? And how can I stop? I wanted to be a normal family man but I can't erase the things I have done and I don't deserve to have anyone so what is the point now?

 

[sinking_ship]

Hi, welcome to SF. I don't think you sound like a dick. Have you seen a therapist at all? I think for a kind of addiction like this that's more mental than chemical, a therapist would be useful.

It sounds like you haven't tried to build another real romantic relationship in this time? Do you have other people in your life who you are close to, friends and family?

 

[cricky1989]

No I don't know I have never been able to really talk about feelings or issues I have. I am terrible at social skills it's why I can be so open online.

It's not like I didn't want to but every time I even try to think about it I end up comparing everything now to then. Honestly no, all my friends abandoned me around the time I tried to sleep with my best friends girl. I was an only child to only child parents so there literally is no one for me to even speak to.

 

[Gonz]

You say that you know what you're doing is wrong but the only actual wrong that I see was sleeping with the married woman, and trying to with your friends girlfriend. I'll leave it to you to decide how to deal with/feel about those. The rest is, morally at least, pretty neutral.

That isn't to say that it isn't harmful. But there is a difference. I'd say you likely need help with sex addiction, but you don't need to punish yourself for it. You don't need to give up on what you wanted out of life, being a family man. You just need to get help.

As for why you're still hurting over this woman from the past, I can speculate. You haven't allowed yourself to have actual feelings for any other woman out of fear of being hurt again. But your unwillingness to risk future hurt is keeping you trapped in your past pain. Look, maybe you will get burned again, but at least you'll also have some reprieve from this pain and then move on to exciting new pain. If nothing else, you'll be no worse off than you are now.

 

[cricky1989]

You say that you know what you're doing is wrong but the only actual wrong that I see was sleeping with the married woman, and trying to with your friends girlfriend. I'll leave it to you to decide how to deal with/feel about those. The rest is, morally at least, pretty neutral.

That isn't to say that it isn't harmful. But there is a difference. I'd say you likely need help with sex addiction, but you don't need to punish yourself for it. You don't need to give up on what you wanted out of life, being a family man. You just need to get help.

As for why you're still hurting over this woman from the past, I can speculate. You haven't allowed yourself to have actual feelings for any other woman out of fear of being hurt again. But your unwillingness to risk future hurt is keeping you trapped in your past pain. Look, maybe you will get burned again, but at least you'll also have some reprieve from this pain and then move on to exciting new pain. If nothing else, you'll be no worse off than you are now.

Yes but it is now consuming my life. I pretty much just work and then try and set up sexual meetings with women online.

I don't even know who or where a sexual addiction expert would be.

I know but I put so much trust in this woman. Spent weeks and months up every night crying about someone that didn't even care enough to tell me she didn't want to be with me. I guess I just kind of morphed into someone I felt I had to be. I want a wife don't get me wrong but I feel like I am just broken. My mind goes to sex instead of relationship and even when the idea of catching feelings for one of them comes into my head I delete there numbers.

 

[Gonz]

Yes but it is now consuming my life. I pretty much just work and then try and set up sexual meetings with women online.

Yeah, I get that. But, you know, there's all kinds of addictions, and all kinds of people whose lives have been consumed by them, and all kinds of people who have managed to get past them.

So yeah, it'll be fuckin' hard but, in theory at least, you can get past this with time and effort. Now whether theory can be put into practice is up to you.

I don't even know who or where a sexual addiction expert would be.

psychology today's therapist finder is a good start.

I know but I put so much trust in this woman. Spent weeks and months up every night crying about someone that didn't even care enough to tell me she didn't want to be with me.

I'm trying to think of some way to tell you how many people can relate to this that doesn't also sound dismissive because, however many other people have felt it, I know it still hurts like hell.

 

[sinking_ship]

Do you live in the US? If you look on psychology today you can search by specialty.

 

[cricky1989]

Yeah, I get that. But, you know, there's all kinds of addictions, and all kinds of people whose lives have been consumed by them, and all kinds of people who have managed to get past them.

So yeah, it'll be fuckin' hard but, in theory at least, you can get past this with time and effort. Now whether theory can be put into practice is up to you.



psychology today's therapist finder is a good start.



I'm trying to think of some way to tell you how many people can relate to this that doesn't also sound dismissive because, however many other people have felt it, I know it still hurts like hell.

I don't know like I said in one of the other posts I am horrible with speaking my feelings unless it's online.

I will try and look it up.

Yeah but it's been years and I can't get over it. Something is just mentally wrong with me because every time I have tried to talk about this on other sites they laugh and say it's been years I should just move on. I have tried and well yeah it can be fun it still hurts every night when I go to bed I am just out of tears now.

