Addicted. Trapped. Alone.

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by hawk, Jun 24, 2012.

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  1. hawk

    hawk Account Closed

    Im suicidally depressed. so last year (22 years old) I made my first cut. Small razor blade cut. it bled yes but not very deep. It hought i wont let them get deep. now, my wrists and calves and thighs are COVERED indeep darks cars, cuts that've been stitched up myself because slipped, and cut way to deep. But ic ant go get help. None of us can. We are Trapped. You know youre not alone. You feel alone. So alone. I find myself constantly thinking about cutting. I always have a blade with me. always. Hoping no one will notice my sickness. But secretly hoping someone will. maybe theyll try to help. but im not cutting for attention. maybe im hoping i wont feel so trapped. I think im just venting but.. anyone else feel this way too?
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    time for you to go get some help now ok time to stop harming you and get help to heal you hun Get talking ok to your doctor get some referrals for some therapy now time to heal hun hugs
     
  3. hawk

    hawk Account Closed

    I can't. I dont want to stop. Id rather feel pain than feel nothing. idk if you SI but its so addicting. and it temporarily relieves me of all my suicidal thoughts/plans/pain/hurt.. ask any self-harmer..
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Yes i know hun but it is such a short fix it does not help in the long run it will do more harm My daughter started to self harm age 13 and um it was hard to see her do this but i came to understand why With help hun with therapy with meds she is now not sh she is just 23 I know in times of great distress she will harm again but she has learned to coping skills and so can you. Time now is to show you some compassion ok time now is to reach out to anyone and get some help You are so worth the effort hun please i know that sh helps i do but it is just short term
     
  5. hawk

    hawk Account Closed

    I know. I shouldnt. but if i recieve help or meds its on a medical record and i cant get into the Marine Corps if I have that record. its a PERMANENT disqualification from any branch of te military and thats my only dream, to be a Marine.
     
  6. letty

    letty Banned Member

    hawk i understand that addiction that feeling you have to cut the alone feeling also, my arms are so scared and it isnt a pretty sight.
    your not alone, i hope you keep talking about it here
     
  7. hawk

    hawk Account Closed

    I've cut my life away. I have NOTHING to live for. I need to die. I wish someone would kill me.
     
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No hun i am sorry i read your pst wrong no you do have something to live for ok you keep fighting hun you hold on here hun ok we will help you
     
  9. hawk

    hawk Account Closed

    What could I possibly have to live for??
     
  10. letty

    letty Banned Member

    hawk dont give up you have a future ahead your dream to be a marine
     
  11. hawk

    hawk Account Closed

    With all my scars???? They will turn me down in an instant!
     
  12. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Get private help. There are people out there who help, who do not go on your medical record. These people are there for addictions and abuse, because obviously some people NEED that anonymity.

    Even maybe something like a group therapy for now, could be useful to you, but it doesn't go on your record saying "This person cut here, here, and here...and told me about it 26 times now, on these exact dates etc...".

    Perhaps it would be useful if you knew more about what actual options are really there for you? It's not all black and white as it seems, that it's one way or another.... therapy has expanded a lot more in recent years to include the fact that different people need different circumstances. Obviously what you have going on here, is an addiction at this point, to such an extent that you are now distraught by it.

    You have another dream, that it may be interfering with. You do owe it to yourself to have it looked at, for the purpose of that dream, and for the purpose of getting to the point where you can even apply for that dream to begin with.

    I sense a lot of fear here, in your posts, about people finding out...about being rejected...about being labelled and having everyone know in the future too etc... which is where my next question comes into play: is there anyone in your real life who knows about this? Maybe a friend? An ex? Family member? Sibbling?

    Just someone who already knows about your "secret" and this habit? Can that person go with you, to start your therapy? So you don't have to go alone? So you don't have to sit and be judged and everything alone?

    I'm not saying you will be judged if you go to therapy, but I imagine you fear that too... so is there anyone who can support you and walk with you into the first few steps of some kind of help or therapy? At least to ease into it, and make it easier on yourself?

    Being alone in this probably has only further fuelled the problem, because when you want help you don't know where to turn; so you likely probably turn back to the habit again as a comfort.
     
  13. hawk

    hawk Account Closed

    Yes ma'am there is a friend that can go. ill talk to her about it. she knows about all my problems. and she even rescues me from my lonliness sometimes when she comes over just to check on me. im grateful to have her as a friend. but im selfish for not returning the favor. shes mentally stable but i should help her somehow sometime. anyway, yes ma'am i will talk to her and see if shell come with me so i dont have to go alone
     
  14. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    That is good news! If she agrees, that would be so wonderful... :)
     
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