Addicted

Discussion in 'Poet's Corner' started by BelovedDreamer, Apr 11, 2012.

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  1. BelovedDreamer

    BelovedDreamer Well-Known Member

    I am addicted.
    I am addicted to my own pain.
    I don’t know who I am without it.
    Without the bitter familiar flavor
    that colors my days
    and the fitful sleep that fills my nights.
    I do not know how to exist in any other form.
    This one is familiar.
    I don’t know what my face would look like
    properly animated
    what my limbs would feel like
    not loaded with lead.
    Exhaustion has become more familiar
    than the bruises beneath my heavy eyes.
    I’ve no idea how to rise in the morning
    without my bedmate of dread.
    She creeps into my veins and tells my heart to race
    my eyelids to remain closed because to be awake
    is to have to deal with grief and fear
    and all the myriad inconsequential but terrifying
    hazards of a daily life.
    I don’t even fight it anymore,
    I fall asleep with pain beside me
    and turn when she whispers in the morning
    to embrace her. My old enemy. My dearest friend.
    I don’t know myself without you.
    It has been so long since I have existed
    without a trigger at my temple,
    without your hands weighty upon my shoulders,
    I am afraid that if you were ever to leave me-
    though I have given up hope of such a miracle-
    that there wouldn’t be enough
    of what I once was
    left to make a living, breathing person,
    to fill the shell of my being with human will.
     
  2. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    wow, youve done so well at pushing what you feel out here, but i think there is more beneath that shell, otherwise hun you wouldnt recognised it, the pain is just so supressive right now hun, but i belive in you :hug:
     
  3. aussiegal

    aussiegal Well-Known Member

    Stay strong. You write so beautifully but with such pain. Its even difficult to read because I am so familiar with these thoughts you write about.
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    What you wrote about is so true...I have often wondered what I would be without my pain...is it now such a part of me, that it, more than other things, defines who I am...thanks for putting this into words
     
  5. BelovedDreamer

    BelovedDreamer Well-Known Member

    Thanks, all of you. I love words. They're one of the things that keep me going, through pain and fear. Writing has saved me more times than I can count, and it gives me hope that they're still something worthwhile in me.
     
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