 

[sinking_ship]

No one will laugh at you here. It's rarely as easy as 'get over it'. It can take time and work to break bad patterns.

I get it's hard to talk to someone about this stuff. It can be worth it though.

You can always talk to us though.

 

[cricky1989]

No one will laugh at you here. It's rarely as easy as 'get over it'. It can take time and work to break bad patterns.

I get it's hard to talk to someone about this stuff. It can be worth it though.

You can always talk to us though.

I am not even sure how to begin. I know what I am doing is selfish and harming others but I can't stop. The feeling of just having someone who is excited to talk to me is comforting when I get up in the morning. I am just doing it the only way I know how and that usually means I go to bed upset and letting dark thoughts consume my mind.

 

[sinking_ship]

I think you're harming yourself more than you're harming others. You deserve to find closeness with someone again.

 

[cricky1989]

I think you're harming yourself more than you're harming others. You deserve to find closeness with someone again.

Possibly but I want to but I don't know anything other than what I am doing now. What kind of person would I even attract if they know all the things I have done.

 

[sinking_ship]

Possibly but I want to but I don't know anything other than what I am doing now. What kind of person would I even attract if they know all the things I have done.

Everyone has things they've done that they're not proud of. You just have to be able to forgive yourself and move past it. Figure out how to deal with whatever emotions you're shoving down by spending all of your time this way. Change is hard, but it sounds like it's what you want.

 

[cricky1989]

Of course it's what I want but how can I replace what I had before? And what I am supposed to do when I meet new women and they ask me about my past? I just remember right after everything happened with my girlfriend just sitting out on a bench in the middle of the night in the snow just waiting to freeze to death. I don't know I tried a lot of bad things because of it and now I am at a point where every time I even meet a woman I just think about sex. How is that going to be alright to move on from?

 

[sinking_ship]

I think you're getting ahead of yourself. You won't be able to solve it all right away. Try not to panic about all of the possibilities at once. I'm not sure that you've ever let yourself heal from the loss of that relationship. It's okay to heal and move forward. Why do you think it affected you so badly? Did you have problems with depression or self esteem before that?

 

[cricky1989]

I think you're getting ahead of yourself. You won't be able to solve it all right away. Try not to panic about all of the possibilities at once. I'm not sure that you've ever let yourself heal from the loss of that relationship. It's okay to heal and move forward. Why do you think it affected you so badly? Did you have problems with depression or self esteem before that?

Yeah well I am being serious I threw all my friends away because of sex. I have sex with random women how is that going to translate into starting a family? How can I heal I literally had what I though was perfect but she didn't see it that way. I have always had low self esteem and I have no relatives my age so I always felt out of place. I found 1 person I could be myself and comfortable around and she turns her back on me. So now I try to help my self esteem by proving to myself I am still wanted in at least one form even if it's not good enough to be Mr. right I can be Mr. rightnow.

 

[sinking_ship]

I know you're serious, and I understand your worries. Self esteem is a thing you can work on.

No relationship is perfect. I know it's hard to be blind sighted by someone you love. But that doesn't mean you couldn't find someone again.

 

[cricky1989]

I try I do but what am I supposed to do. I am 31 now I am getting to old for this.

Yeah but I can't go through that again it would literally kill me. I want to be happy but if I try and this happens again. I know this is ruining my life and I am not happy but its to risky.

 

[Auri]

Hi @cricky1989 I'm sorry you are so tormented by this. I have so many things to say, but mostly I'd like to repeat what others have already said because it's important, and that is that whatever you do is not "wrong", but very probably harmful to you. It's like a coping mechanism, but a self-destructive one, like alcohol or drugs can be for others. It doesn't make the pain go away, but it gives the illusion of doing so for a little while and creates more long-term damage.

Nevertheless, no one should judge you for that. If women ask about your past, and you're at a point where you can trust them enough to tell them about it, then being honest, reflecting on your behaviour, as well as showing remorse (for the mistakes, like trying to sleep with your friend's gf) is very valuable to most women/people. It shows maturity, too, that you are able to grow. At least those with compassion would understand that, and I suppose that's the kind of person you'd like to be with someday. Everyone makes mistakes... but what matters is how you deal with them in the future, what you learn from them, how you talk about them. Hopefully it'll make you more compassionate towards others as well who've suffered from self-destructive patterns, because you understand where they might be coming from.

You do deserve the kind of relationship and family you dream of, and you CAN have it. Nothing from your past prevents you from it. No matter how many women you've slept with prior to a relationship, it doesn't mean anything about the kind of boyfriend/husband you can be - and that is, hopefully, not one who cheats. I suppose that is what you fear women might assume, but I honestly don't think most will. You can very well dedicate yourself to one person in the future if you want to. What matters is how you are with them, how you respect and love them, and you are able to do that, just like everyone else.

Talking with a therapist about these kind of things is not easy, and I understand the difficulty to speak about your feelings in general. But a good therapist will guide you through it. They won't push you, but they will take the time for you to feel comfortable and to talk about things in your own way. It doesn't take any social skills - trust me, they've seen people with all sorts of problems in social situations, they know how to deal with it and that is kinda their job. No matter how you express yourself, it's good if you do.
Then you also have us of course, always someone to listen here, about anything.

People most often think they have the "perfect" relationship when they're in it. If she left you for someone else, she wasn't perfect for you. Ultimately, the one that matters is the last one, not the first one that felt perfect, not the ones in the middle, no matter how many.
I think working on yourself right now is the best thing to do, to improve your self-esteem, change some core beliefs and move on from your mistakes in a healthy way. You can have the relationship and family you want someday, and it'll feel very much perfect once you do this work on yourself and find the right person for you.
Sending hugs in the meantime.

 

[cricky1989]

Hi @cricky1989 I'm sorry you are so tormented by this. I have so many things to say, but mostly I'd like to repeat what others have already said because it's important, and that is that whatever you do is not "wrong", but very probably harmful to you. It's like a coping mechanism, but a self-destructive one, like alcohol or drugs can be for others. It doesn't make the pain go away, but it gives the illusion of doing so for a little while and creates more long-term damage.

Nevertheless, no one should judge you for that. If women ask about your past, and you're at a point where you can trust them enough to tell them about it, then being honest, reflecting on your behaviour, as well as showing remorse (for the mistakes, like trying to sleep with your friend's gf) is very valuable to most women/people. It shows maturity, too, that you are able to grow. At least those with compassion would understand that, and I suppose that's the kind of person you'd like to be with someday. Everyone makes mistakes... but what matters is how you deal with them in the future, what you learn from them, how you talk about them. Hopefully it'll make you more compassionate towards others as well who've suffered from self-destructive patterns, because you understand where they might be coming from.

You do deserve the kind of relationship and family you dream of, and you CAN have it. Nothing from your past prevents you from it. No matter how many women you've slept with prior to a relationship, it doesn't mean anything about the kind of boyfriend/husband you can be - and that is, hopefully, not one who cheats. I suppose that is what you fear women might assume, but I honestly don't think most will. You can very well dedicate yourself to one person in the future if you want to. What matters is how you are with them, how you respect and love them, and you are able to do that, just like everyone else.

Talking with a therapist about these kind of things is not easy, and I understand the difficulty to speak about your feelings in general. But a good therapist will guide you through it. They won't push you, but they will take the time for you to feel comfortable and to talk about things in your own way. It doesn't take any social skills - trust me, they've seen people with all sorts of problems in social situations, they know how to deal with it and that is kinda their job. No matter how you express yourself, it's good if you do.
Then you also have us of course, always someone to listen here, about anything.

People most often think they have the "perfect" relationship once they're in it. If she left you for someone else, she wasn't perfect for you. Ultimately, the one that matters is the last one, not the first one that felt perfect, not the ones in the middle, no matter how many.
I think working on yourself right now is the best thing to do, to improve your self-esteem, change some core beliefs and move on from your mistakes in a healthy way. You can have the relationship and family you want someday, and it'll feel very much perfect once you do this work on yourself and find the right person for you.
Sending hugs in the meantime.

Your right it doesn't make it go away but it helps for short term purposes. I see it as harmful that is why I came here, that and other reasons.

But what if they don't want to hear it? Usually when I bring it up that's the end of the conversation. It's not good I know and I think about it all the time but it's literally the only people I can get to talk to me. If I try to talk about what I am going through than they will ditch because they don't want a broken guy. I have made my share of mistakes and then some.

Another problem I have is that I feel like I will get attached to quickly if I let someone in. I can't go through that again. I think it might scare some women away knowing I slept around so much. One of the girls I was with before I talked to recently and she said I have sex with women about as often as most people give out hand shakes. That's not good. I want one person who will love me and think I am the greatest guy in the world like I used to but that apparently wasn't even true.

I don't know I am bad in big social settings especially talking about myself. I have always had a thing about thinking people quickly form negative opinions about me if I share my feelings. I do appreciate it. I have tried seeking help in different sites and usually get met with rude comments or people telling me to shut up, get over it and enjoy all the sex.

Yes I know she wasn't perfect for me but it was the best time of my life and the last time I was truly happy. Yeah but what if I threw away the last one? What if it was one of the girls I have been with that I no longer speak to? I am not really sure how to work on myself, I try to be open about this and I know it's a problem but I don't know how to stop. If I stop I will become really lonely after a couple days. I get very dark when I feel lonely. Thank you for the kinds words I am trying my best and I appreciate it.